Published on HuffPost July 23, 2017, at 1:46 pm ET
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are exceptionally skilled abusers with a kind of algorithm that makes their abuse particularly destructive.
The NPD Equation
unstable identity + lack of self-esteem + low empathy = pathologically manipulative, exploitative, abusive personality
Stunted children likely treated to abuse/neglect or overindulgence when very young, people who develop NPD fail to form a core sense of self or empathy. Narcissists do not establish emotionally mature and stable identities, self-esteem, and feelings of compassion for others. Their fundamental psycho-emotional emptiness leads them to continuously seek validation externally rather than from within. Their parasitic need for validation from others exacerbates their lack of empathy, leading to highly manipulative and abusive behavior to feed their endless need for attention, admiration, and control.
Those intimately familiar with narcissists know too well their emotionally, psychologically, and often physically abusive actions, which surface day to day, hour to hour. For those on the receiving end, people with NPD often seem monstrous. They cause extraordinary trauma, particularly in the lives of those closest to them, with little to no remorse but instead the belief that their behavior is justified.
Common Patterns of Narcissistic Abuse
Although, like the rest of us, all narcissists have different personalities, their abusive behavior manifests in remarkably consistent ways, including the following patterns:
- sudden often violent rage with a hurricane’s ferocity;
- refusal to take responsibility;
- projection of abusive behavior and selfish motives onto others;
- shaming, mocking, baiting, and ridiculing (often presented as “teasing”) to gain an advantage and feel superior;
- pitting people, particularly their family members, against one another (aka divide and conquer) as a means of control and to deflect blame and accountability;
- endless demands for agreement and admiration;
- inability to share attention with others, even their children;
- scapegoating “loved” ones;
- bragging, lying, cheating, and bullying;
- gaslighting (making you think you’re crazy);
- entitled, arrogant abuse of “underlings,” such as employees, wait staff, clerks, and secretaries;
- grandiose assertions of superiority, omnipotence, and perfection;
- indifference, impatience, anger, and disassociation with/from others’ illness, loss, misfortune, and so on;
- denial, often outrageous in the face of blatant truth; and
- calculated charm on the surface and appalling treatment of family members behind the curtain.
Hidden Trauma
Those unfamiliar with NPD and narcissistic abuse typically find it incomprehensible. This is because the narcissist’s lack of a moral compass is difficult to imagine without direct experience with it and because people with NPD generally work to present a picture of normalcy or even an ideal “perfect” life to outsiders. Even most therapists are unschooled in NPD and its damage to those who live with narcissists, which nearly invariably leads to C-PTSD and a host of other lasting emotional and health effects.
Overt narcissists are often publicly charismatic, making their family’s abusive experience invisible to others. Covert narcissists are expert at keeping their pathology hidden in the shadows, often presenting themselves as devoted family members or wronged victims with outsiders unaware of their morally bankrupt behavior at home.
Thus, those harmed by narcissistic abuse are further traumatized by the isolation and self-doubt that comes with it. And they are vulnerable to judgment and ill-conceived advice from outsiders who don’t understand and may encourage them to forgive, confront, reconcile with, or otherwise open themselves to further abuse.
Listen to Julie being interviewed about the narcissistic family on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- The Narcissist on Social Media: The Exhibitionist and Troll
- The True Narcissist: 7 Definitive Traits
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- The Narcissist Family: Its Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
Photo courtesy of Airman Daniel B. Blackwell, Shaw Air Force Base.
View Comments (13)
This makes total sense to me. I didn't even know the meaning of the word until now! I've been in a relationship for 6 years with a man who has all these traits and I love him more than life itself. I've had to break the chains and end the relationship and all contact because I can't handle it any longer. The more I forgive the worse it gets enough is enough!!!!!!
Good luck healing, Amy. It sounds like you made a painful but necessary and healthy decision to walk away.
Great article!! Sadly the Family courts do not want to recognize the abuse on children of Narcissist abuse. My 11 year old daughter is caught in the middle of the abuse(physical, mental and emotional). I got out, but the family courts still fiercely protect a parents rights more then the child's. Even when he was charged with two counts of domestic assault against me and my daughter last summer. yet he gets away with the charge against her and only gets one week probation for the one count on me. Even after the 4 police reports I submitted to the criminal courts from our abusive marriage. CRAZY!!! Even our court appointed GAL said that our daughter should continue with the current parenting arrangement. I have no words for the lack of protection of minor children in local family courts when it comes to Narcissist abuse with children!
Thanks Emily. Yes, the continuing ignorance about real NPD and its devastating affect on families is a serious problem in the courts that begs to be rectified. Probably only slow education is the answer.
Yes, Emily you are correct- it's unbelievable what's going on.
If they experienced abuse as a child, and their empathy wasn't formed, they are seeking validation, etc...arent they victims as Well? How can a narcissist have a loving marriage and life? They are deserving of love. So how can that successfully happen?
The problem is that the love we all know does not exist in the heart of a narcissist. In their world, love is shown through gifts, praises and tools of laziness (doing their job). If you keep giving them they will eventually think they are entitled. If for any reason you can no more afford you will be chosen as another scapegoat. Note that their choice is influenced by the strength of the victim’s heart.
But yeah, different narcissists may have different kinds of childhood stories. For my mom, there were several factors:
My grandma passed away when my mom was just 2/3 year old.
She was brought up with the view that she could do no wrong.
They allowed her to steal here and there because it looked cute to them.
She never saw poverty. It was a very comfortable life.
She thought she was larger than life because of her aristocratic blood.
My dad fulfilled her every wish.
She was a stay at home mom who never had to do much cooking because my dad got her a maid.
My dad told us she was always right. The golden child mentioned how mom always gave her great advice. That boosted her ego. Meanwhile, I made her feel uncomfortable because I wanted to speak “reality” and our morals didn’t align. She went to a great length to show all that I was a slacker with a selfish heart. In reality, I stopped being helpful because no matter what I did the abuse never stopped.
The most disgusting thing she told me was this: “because we have no problem I am making them up to fight about”. I know for sure that my mom and sis were very much aware of their narcissism.
I have a feeling that the person I married maybe a npd. During some of our arguments he would say things like I'm not perfect or I can't do anything right or he isn't good enough. I always wondered where is it coming from? Yet when we first got together it he was always telling me that I was perfect. I always said no one is. Which no is. But it was strange to me that he would answer that way. Well on a visit with his Mt her we were talking about him. She said its her fault because she wanted him to be perfect. I said the same thing to her no one is perfect. I noticed some manipulating traits in her too and also her own grandkids. Yet if I point it or to him he disregards it. He also said she never said she loved him and she had asked him right in front of me but denies that conversation took place. So now he is getting help and booked and appointment with a counselor. Don't know how this is going to turn out. Does anyone see things in the family traits? Am I crazy?
I have the worst and dangerous narcissistic mother ever
She is a malignant narcissist
Narciss feed on your forgiveness the invisible chain
Narciss feed on your forgiveness the invisible chain.
My father had a flying monkey steal a court letter out of the mail box to take us children away.My mother didn’t even know there was a court date.I didn’t realize cause I was a little boy.But I saw the man steal the court letter.