Published in The Huffington Post 02/27/2017 11:49 p.m. ET. Narcissists are practiced at hiding their true face to the world and initially can be quite charming and skilled at honing in on targets for seduction. But careful observation and an understanding of narcissistic personality disorder will enable you to spot a narcissist.
Whether you’re wondering about a new love interest, friend, or boss, or you’re looking to understand someone you’ve known for a while and have concerns about, here are seven sure-fire ways to suss out the narcissists from the genuine people of character.
1. Lacks Empathy
Perhaps the most telling characteristic of the narcissist is a lack of empathy for the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others. As far as narcissists are concerned, others are merely props or extensions of themselves to be manipulated for their own purposes. Signs of empathy are good listening, reflecting back compassion and concern, validating other people’s feelings, being willing to apologize and take responsibility, remembering and asking about others’ lives, and acting on behalf of others’ needs even when it is inconvenient or difficult. Consistent behavior to the contrary is a Narcissist Alert!
2. Is Arrogant and Grandiose
To hide a fundamental sense of unworthiness, narcissists adopt a grandiose persona. On the surface, they may be skilled at attracting and influencing others, but their need to assert their superiority makes them arrogant, competitive, rude, and explosive or vindictive when threatened or “crossed.” They are prone to bragging, name-dropping, making grand displays, or passive-aggressive manipulation, guilt tripping, and smug superiority. Once you spot a narcissist your best tactic is to avoid confrontation, keep your feelings to yourself, and walk away.
3. Attracts Excessive Attention
Narcissists thrive on attention, often referred to as their “supply.” Because they suffer from profound emotional instability, they seek attention from others as a form of validation. While we all have social needs, narcissists demand a level of attention far beyond that of “normal” people, resorting to all manner of manipulation to get it. The narcissist figuratively sucks all the oxygen out of the room. To gain attention, extroverted narcissists typically dominate conversations, while covert narcissists use guilt and play the victim. Either way, narcissists are always vying for attention. The narcissistic father, for example, may bitterly resent attention given to his own children and punish his spouse and them if he is not appeased (read more about narcissist parents).
4. Demands Adulation
Mere attention is not sufficient for narcissists. Their larger-than-life persona makes them feel entitled to the best and most of everything, particularly admiration and special treatment. At home they demand subservience and adoration without earning or returning it, and in stores, restaurants, hotels, and the like, they expect the best service. If the narcissist feels overlooked or deprived (often by treatment that others would regard as normal), s/he will not hesitate to cause a scene, lash out, or sulk punishingly.
5. Flies into Rages
Because narcissists lack stable self-esteem, they are highly sensitive to any hint of criticism or judgment. Their extreme defensiveness and sense of entitlement make them unwilling to take responsibility, instead deflecting and projecting blame onto others. If they feel threatened, they will unleash a violent counterattack, flying into an explosive rage that far exceeds regular anger and that may become physical.
6. Abuses Social Media
It’s not difficult to spot a narcissist online. Users of social media by and large want to show a good face, but narcissists seek to project perfection and outshine their peers. They tend to post often, edit their photos more than others do, and show idealized images of their lives. They may regularly feature flattering closeups of their face or images that highlight their best physical qualities. When they post images of family members, they often appear more like lifestyle accessories. As long as narcissist look good, they will present photos of others that may be unflattering. To appear popular, narcissists often attempt to collect large numbers of “friends” and “followers” even if the vast majority are surface acquaintances or strangers. They may also use social media to highlight their favored golden child, while ignoring their scapegoated child (read more about the golden child and scapegoat).
7. Lacks a Moral Code
To bolster their extravagant egos and shield themselves from unbearable feelings of vulnerability, narcissists will rationalize just about any behavior. They are always looking to gain the upper hand, and their toolkit is strikingly consistent from one narcissist to another. The narcissist’s bag of tricks includes some or all of the following:
- criticizes
- competes
- violates boundaries
- manipulates
- terrorizes
- lies
- blames
- shames
- belittles
- ridicules
- denies
- projects
- gaslights
- deflects accountability
- plays the victim
Spot a Narcissist? Be Aware
Now that you have a better idea of how to spot a narcissist, it is essential to keep in mind that they do not play nice or fair, and they are loyal to no one and nothing but their own agenda. They may initially seduce and lavish idealized attention, but one way or another they will betray your trust if you make the mistake of offering it to them.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. She is working on a memoir (read excerpts) about life, and few near-deaths, in a narcissistic family.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why and How Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- Waking Up to Narcissistic Abuse
- Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Damage List
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
Featured image courtesy of tommerton2010, Creative Commons.
View Comments (7)
With some of these I think it would be a challenge to spot unless you know the narcissist very well. My narcissist is very handsome, charming, and generous. I think sometimes he has a LOT of empathy. With newbies, he uses that empathy to appear attentive—the perfect man. With his scapegoat and other targets, he'll use that empathy to manipulate and/or be cruel. In other words, for him, empathy is a tool. He uses it to gain more fans and also uses it to punish those who refuse to be his fan (like me!)
Does it ever bother you that analysts on the news continue to suggest that there is strategic thinking about policy and politics behind the things that this president does? He’s just a desperate narcissist who’s working frantically to maintain the 33% who provide narcissistic supply, while at the same time eliminating those who criticize or judge his intelligence and decisions. He’s simply a coward and a fraud. Really hard when members of your own family can’t recognize this.
I have those thoughts multiple times a day. It is shoddy analysis and, given how much information about narcissism there is out here and what a catastrophic mess he's making, inexcusable.
