Listen to Julie discuss this article in detail in her interview on Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Many of us are familiar with the narcissistic personality’s classic traits such as grandiosity, callousness, and trigger-happy rage, but there are other things narcissists do often mistaken for individual personality quirks that are actually explainable aspects of pathological narcissism.
See if you recognize these weird things narcissists do and the reasons behind them:
1. They fat-shame. From judging you about your weight and eating habits, to controlling your food choices and portions, to eating food off your plate, narcissists have funky food issues relating to body image, shame, and control.
2. They walk ahead of you. They literally walk in front of you or way ahead because they’re so impatient and/or need to show their kingly/queenly superiority.
3. They value the opinions of strangers over family. They are always looking for the next new person to idealize as a source of validation and status while devaluing those close to them because reality disappoints and any club that would have them is no longer of interest.
4. They speak in an affected way. They speak in a theatrical, haughty, or otherwise self-important way to get attention and convey their exceptionalism. Some even adopt an accent.
5. They’re weird about gift-giving. Their self-centeredness and manipulativeness lead them to
- not give you anything at all;
- give or regift cheap or random things that are meant to devalue you or show they have no idea or concern for what you need/like;
- give you things they would want that you have no use for;
- give excessively to show how thoughtful/generous/tasteful they are, particularly when trying to ingratiate themselves;
- buy one for you and one for themselves; and/or
- attach strings to your gift.
6. They’re prone to conspiracy theories. They, particularly covert narcissists, view themselves as victims and project their envy, paranoia, cynicism, and bankrupt motives onto others.
7. They admire totalitarian leaders. They respect dominance, view people hierarchically, and believe in an entitled class lording over the worthless masses.
8. They don’t answer questions directly. This keeps you off guard while allowing them to avoid responsibility.
9. They rewrite history. They interpret events according to how they need to see things rather than as they are, and the past is open season for distortions, omissions, and outright lies.
10. They traumatize you before your important events. Whether you’re graduating, having an audition, or getting married, they need to make it all about them and sabotage you.
11. They sleep with and/or stay in touch with your ex. Does your father still keep in touch with your ex wife/husband? Did your mother have a “special” relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Did your ex sleep with your best friend? To hell with boundaries; what a perfect way to feel superior and in control while humiliating you.
12. They interrupt. In particular overt narcissists feel compelled to dominate the conversation; are easily bored because they miss nuance and lack empathy; have low impulse control; think they have more important things to say than you do; and believe they have greater entitlement to speak.
13. They show poor sportsmanship. When they win, they gloat because they feel superior. And when they lose, they pitch a fit, pout, make excuses, or challenge the outcome because their self-worth is on the line.
14. They’re too involved or not involved enough when you need help. You know this one: They get angry at you and/or abandon you when you’re sick, hurt, or in trouble because it’s a pain in their a** and they really don’t care. Or they use your illness/misfortune to get attention for being a long-suffering victim/saint great humanitarian.
15. They see things naively. Yes, they’re cynical and often calculating and sneaky, but their simplistic black-and-white thinking, compulsion to deny reality, and need to idealize certain types of people can make them childlike and naive about life, love, and human behavior.
Listen to Julie discuss this article in detail in her interview on Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast from December 2021.
Listen to Julie’s audio course Understanding Narcissism from Himalaya Learning for free with code JULIE.
Julie is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- The Narcissist’s Antagonistic Attachment: Subjugation, Competition, and Parasitism
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
Image courtesy of Giuseppe Milo at Creative Commons.
View Comments (19)
Great information. Covers my father or (mostly) my mother. This speaks to me more than the "classic" traits because my mother has always been really brilliant at presenting herself as very normal, loving, non-grandiose. Which is true until I actually need something which doesn't fit into her category of what she will give. Such as a genuine two-way conversation.
My sister is an abusive narc. I set no contact boundaries with her. Now some of these apply to her. Interrupting, walking ahead, shaming etc. No contact for 9 years and counting.
