Emotionally healthy people give warning signs that they are frustrated, and they attempt to communicate before their feelings develop into full-on anger. Those familiar with narcissistic rage, on the other hand, know that it is always at the surface ready to blow with sudden scorching fury and often some kind of physical violence.
Explosive narcissistic rage.
Adding to the devastation, narcissists rarely if ever take responsibility for their rage. Instead, they find reasons to justify their behavior and frequently project it onto the others they have raged at, typically a partner or scapegoated child, further increasing the abused person’s trauma. In narcissists’ own eyes, they are always the victim, never the victimizer, always entitled to vent their emotions no matter the consequences for others.
Narcissistic Injury
Narcissistic rage is rooted in “narcissistic injury,” or invalidating messages in childhood that disrupt a person’s emotional development of resilient self-esteem, a secure sense of identity, and an empathetic connection with others. People who form a narcissistic coping style are fundamentally ambivalent in their relationships, constantly looking for the acceptance and validation they missed in childhood while fearing the pain of those needs going unmet yet again.
The narcissist is a complex picture of grandiose entitlement and constant defensiveness against real or perceived threats to his/her inflated but fragile persona. The overt narcissist’s duality of superiority and vulnerability is expressed aggressively through dominating arrogance, hyperreactivity, and control. The covert narcissist has the same contradictions expressed through more passive-aggressive behavior such as guilt trips, sulking, silent treatment, and self-pitying displays.
The Developmentally Stunted Narcissist
The narcissist’s “defensive” rage
Like the very young children that they are emotionally, narcissists never learn to “play nice.” They never learn how to share, compromise, or empathize with others. They never learn accountability or self-sacrifice. They never learn unconditional giving or loving. Furthermore, the narcissist projects her/his primitive understanding of human emotion onto others, unable to recognize that those around her/him may be operating at a far more developed level of emotional awareness and compassion than s/he is capable of. Instead, the narcissist assumes that others share her/his primally selfish motives, however covertly or overtly displayed.
Hypervigilance
The narcissistic personality operates with a terrible hypervigilance that s/he also engenders in others. Her/his sense of emotional vulnerability is so intense that s/he is always guarding her-/himself against humiliation, which s/he continuously interprets around her/him as real experience. Day-to-day lows or minor rejections that all of us endure are magnified for the narcissist as shattering seismic disturbances. Life’s smallest slights can trip the narcissist’s alarm system, leading to rages and/or vengeful reactions.
People within the narcissist’s sphere quickly acquire their own form of hypervigilance to read the narcissist’s moods and try to avoid triggering her/his rage. Family members learn to placate the narcissist and, if possible, prevent confrontation and conflagration. Hypervigilance and avoidance, along with a host of other debilitating emotions, especially in developing children, nearly inevitably cause emotional and physiological problems that can last a lifetime.
It’s Not Your Fault
Perhaps the biggest challenge for the person living with a narcissist, even worse than enduring the narcissist’s primitive emotional violence, is learning not to blame yourself. Whether you are the child, adult child, spouse, or another family member or friend of a narcissistic personality, you are likely to doubt yourself and take responsibility for things the narcissist does that not only are not your fault but, in fact, hurt you.
The narcissist’s mantra is You made me do it.
Whatever harm the narcissist does, if you are her/his primary scapegoat s/he finds a way—however twisted—to hold you responsible. Wherever you are along your path with or without the narcissist in your life now, it is vital to understand that the narcissist’s disorder, unhappiness, and rage are not your responsibility. Repeat: It is not your responsibility, not your fault, and not your hurt to carry.
Read real-life accounts of narcissistic rages here.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Lifelong Books/Hachette Books. She is working on a memoir about life and a few near-deaths in a narcissistic family.
Need help? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching for clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Damage List
- Remembering Mary Tyler Moore as the Chilling Narcissist Mother in ‘Ordinary People’
- More Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Narcissists Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- The Narcissistic Family: Its Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Child of Narcissists Goes from ‘Death Dealer’ to Healer
- A Golden Child’s Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- Why I Hate the Word ‘Narcissist’
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissist Mother
Images courtesy of Felix Montino and www.ttufo.com.
