Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
Covert narcissism can be difficult to identify, even in someone you think you know well. Use this checklist to recognize the covert narcissist in your life.
I check all the boxes. How do I get help? I try therapy every few years when I get fed up with my behavior. When I bring up concerns that I have NPD -- or strong tendencies -- I have been universally dismissed with: "If you're questioning whether you're a narcissist, you're not." That's not true at all and illustrates how you need to have this disorder to truly understand it.
The internet is teeming with articles like "7 ways to spot a narcissist" and "the 7 things a narcissist does to...". Many of these articles are written with a certain "glee" to them. As I type this, I see an article entitled: "Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age". I get it. You've been hurt. You're angry. It's justified.
Some of us want to change. Some of us want to improve. There are very few resources for narcissists looking for help. I know it's not curable, but it must be controllable. I have made progress by trying to be more mindful, by admitting to my spouse and family that I'm suffering. However, it's difficult for others to have empathy for NPDs because -- we don't return the favor. Plus, there is suspicion that by admitting I have a problem could just be another manipulation -- because sometimes it is. Or am I projecting insincerity on people who truly are being sincere? That's the rub with this thing: *I don't know*
When I hurt other people, especially people that I *know* love me, it is agonizing. And since I spend most of my time in my own head, I replay the pain over and over and over again. And with every replay, the pain gets worse. Especially when I internally embellish the memory.
I've known for years that there was "something" wrong with me, but it's very easy to explain away. "I don't fit in because I'm more intelligent, more capable." Then I meet someone who is even *more* intelligent and *more* capable, yet they have empathy and humility. That is astounding to me. What strength of character. And then another NPD trait kicks in: envy.
It took me YEARS to zero in on this thing. I'm 48. Forty-effing-eight years old and I'm still prone to childlike pouting, radical mood swings and my infuriating passive-aggressiveness which can be very cutting.
I'm told I have a good heart. I hope that's true. I hope my family sees something that I can't see. I hope I'm a good person. I don't think I am. But I *do* know how a good person with a good heart behaves and I can emulate that when I have to.
It's very easy to bash a narcissist because, oh boy, do we deserve the bashing for the havoc we can wreak. But know that once just a *tiny drop* of self-awareness leaks in, the pain felt by the narcissist is truly agonizing. What's worse (at least for me) is the only way to ease the pain is to put the walls back up and get back into my comfort zone.
Hi AJ. The grabby article titles are also a matter of getting people's continually divided attention these days in the wild west of the internet. I feel no glee about it. The reality is that all of us on this continuum of codependency/complex PTSD/narcissism in one way or another come out of dysfunctional family systems that involve attachment trauma. My readers, coaching clients, and I all fall in different places along that continuum. There are people, like you, who are more on the narcissistic end but who also have some ability to self-reflect and want to break that miserable and exhausting cycle. I'd be happy to speak with you about the possibility of working together, so do email me if you're interested. Take care,
Your check list is a good one. Many covert narcissist can appear empathetic and caring, but the key word is "appear" as they are only playing a role to exploit others. They don't actually feel empathy or care for anyone but themselves.
One area I think needs more attention is the fact that many covert narcissists (man or woman) are backed up by a narcissistic parent which of course not only impacts their own siblings but also people who marry into the family. A man or woman married to a covert narcissist with a mother-in-law or father-in-law who is also a narcissist is in for double trouble. Their son or daughter married to you won't ever be wrong and will not ever be called out on their bad behavior. In fact they will be put on a pedestal while your name is dragged through the mud, and you will be blamed for everything wrong with your difficult spouse. It will be you against a tag-team of two or more narcissists and of course the mother or father is going to back up their golden child son or daughter all the way. So be wary of not only who you marry but of your future in-laws as well.
I just want to say first of all that the list was an impressive description of my mother. But I also want to say that my heart goes out to AJ. I was convinced at one time that I was a narcissist too. I'm NOT saying AJ isn't a narcissist... I'm just saying that I'm not but was fully convinced by my family that I was in fact the Narcissist and since I too could check many of those things on the list myself, the gaslight was effective. But as you, Ms Hall, pointed out to AJ... I too have the ability to self reflect. I think that might actually be my superpower lol Self reflection and a desire to improve and grow. My mother isn't even capable of self reflection and her desire is for everyone else to improve because there isn't anything wrong with her.
There may not be much else to do with this - other but to sit back and wonder at a phenomena. Over and over assignment of what a person must be thinking and feeling. The most common in reference to narcissists - they don't actually feel empathy or care about others. Meanwhile the same person will speak to their own empathic abilities and the heaviness and burdening weight of their gift.
Both of which are nothing short of projections - their own thinking, feeling and determinations of what ought to be felt and thought by another.
Certainly, there is malice in the world. There are victims of malice. People have ill will, good will and any variation of combinations thereof. Dismissive, disabling use of poorly originated diagnostic criteria do not require much reflection on self whatsoever. The cries of victim resemble those accused. Attention to self would do a great deal of good towards moderating one's own responsibilities and freedoms.
I can't see the list; just title then comments. I tried on my phone and computer. Does anyone know what I'm doing wrong?
How about a child that is one , my teenager is already an adult and its getting worse and worse as he ages......