My father was definitely weird about gift giving. I never received a birthday present or even a phone call on my birthday. He was also super weird about spending money on anything but himself and wouldn't pay bills (like water rates or property tax) until he received a notice of pending legal action.
My ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD and I concluded that my next ex suffers NPD. It's striking how similar their symptoms are. In particular, they had items 8, 9 and 10 from your list in common. The overlap can make it difficult to differentiate between Cluster B personality disorders. It seems like it's a sliding scale than can be in flux.
Hi Julie. I agree with all these! My Dad used to walk so far ahead when we were children, we'd literally be running to keep up!
I like your point about nativity. This isn't mentioned much in relation to narcissists. I've also noticed that most are total suckers for a compliment. They can easily be manipulated once a few compliments are thrown in!
This was the very best read about Narcissism !! It was so exact & I thank you so much for clarifying what I need to do now & I definitely THANK GOD for leading me to this information 💗- my eldest narcissistic bro & his newly found narcissistic " friend " began treating my elderly loving father that was already in his 90's & had dementia badly right in front of me while the rest of my siblings were well aware of what was going on but looked the other way I immediately stood up to defend my poor father I am the youngest & apparently the scapegoat which I now know ,and although I have always stood up to steve & refused to ever allow him to control my parents or myself that day I almost had to physically fight them both as my dad just sat there looking terrified steve has lived with my dad alll of his 69 years with dad rent free & pretty much had already taken control of the household so they threw me out & the next day I was served at work with a no trespassing order from my dads house !! I was so devastated because dad & I have always been close & I knew I was his only protector ! That that really broke me cuz I felt so helpless because I knew what dad was about to endure so I went to the local authorities & APS but no one would even listen to me much less help me as this nightmare went on for 4 years I would have welfare cks done & he would convince the cops that my dad was so happy with him & I'm sure my dad would lie for him because his life was in Steve's hands . I became so very desperate& depressed that I started to feel so worthless for letting my dad down & not being able to even call him cuz steve wouldn't answer or would say dad was busy and couldn't go see dad cuz of the no trespass order I even asked the cops to make him show them proof that it hadn't expired but nope they just would not do it I by that point was carrying so much hurt anger & hatred towards all my brothers who just took his side of whatever lie he had told them until one night as I was praying to GOD & SOBBING AND PLEADING WITH GOD ABOUT WHY THIS WAS ALL HAPPENING ? I ENDED UP GOING THRU AN AWAKENING THAT NIGHT & THAT WAS THE VERY FIRST TIME THAT I HEARD OF THE NARCISSIST SO I BEGAN RESEARCHING & THEN I SUDDENLY KNEW WHAT GOD WAS PROMPTING ME TO DO ,SO I WENT TO THEIR HOUSE AND ASKED STEVE FOR FORGIVENESS TELLING HIM WHAT HE WANTED TO HEAR SO THAT I WOULD BE ALLOWED BACK INTO MY DADS LIFE & IT WORKED I FINALLY WAS ABLE TO BREATH AGAIN & I WAS SO FILLED WITH JOY TO SEE MY DAD AGAIN BUT OF COURSE MY JOY WAS SHORT LIVED AS DAD WOULD SAY TO ME AS HE LOOKED AT STEVE THAT HE DIDNT HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS CUZ STEVE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS WILL8NG TO CARE FOR HIM ! BOY THAT HURT ME SO DEEPLY BUT I KNEW BY THAT POINT THAT I COULD NOT SHOW ANY EMOTIONS SO I SOMEHOW WAS ABLE TO CONTINUE TO