Published on HuffPost 12/28/2017 at 7:53 pm ET Even if you don’t do New Year’s resolutions, if you are in a debilitating narcissistic relationship with a narcissist partner/spouse this might be a good time to start.

Identify the Signs

Wondering if your manipulative and/or abusive partner is a narcissist? “Diagnosing” someone can be dicey business without professional input, but because narcissists usually avoid therapy, identifying what you’re dealing with is up to you. Narcissism is a disorder where overwhelmingly the victims are the ones who seek help.

According to The American Psychiatric Association, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) meet five or more of the following nine criteria:

  1. have an exaggerated sense of their capabilities and self-importance
  2. have unrealistic fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  3. believe they are special and should associate with other high-status people, institutions, and the like
  4. demand excessive admiration
  5. feel entitled to unreasonably favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations
  6. exploit others to serve their own needs
  7. lack emotional empathy
  8. are envious of others or believe others are envious of them
  9. are arrogant and/or haughty

Accept That Things Won’t Get Better

Once you’ve identified your partner as having pathological narcissism, it is important to understand that such people are developmentally stunted as very young children and fail to learn empathy or form a stable sense of identity and self-esteem. They have primitive emotional skills, feel entitled to exploit others to meet their own needs, and rarely change for the better. Narcissists are profoundly self-focused and see others as projections of their own inner dramas and extremist thinking—their vacillating feelings of shame and self-aggrandizement. In the narcissist’s black-and-white mind, you are either up or you are down. The “love” you thought the narcissist felt for you was idealization, and the disdain s/he expresses for you is disillusionment with your imperfection.

Here are stark facts that you need to accept about the narcissist in your life:

S/he

  • is driven by underlying shame.
  • does not know how to regulate her/his emotions.
  • lacks self-awareness and basic emotional literacy.
  • sees her-/himself and others in extremes as either perfect or worthless.
  • will protect her/his defensive persona at all costs.
  • does not feel empathy.
  • does not respect boundaries in relationships.
  • does not care about your needs.
  • does not feel remorse about hurting you.
  • is incapable of authentic intimacy, acceptance, and love.

Make a Plan

Breaking away from a narcissistic relationship is painful and complicated. Coming to grips with the narcissist’s limitations and cruelties is shocking, and there is rarely closure. You may be struggling with symptoms of complex posttraumatic stress, including hypervigilance, depression, anxiety, and a host of other ingrained emotional and physiological responses. You may be trauma-bonded to the narcissist, feeling a codependent addiction to cycles of abuse. You may be isolated from support, even within your own family, by the secretive and controlling narcissist. You may feel responsible for the narcissist’s well-being, having played her/his caretaker.

Making a plan for how to leave your narcissistic relationship is essential for protecting yourself from further harm and rebuilding your life. Plan your departure before speaking to your partner about it.

  1. Set up safe housing for yourself, your kids, and your pets.
  2. Reach out to friends and/or family who you know will support you.
  3. Secure your assets, such as shared property and bank accounts.
  4. Put away money and other necessities privately.
  5. Hire a lawyer who understands narcissism and child custody issues.
  6. Document abuse.
  7. If needed, seek domestic abuse assistance.
  8. If you don’t have a job, get one.
  9. Prepare to cut off lines of communication, such as the phone and social media.
  10. Find a therapist or coach who understands narcissistic abuse.

Be Prepared for Retaliation

As you know, narcissists take rejection very badly. It triggers their worst feelings of vulnerability and inferiority. And since they need to shield themselves from those unbearable emotions and lack remorse about harming others, they are often vindictive, perhaps ruthlessly. Before you leave the narcissistic relationship, you should prepare as much as you can for some or all of the following:

  • threats and lies
  • promises of reform
  • smear campaigns
  • flying monkey attacks
  • stealing and/or destroying your things
  • withdrawal of financial support
  • custody disputes
  • legal maneuvers and bullying
  • coparenting manipulation
  • stonewalling and silent treatment
  • stalking

Your New Year’s Resolution: Get Out!

Leaving a narcissist can be difficult, but it is far preferable to enduring long-term abuse. Make this your year of freedom from someone who will never love you, someone who will only bring grief and regret into your world. Reclaim your health, happiness, and sanity. Get out!

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.  

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