As the saying goes, we often hurt the ones we love, but many narcissists torture others deliberately, whether to boost their self-esteem or for sadistic enjoyment, or both.

Merriam-Webster defines torture as “the infliction of intense pain to coerce, punish, or afford sadistic pleasure” and “anguish of body or mind.” Anyone who has had the misfortune of being targeted by a narcissist knows very well that torture is in fact precisely the word for the experience. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is by nature an abusive disorder because of narcissists’ deficient development of ego and empathy, which leads them to compensate with inflated entitlement and self-importance in the absence of a moderating conscience.

Those closest to people with NPD, such as a partner/spouse and children, are at most risk of torturous behavior. It can range from psycho-emotional to physical and sexual, but it is inevitable because narcissists don’t care if they hurt others while at the same time are often attempting to exert control and dominance, whether overtly or covertly expressed.

Coerce

“Coercion” is the first part of the dictionary definition of torture. Narcissists coerce others, especially their family, to uphold the manufactured identity they create for themselves in place of the vulnerable instability they experience beneath their assertions of superiority. They continuously justify their neglect and abuse of others, and they resort to coercion to exact cooperation and/or submission from those they are violating.

Coercive Tactics

Narcissists torture others using these common coercive tactics to gain compliance:

  1. Isolation removing the target’s independence, such as by restricting contact with friends, outside family, and social connections; constraining physical freedom; and limiting financial resources
  2. Removal of Free Will destabilizing the target’s fundamental sense of self, reality, and worldview through persistent questioning and negative judgment
  3. Instilled Powerlessness undermining the target’s confidence in his/her thoughts, feelings, and perceptions through distortions of reality, gaslighting, and dismissing and denying truths and facts to cause self-doubt and cognitive dissonance
  4. Thought Control controlling acceptable opinion and expression in the target through judgment, intimidation, silent treatment, rejection, and unspoken “rules of engagement”
  5. Terror controlling the target’s words, actions, and thoughts through implied, threatened, or real verbal, physical, and/or sexual violence, sometimes combined with intermittent repentance, promises of change, and/or rewards to keep the target “in the game” and holding out hope for change

Punish

“Punishment” is the second part of our dictionary definition of torture. Narcissists are not capable of sustained genuine love, loyalty, or respect for others, even and often especially those who in fact love and are loyal and respectful to them. Anyone who triggers, usually inadvertently, their repressed insecurity (early attachment trauma), is fair game for a host of punishments. Narcissists punish for numerous reasons, and they do it without remorse believing others deserve it and would do the same to them if they were clever enough and/or given the chance.

Reasons for Punishment

  1. to control
  2. to get revenge
  3. to demonstrate their powers of influence
  4. to obtain/regain compliance
  5. to vent their rage
  6. to assert their entitlement
  7. to shut down potential or actual threats
  8. to defeat “competition”
  9. to display their dominance
  10. to get “respect”
  11. to create fear
  12. to derive sadistic pleasure

Sadistic Pleasure

Here we come to the third part of our dictionary definition of torture: “sadistic pleasure” in pursuit of causing “anguish of body or mind.” Some narcissists are on the malignant end of the spectrum, meaning their primary means of exerting control over their environment is through serial aggression, dominance, and abuse. Many malignant narcissists are also sadistic, experiencing pleasure, often sexual, through torturing others. They aren’t hurting others just because they lack a conscience and are trying to moderate their self-esteem. They are doing it also because they enjoy and even delight in humiliating, dominating, defiling, and dehumanizing others. People with NPD are not necessarily sadistic, but the ones who are make monstrous abusers who will torment those, in a parallel universe, they are meant to love.

Thank you to The Neurotypical Site for insights into psychological coercion based on Amnesty International definitions, adapted here.

Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.  

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