This article was originally published on PsychCentral on 3/20/17  Because of their underlying emotional instability, repressed shame, and compensatory grandiosity, combined with a lack of empathy, narcissists play by different rules than the rest of us do. Here is a list of things healthy people do in their relationships that narcissists never or rarely do.

Narcissist Never Do These Relationship Musts

1.  Apologize

Admitting wrong is uncomfortable for most people, but the give-and-take in relationships at times calls for an acknowledgment of fault. Healthy people usually know when they owe an apology and are willing to give it. Whether we interrupt, fail to deliver on a promise, say something hurtful, or lose our temper beyond reasonable bounds, we offer apology to show respect and caring.

Narcissists never genuinely apologize. Needing to see themselves as above reproach, they believe they never do wrong. Their sense of superiority over others reinforces their belief that other inferior beings are always to blame for anything that goes awry. Sometimes narcissists express fauxpologies, which are designed to deflect blame back onto others. An example of a fauxpology is, “I’m sorry you are so sensitive.”

2.  Take Emotional Responsibility

Above all, narcissists repudiate accountability in their relationships. They are intensely sensitive to fault and blame, and responsibility of any kind triggers their threat of exposure to criticism. They are so averse to taking responsibility that they systematically stage their lives to avoid it and become masterful at denying and projecting it onto others, particularly those closest within their sphere of influence: their partner and children.

3.  Self-Reflect

Narcissists are terrified of their own shadows—the long-hidden child within whose feelings of shame and inadequacy they repress and overcompensate for. Whereas emotionally intelligent people use self-reflection to understand themselves and learn from their feelings and experiences, for the narcissistic personality self-reflection is dangerous territory to be avoided because it represents unbearable vulnerability. This is why narcissists avoid honest communication, rarely seek or stick with therapy, and resort to manipulations or raging outbursts to blunt the truth.

4.  Forgive

For the same reason narcissists do not apologize, they also do not forgive. Hypervigilant to perceived or (more rarely) real attack, they see life as a war zone in which they are always fighting for survival and regard forgiveness as a show of weakness. If someone apologizes to them (often in a misguided attempt to end conflict), narcissists see it as proof of their superiority and may take the opportunity to further punish that person for whatever s/he may or may not have done wrong. Genuine forgiveness is not part of narcissists’ emotional lexicon, fundamentally because they cannot forgive themselves.

5.  Act Selflessly

Selflessness and altruism are the antithesis of narcissism. Because narcissists lack emotional empathy and have an inflated sense of entitlement, acting selflessly is beyond their comprehension. At their core, they have nothing to give because they feel their survival is at stake and nothing else matters. They are parasitically dependent on others as sources of psycho-emotional supply but cannot return the unconditional love they demand. The narcissistic personality by definition is locked in an inward spiral of unmet early childhood needs and grandiose compensatory self-beliefs.

6.  Express Their Real Feelings

Narcissists thrive on attention and drama, and there is no more fascinating topic than themselves. But when it comes to their real feelings, they hide, from others and from themselves. They lack the self-awareness to understand the underlying feelings that drive their behavior as well as the courage to self-reflect or make themselves vulnerable enough to share those feelings with others. Genuine intimacy is lost on narcissists, who are strangers to their innermost emotional realm.

7.  See Emotional Nuance

Though they may be clever, particularly at manipulating people and spotting their vulnerabilities, narcissists lack an awareness of emotional complexity and are prone to simplistic and extremist black-and-white thinking. They tend to either idealize or devalue others, and they project their own cynical view, believing that others see life as they do—as a series of games or battles to be won. The wide continuum of emotion that healthy beings, especially the most empathetic, experience on a daily basis is lost on narcissists, who are trapped in their own lonely self-protective distortions of reality.

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Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.

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Image courtesy of DaveBleasdale, Creative Commons. 

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