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I check all the boxes. How do I get help? I try therapy every few years when I get fed up with my behavior. When I bring up concerns that I have NPD -- or strong tendencies -- I have been universally dismissed with: "If you're questioning whether you're a narcissist, you're not." That's not true at all and illustrates how you need to have this disorder to truly understand it.
The internet is teeming with articles like "7 ways to spot a narcissist" and "the 7 things a narcissist does to...". Many of these articles are written with a certain "glee" to them. As I type this, I see an article entitled: "Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age". I get it. You've been hurt. You're angry. It's justified.
Some of us want to change. Some of us want to improve. There are very few resources for narcissists looking for help. I know it's not curable, but it must be controllable. I have made progress by trying to be more mindful, by admitting to my spouse and family that I'm suffering. However, it's difficult for others to have empathy for NPDs because -- we don't return the favor. Plus, there is suspicion that by admitting I have a problem could just be another manipulation -- because sometimes it is. Or am I projecting insincerity on people who truly are being sincere? That's the rub with this thing: *I don't know*
When I hurt other people, especially people that I *know* love me, it is agonizing. And since I spend most of my time in my own head, I replay the pain over and over and over again. And with every replay, the pain gets worse. Especially when I internally embellish the memory.
I've known for years that there was "something" wrong with me, but it's very easy to explain away. "I don't fit in because I'm more intelligent, more capable." Then I meet someone who is even *more* intelligent and *more* capable, yet they have empathy and humility. That is astounding to me. What strength of character. And then another NPD trait kicks in: envy.
It took me YEARS to zero in on this thing. I'm 48. Forty-effing-eight years old and I'm still prone to childlike pouting, radical mood swings and my infuriating passive-aggressiveness which can be very cutting.
I'm told I have a good heart. I hope that's true. I hope my family sees something that I can't see. I hope I'm a good person. I don't think I am. But I *do* know how a good person with a good heart behaves and I can emulate that when I have to.
It's very easy to bash a narcissist because, oh boy, do we deserve the bashing for the havoc we can wreak. But know that once just a *tiny drop* of self-awareness leaks in, the pain felt by the narcissist is truly agonizing. What's worse (at least for me) is the only way to ease the pain is to put the walls back up and get back into my comfort zone.
Withdraw, lash out, repent, withdraw, lash out, repent.
I'm exhausted.
Hi AJ. The grabby article titles are also a matter of getting people's continually divided attention these days in the wild west of the internet. I feel no glee about it. The reality is that all of us on this continuum of codependency/complex PTSD/narcissism in one way or another come out of dysfunctional family systems that involve attachment trauma. My readers, coaching clients, and I all fall in different places along that continuum. There are people, like you, who are more on the narcissistic end but who also have some ability to self-reflect and want to break that miserable and exhausting cycle. I'd be happy to speak with you about the possibility of working together, so do email me if you're interested. Take care,
Your check list is a good one. Many covert narcissist can appear empathetic and caring, but the key word is "appear" as they are only playing a role to exploit others. They don't actually feel empathy or care for anyone but themselves.
One area I think needs more attention is the fact that many covert narcissists (man or woman) are backed up by a narcissistic parent which of course not only impacts their own siblings but also people who marry into the family. A man or woman married to a covert narcissist with a mother-in-law or father-in-law who is also a narcissist is in for double trouble. Their son or daughter married to you won't ever be wrong and will not ever be called out on their bad behavior. In fact they will be put on a pedestal while your name is dragged through the mud, and you will be blamed for everything wrong with your difficult spouse. It will be you against a tag-team of two or more narcissists and of course the mother or father is going to back up their golden child son or daughter all the way. So be wary of not only who you marry but of your future in-laws as well.
I just want to say first of all that the list was an impressive description of my mother. But I also want to say that my heart goes out to AJ. I was convinced at one time that I was a narcissist too. I'm NOT saying AJ isn't a narcissist... I'm just saying that I'm not but was fully convinced by my family that I was in fact the Narcissist and since I too could check many of those things on the list myself, the gaslight was effective. But as you, Ms Hall, pointed out to AJ... I too have the ability to self reflect. I think that might actually be my superpower lol Self reflection and a desire to improve and grow. My mother isn't even capable of self reflection and her desire is for everyone else to improve because there isn't anything wrong with her.
There may not be much else to do with this - other but to sit back and wonder at a phenomena. Over and over assignment of what a person must be thinking and feeling. The most common in reference to narcissists - they don't actually feel empathy or care about others. Meanwhile the same person will speak to their own empathic abilities and the heaviness and burdening weight of their gift.
Both of which are nothing short of projections - their own thinking, feeling and determinations of what ought to be felt and thought by another.
Certainly, there is malice in the world. There are victims of malice. People have ill will, good will and any variation of combinations thereof. Dismissive, disabling use of poorly originated diagnostic criteria do not require much reflection on self whatsoever. The cries of victim resemble those accused. Attention to self would do a great deal of good towards moderating one's own responsibilities and freedoms.
I can't see the list; just title then comments. I tried on my phone and computer. Does anyone know what I'm doing wrong?
How about a child that is one , my teenager is already an adult and its getting worse and worse as he ages......