Narcissism is the talk of the town these days, but this pathological and socially toxic condition remains widely misunderstood. The true narcissist has a personality disorder that causes complex and insidious misery to him-/herself and to those around him/her.

The official criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) include the following major impairments in personality functioning:

  1. Excessive reliance on others for self-definition and self-esteem
  2. Lack of empathy
  3. Exploitative of others
  4. Grandiose and condescending
  5. Exaggerated entitlement
  6. Attention seeking
  7. Admiration seeking

Here is an explanation of each trait:

1. OverReliance on Others for Self-Definition and Self-Esteem

The true narcissist is practiced at hiding her/his real face from the world and can be skilled at communicating confidence and attracting and influencing others. Although narcissists work continuously to mask their vulnerability from others and themselves, they are intensely reliant on those around them to both define their sense of self and to regulate their self-esteem, foundational qualities they fail to develop in childhood. Their internal insecurity is reflected in their inordinate need for external validation. The term “narcissistic supply” refers to narcissists’ compulsion to use others to fill their inner emptiness with attention and admiration.

2. Lack of Empathy                                          

Perhaps the most striking characteristic of NPD is a lack of empathy for the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others. As far as the true narcissist is concerned, other people are merely objects or extensions of him-/herself to be manipulated for his/her purposes. Many narcissists learn to give the  appearance of empathy to win favor and may even go to great lengths to cultivate a caring, do-gooder public persona. But they remain fundamentally disconnected from their own humanity the humanity of those around them.

3. Exploitative of Others

When it comes to relationships, the true narcissist operates without a moral compass, exploitatively with her/his own interests foremost and often exclusively in mind. Narcissists use other people in myriad ways to feed their unending need to bolster themselves, often rationalizing abusive behavior in the process. People with NPD look to gain the upper hand in every situation, including with their family members. Narcissistic parents, for example, see their own needs as paramount and feel entitled and justified in exploiting their children in pursuit of fulfilling those needs.

4. Grandiose and Condescending

As a childhood coping mechanism, narcissists adopt a grandiose persona that they work constantly to uphold. Their insecure need to assert their  superiority over others makes them arrogant, competitive, rude, and explosive or vindictive when threatened or “crossed.” Their grandiosity makes them prone to bragging, name-dropping, and making ostentatious or self-pitying displays. They derive their sense of self-worth through superficial associations with high-status people, causes, institutions, and the like, which they lord over others in a campaign to further elevate themselves by devaluing those they view as competitors or underlings.

5. Exaggerated Entitlement

Because people with NPD must convince themselves that they are superior to others to shore up their underlying feeling of inferiority, they believe they are entitled to special treatment and without it feel intolerably slighted. They expect more and better than what other people get and will not hesitate to cause a scene, lash out, or sulk punishingly if “deprived.” Narcissists insist on favored status and special service, from the best table in a restaurant to the finest room in a hotel to the most attentive treatment at the grocery store, gym, doctor’s office, and so on. Being treated like a “regular customer,” whether in the world at large or at home, is impossibly demeaning and cause for hot rage and possible retribution.

6. Attracts Excessive Attention

Narcissists depend on attention for psycho-emotional sustenance. While we all have social needs, narcissists demand a level of attention far beyond that of emotionally stable people, resorting to all manner of manipulation to get it. To gain attention, extroverted narcissists dominate conversations, while covert narcissists pull puppet strings behind the scenes. Either way, narcissists are always vying for attention. The narcissistic father, for example, may bitterly resent attention given to his own children and punish his spouse and them if he is not appeased.

7. Demands Adoration

Mere attention is not sufficient for the true narcissist. Narcissists seek constant admiration to feed their larger-than-life persona. Without admiration, the narcissistic personality experiences destabilizing emotions, which can lead to deflation and depression. At home s/he expects adoration without earning or returning it, often bullying family members into a habitual state of fear to get it and becoming enraged without it. Narcissists’ manipulative and often furious demands for adulation create an impossible predicament for those close to them, further exacerbating their frustration and combativeness and the traumatic effect they have on others.

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Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.  

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