View Comments (13)
"Then don't say things that piss me off," he said. I never knew what that list was because he raged so often. :-(
Yep, that "list" is endless and ever-changing, because it's all about deflecting accountability for their harm. I'm sorry Alison. Healing wishes.
Thank you, Julie. Your works means a lot to so many of us.
Shucks, thanks.
Still have not fully recovered from all the lies all the manipulation that happened 2 years after marrying. I understand everyone carries baggage but most are honest with what they carry. Still can't get close to anyone physically it is scary trusting again. Emotionally I am slowly coming back but it really seems like the why? Is slowing down. Why I remember what you said and you don't. Why do you call what I saw a delusional episode. Why do you say I messed your life up for speaking the truth. Yes I was in love. And I don't make excuses about taking my life back. As hard as it is.
What matters is that you have taken your life back. The understanding and healing will take time. My best wishes to you.
After all you do, all you give (support, money, love etc) It's a fucking endless pit you GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE to them. For what? They are never satisfied. They will always blame you for not doing enough or somehow screwing up and pissing them off. To look at a narcissist's eyes during a rage, it's scary. It's the devil looking right at you. They don't even look human. Blank, lack of emotion, not an once of empathy as they scream, pull, grab, blame, hurt you. The rage is NOTHING you will ever experience. The lack of emotion. The dead dark eyes. The aftermath of the silent treatment and them not giving a fuck about hurting your feelings. The harsh reality is that they feel that YOU caused this rage. YOU fucked up. YOU should be punished. They immediately seek sympathy from new supply while you cry in a corner alone. Nobody can help a Narcissist. No therapy in the world can help as we know it doesn't work on them. God hopefully can help them...if they even make it to heaven after they finally croak!
Are there "degrees" of narcissism? I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a woman who is brilliant, talented and very attractive. She exhibits some of the traits I've read about here, but not all. Currently, she is estranged from her adult daughter, and has infrequent contact with an adult son. She blames her ex-husband, who she refers to as a narcissist, for being the cause of this alienation from her children. She is frequently in a state of self-pity or victimization, often criticizing others for the exact behaviors and attitudes she displays on a regular basis. I don't know whether to continue to try to keep the relationship alive, or cut my losses and bail out. I love her, but don't know if I can go with things as they are. She refuses any kind of therapy, and gets quite angry when I suggest it.
Thank you Julie. I’m going through everything your articles mention. I’m the golden child, the chosen one, the most abused. I’ve been mind fucked my whole life. My mother is dying, she keeps asking me to tell her why I’m pulling back. She wants No disconnect before she leaves the planet. I’m so hoping she will wake up to her behavior before she goes. What’s the chance of this? There is No way I’m going to be honest. There is no wY out if I decide to blow up. I would feel Quilty she won’t have a peaceful death. Please respond if you get this. Thank you MG
Hi Mia. I feel you. I never say never, but it is unlikely she will wake up or even have an opening of awareness. (Sometimes there seem to be glimmers. . . .) These are lifelong ways of thinking and behaving that are deeply ingrained and have blocked her from growth. Guilt is such a heavy burden for the "golden" child. This isn't your responsibility, but it is your problem, to quote Sheryl Strayed. As children of such parents, truth and resolution are things we long for but rarely if ever get. Peace for both of you, —Julie
I got the silent treatment from my sister in law, following narcissistic injury. It was traumatic, and I’ve written about what I did, right and wrong.
https://medium.com/@mpmcg9b/the-silent-treatment-bad41241354a
Today, a narcissistic family member told to me call the mortgage company and get the payoff amount for the mortgage. I did exactly what she wanted and she started cussing and yelling because she wasn't happy with the amoint of interest we legally owe. She was all nasty and angry with me during the whole process even though none ofnit is my fault. I just hate having this toxic person around. Instead of being happy that we won't be evicted, she ruined my entire day raging about something that cannot be changed. I sick of dealing with this disgusting person.
I experienced the rage described in this article twice - once from a Sergeant at my police department, and later from my own mother. Gina D is right about the eyes of these people when they rage. It's like they are possessed. And the target of the rage goes right to the top of the Narc's "it" list. Eventually, some other offender might displace the top enemy, but in my experience, the Narcs apparently never "forgive" those that upset them. You are on the list for life.