This article was originally published on PsychCentral on 3/20/17 Because of their underlying emotional instability, repressed shame, and compensatory grandiosity, combined with a lack of empathy, narcissists play by different rules than the rest of us do. Here is a list of things healthy people do in their relationships that narcissists never or rarely do.
Narcissist Never Do These Relationship Musts
1. Apologize
Admitting wrong is uncomfortable for most people, but the give-and-take in relationships at times calls for an acknowledgment of fault. Healthy people usually know when they owe an apology and are willing to give it. Whether we interrupt, fail to deliver on a promise, say something hurtful, or lose our temper beyond reasonable bounds, we offer apology to show respect and caring.
Narcissists never genuinely apologize. Needing to see themselves as above reproach, they believe they never do wrong. Their sense of superiority over others reinforces their belief that other inferior beings are always to blame for anything that goes awry. Sometimes narcissists express fauxpologies, which are designed to deflect blame back onto others. An example of a fauxpology is, “I’m sorry you are so sensitive.”
2. Take Emotional Responsibility
Above all, narcissists repudiate accountability in their relationships. They are intensely sensitive to fault and blame, and responsibility of any kind triggers their threat of exposure to criticism. They are so averse to taking responsibility that they systematically stage their lives to avoid it and become masterful at denying and projecting it onto others, particularly those closest within their sphere of influence: their partner and children.
3. Self-Reflect
Narcissists are terrified of their own shadows—the long-hidden child within whose feelings of shame and inadequacy they repress and overcompensate for. Whereas emotionally intelligent people use self-reflection to understand themselves and learn from their feelings and experiences, for the narcissistic personality self-reflection is dangerous territory to be avoided because it represents unbearable vulnerability. This is why narcissists avoid honest communication, rarely seek or stick with therapy, and resort to manipulations or raging outbursts to blunt the truth.
4. Forgive
For the same reason narcissists do not apologize, they also do not forgive. Hypervigilant to perceived or (more rarely) real attack, they see life as a war zone in which they are always fighting for survival and regard forgiveness as a show of weakness. If someone apologizes to them (often in a misguided attempt to end conflict), narcissists see it as proof of their superiority and may take the opportunity to further punish that person for whatever s/he may or may not have done wrong. Genuine forgiveness is not part of narcissists’ emotional lexicon, fundamentally because they cannot forgive themselves.
5. Act Selflessly
Selflessness and altruism are the antithesis of narcissism. Because narcissists lack emotional empathy and have an inflated sense of entitlement, acting selflessly is beyond their comprehension. At their core, they have nothing to give because they feel their survival is at stake and nothing else matters. They are parasitically dependent on others as sources of psycho-emotional supply but cannot return the unconditional love they demand. The narcissistic personality by definition is locked in an inward spiral of unmet early childhood needs and grandiose compensatory self-beliefs.
6. Express Their Real Feelings
Narcissists thrive on attention and drama, and there is no more fascinating topic than themselves. But when it comes to their real feelings, they hide, from others and from themselves. They lack the self-awareness to understand the underlying feelings that drive their behavior as well as the courage to self-reflect or make themselves vulnerable enough to share those feelings with others. Genuine intimacy is lost on narcissists, who are strangers to their innermost emotional realm.
7. See Emotional Nuance
Though they may be clever, particularly at manipulating people and spotting their vulnerabilities, narcissists lack an awareness of emotional complexity and are prone to simplistic and extremist black-and-white thinking. They tend to either idealize or devalue others, and they project their own cynical view, believing that others see life as they do—as a series of games or battles to be won. The wide continuum of emotion that healthy beings, especially the most empathetic, experience on a daily basis is lost on narcissists, who are trapped in their own lonely self-protective distortions of reality.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
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- Ready to End Your Dead-End Relationship with a Narcissist?
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- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- Five Things You Did Not Know About Narcissists
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
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Image courtesy of DaveBleasdale, Creative Commons.
View Comments (6)
Three additional things Narcissists can't do.
Give Praise Narcissists, fragile in their sense of self, are unable to; uplift, encourage or acknowledge others. Giving a compliment is painful for them. They denigrate so why would them empower someone. Any praise given is solely to win points and lacks sincerity. They have been taught to be civil and thus any etiquette they have ( please and thank you) is done solely to keep Narcissistic supply alive.
Stay on Topic Narcissists will dodge the topic at hand, so as to avoid having to change their perspective. Incapable of discussions that debate points or philosophize concepts, they will insert; a joke, an irrelevant or sarcastic comment so as to kill the conversation. They are unable to hold their attention long enough to consider a new concept. They lack the mental capacity to hold two contrasting ideas in their mind at the same time. Given that their preconceived notions must be right, they will discount anything new so as to avoid having to suspend their preexisting notions for the slightest second. They can’t possibly be wrong, anything that doesn’t validate their pre-existing perceptions isn’t worthy of a second of consideration. They dismiss what they don’t already know and judge anything that doesn’t validate them / their position as worthless.
Resolve Conflicts If there is any potential for conflict resolution to the discussion to unpack the layers of issues, then they will shut the conversation down further. Narcissists resolve conflict through two means. Domination or avoidance: unable to concede a point, or compromise along some middle ground, they will shut the discussion down. Collaborating for a win-win solution is beyond their capacity to understand the concept. Any deference to another would violate their need for superiority. The maintenance of the relationship is not their priority. are never
Tending to Human Capital, (one’s spirit, character), emotional capital, or intellectual capital (ongoing education) is a foreign concept for narcissists. Relationships are secondary to the transaction.
Hi, I would like to know if you have any articles about BPD wife in relationship and how to deal with them. I like your writings as I have been a scapegoat in a dysfunctional home, suffered narc bullying from siblings and mother. I try to maintain limited contact to save my sanity. Thanks for all these articles, which I have just come to know.
Hi Nisar. I don't write specifically about borderline personality disorder, but there is often a great deal of overlap with NPD patterns. Homes dominated by BPD parents can look very similar to ones with NPD parents. These personality disorders often arise from the same circumstances, as do forms of complex posttraumatic stress. I see all three existing on the same continuum. Numerous people dealing more with BPD issues in their lives tell me my book is very helpful.
I dated a horrible individual for 2 years . I had never ever dated someone so cruel and cold in all my 54 years of living. I was sexually assaulted by him as well as emotionally, physically and verbally abused throughout the course of our relationship. I decided to file criminal charges against him and he was charged with Battery at the warrant application hearing, was handcuffed and had to put up bond to get out of jail. While waiting for the case to come on the docket this man has been doing relentless drive bys even though he has a new wife and young children that he never ever mentioned the 2 years we were practically living together... it never ceases to amaze me what other disgusting new thing I will find out about this man that I have known all my life BUT actually never really knew what he was at all. He infected me with an incurable STD intentionally and I suspect he had a long trail of other women he has infected maliciously... I just decided to get justice for myself because I had solid proof of his cruel intentions ... I have nightmares due to the trauma I sustained and I see a therapist every other week to help me try to get whole again... thank you for all your insightful information and posts.... they help me to help myself
i am sorry to hear about what happened with you Nadia. Please stay strong , it was never your fault.
Thank you for this article. I am suffering due to my narc mom. But I am tired and want to find peace in my life.