GO SEE DAD & VERY QUICKLY STARTED TO SEE HOW CONTROLLED & ISOLITED DAD HAD BEEN FOR THOSE 4 YEARS ! I TRIED TURNING ON THE TV BUT STEVE SAID "WE" DONT DO TGAT ANYMORE AND DAD HAD TO GO TO BED @6PM SO HE WOULD WATCH THE CLOCK AS IF HE DID NOT WANT TO MESS UP & I WAS ALWAYS TAKING DAD ALL HIS FAVORITE SNACKS & GOODIES THAT HE LIKED OR I WOULD COOK HIS FAV MEALS & TAKE THEM TO HIM ONKY TO BE MET AT THE DOOR & TOLD YHAT DAD WASNT HUNGRY ! BUT BEING A STUBBORN LIL CAPPY GOAT I WOULD ASK DAD IF HE WOULD LIKE SONE OF WHATEVER & DAD WOULD BE SO ANXIOUS AS IF HE WAS STARVING SO I WOULD DISOBEY STEVES ORDERS & SIT THERE WITH DAD UNTIL HE WAS FINISHED ALTHOUGH STEVE WOULD MANAGE TO GRAB SOME THINGS RIGHT OUT OF DADS HANDS VERY RUDELY & I THOUGHT OH DAM HERE WE GO AGAIN ! & WONDERED IF I SHOULD JUST COMPLY SO THAT I WOULDNT GET THROW OUT OF DADS LIFE AGAIN Or say something in dads defense so I asked steve why dad wasnt allowed to eat & I was told that he didnt want him eating after 3pm so that he wouldnt have to be changing dads diapers all night so I said I understood & left but when I returned home I called dads hospice facility & told them what was happening only to be ignored no one would return my calls.
My dilemma is after dad died on 2-2-20 & received a copy of his NEW WILL THAT THEY HAD CHANGED SEVERAL TIMES & BOUGHT THEMSELVES MOBILE HOMES & SPENT ALL OF MY INHERITANCE ON THEMSELVES & SOLD DADS HOUSE WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE WHICH WASNT THEIRS TO SELL I NOW HAVE TO FIND A LAWYER TO FIGHT ALL THREE OF MY BROTHERS & OR SUE MY OTHER BROTHER WHO WAS THE EXECUTER OF DADS ESTATE FOR ALLOWING STEVE WHO WAS A DIAGNOSED NPD LONG AGO TO CARE FOR MY DAD IN THE FIRST PLACE & IM TRYING TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO THRU THIS FOR DADS SAKE & TO FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE ALTHOUGH IM NOT FEELING VERY CONFIDENT BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE TIMES THAT NO ONE WOULD EVEN LISTEN MUCH LESS UNDERSTAND THE BOTTOM LINE ! SO IM ASKING FOR YOUR HELP IF YOU KNOW OF A GOOD ATTORNEY OR IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME PLEASE I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH SINCE IT WILL JUST BE ME AGAINST THEM FOR I DONT HAVE ANY SUPPORT ??! THANKS TO YOUR ARTICLE I DO KNOW 100% THAT I ABSOLUTLY HAVE TO DO THIS ! PLEASE HELP & THANK YOU FOR ALL THE INSIGHTFUL INFO THAT YOU HAVE PROVIDED TODAY - GOD BLESS YOU💥
It always amazes me how many of these behaviors are common among NPD sufferers. I tend to not speak or comment on these types of things because I still can't believe I missed the red flags and am now trapped in a relationship with a malignant narcissist. I have dealt with the walking way ahead although I interpreted it to be that they didn't want anyone to make an association between us and therefore remain open for new sources of supply. I've also dealt with the speaking with an accent, most often when I'm upset and this was his way of invalidating my emotional pain, mocking me. What I'm trying so hard to understand is how, when I am acutely aware of what he is and what he is doing, how is it that I can still be so in love with someone who has presented himself as a monster in my life? I bear the scars from emotional and physical abuse at his hands and yet I cannot seem to disconnect. Is it possible? Is there any hope to live a normal life after this?
Look up Trauma bonding and go no contact ASAP
Gosh, this article is like a tick list of someone I know. It describes them absolutely. I had my suspicions and now I am more confident than ever that absolute no contact is the way to go. I went through each point saying yep, yep, yep... for comparison and to check for confirmation bias I also ran a couple of my friends through the list. They got nope nope nope... ;) Thank you to the author here.
So true !