Good gravy! Man, oh man am I soo grateful for you Julia. I'd not really known completely about narcissism, sure we've all heard of it, but I did not realize it was a "type" so specified. I see every single description to a T that you've listed in our mother (our, as in my family). One of my sisters researches NPD online, reads blogs, has warned me to be leery, suspicious of my mother & not to trust her kindnesses, NOW I SEE WHY. It's all making sense. My childhood, hers - is all of what you've written here. Growing up in her household was an absolute hell. The stories I could tell you! Just one- I was a teenage runaway (gee, I wonder why...) & became quite ill, so ill I spent six weeks in hospital with one working kidney. My doctor said I literally was brought in hours from death- literally. How many visitors did I receive? ONE: from my drug supplier. I laid in hospital, on the very edges of death, touch and go- a child- yet I was "punished" for it. That is just one episode among many. Her madness- no- evil! had ruined my life. Growing up, not knowing what her problem was- assuming it was me, not being smart enough, wise enough, sense enough- well. And there are thousands, millions? out there the very same as I. What a shame! What a loss. I don't see this as an illness- it is, sort of, but we as human beings have choices, God given choices, and hearts, and if we feed the evil it gets stronger. These people revel in their evil. They are the epitome of selfishness.
So you have enough time in a day to think about the president and how he's making a catastrophic mess of our country? Really?! I've been to several 3 world countries and I can't say our country is a catastrophic mess, but you obviously do, which shows how naive you are
What a priviledge it must be to have such free time whereas most Americans spend their day thinking about their family, jobs and activities, yet you sit around thinking about Trump!
I've known my mom has a personality disorder since I was a small child. I am incredibly skilled at reading people, and I could always see right through her. Always. Unfortunately, that is the main reason why narcissists target people such as myself; the scapegoat is usually the family member that is the most perceptive, empathic, outspoken, brave, BUT also the most vulnerable - the one with the lowest self-esteem and the most willing to give second, third, twelfth chances. The easiest to abuse. When my mom kicked me out of the house (then denied it to people who actually witnessed her do it, LOL), I told her sometime later, "Don't ever speak to me again unless you are seeking professional help." Trust me when I say I will be waiting forever. This might sound harsh, but I truly believe she is evil. I am SO grateful that I was blessed with a highly perceptive nature (a.k.a. BS detector) and also the innate ability to stand up for myself and others. Although my empathy is what has made me an excellent target to her, (keep in mind people with Narcissism are literally incapable of feeling empathy), it is also my greatest quality. It has helped me become successful in other aspects of my life. Both a blessing and a curse. People with this disease - and I do believe it is a disease - are capable of the lowest most horrifying actions. Imagine - a fully grown adult emotionally and psychologically stunted at the age of 3! That's what they are. Have you ever tried reasoning with a 3 year old? If you have, you know you're wasting your breath. Cut your losses and cut the narcissist out of your life, and resist any of their tricky tactics to pull you back in. I'll give you an example - a year after she kicked me out and we didn't speak at all, she tried to take advantage of my vulnerability; she had heard I had a break up with my boyfriend and she texted me saying, "I'm so sorry to hear, you can come back home whenever you want." I nearly fell for it for like 30 seconds, then decided to ignore it because she was so clearly trying to get me at my most vulnerable time in my life. Since then she has made numerous attempts to sabotage all areas of my life. I could go on and on honestly. Anyways, like I said, cut your losses and start living your life FOR YOU. Rise above and show the narcissist they haven't got the better of you. They want nothing more than to see you fail.
I have been married to a Narcissist for 36 year..I’m not proud…every thing imaginable and every excuse has been done and said. We had 3 kids, I focused on raising them to the best of my ability. One thing about a narcissist, they are a creature of habit, love bombing to make up, unkept promises, punishing, cheating the controlling behavior, and constantly running when things get too uncomfortable for him. Such a pattern…..I was so hurt when we first married, I had this storybook romance so I thought…engaged, married and pregnant in 1.5 year. He is the King Cobra of snakes. After at least 12 therapists over the years…promises made only to get back home…never truly changed, went to church,nope didn’t change him, bought us a house…only a house of hell and chaos. I knew he is incapable of change. The kids are grown and I am divorcing him now for peace of mind I so desperately need. I absolutely feel nothing for him..there is no pain and I’m not sad. I’m doing everything that I want to do…I’m free!
I learned to cope by surrounding myself with people that brought me comfort over the years. I am not going to call myself a victim, I fought back and refused his behavior many times. I challenged him, and his controlling ways, pointing out his predictable behavior and his failures. We spoke of his horrid upbringing and how you must make choices as adults….no mulligans….his weakness as a man. There were battles between him and I…but never in front of the kids. I use to feel sorry for him mixed with disgust for his weakness and deliberate acts of cruelty. It was pathetic and so predictable. Eventually the hurt stopped to existing…..and when the youngest graduated college, I wanted to end the marriage. It was easy to get him out, talk about something that he has done and is uncomfortable with and he runs. I’m currently in no contact mode and will be there until I file for divorce. No amount of crying, begging, love bombing or empty promises will change my mind. Regarding their need for “supply”, he could have a harem of women, I could care less. I feel no pain of separation, been there and done that….no more abuse, I planned this, little did he know.
I sometimes thing about the regret that I didn’t leave sooner and that I wasted my prime…..I love my children, and they are stellar human beings. So that gets me past those thoughts. life isn’t over because I’m older…even though, I don’t think about companionship now….just need to fully heal. And I love living with out him now…..like a young woman moving away from home for the first time.
We can get so engrossed about them and what they do, but we need to focus more on yourself whether you stay or move on. I’m not a fan of all the attention that they get for their cruelty. Enough of them, mire focus on the survivors and how to re enter life happy healthy and prosperous.