Helen’s troubles with her narcissistic mother started long before she could talk. As an infant she suffered an undetected neonatal stroke. Helen’s mother, Maurine, said she was a colicky baby who was acting out to spite her. It wasn’t until Helen lost her vision and partial facial muscle function at seven years old that an MRI identified her early stroke.
Following her loss of vision, which she eventually regained, Helen endured over two dozen surgeries. “My mother viewed my problems as competition, so she got sick a lot for attention,” Helen said. “She never talked about my health or asked me how I was doing.”
Room for Improvement?
Helen said her mother abused her two younger sisters, but she was the primary target of Maurine’s rage, both verbal and physical. Once when Helen brought home a report card of straight As, her narcissistic mother gave her a brutal beating, saying she should have gotten A+s. “I went to my teachers after that and asked why I hadn’t gotten A+s, and they said they didn’t give them,” Helen recalled.
Look at Me!
At the dinner table one night when Helen and her sisters and father were talking Maurine suddenly slipped from her chair and collapsed onto the floor, apparently unconscious. Shocked and concerned, her family rushed to her side and picked up the phone to call 911, at which time Maurine regained consciousness. The same scenario played out a few more times at the dinner table. If the conversation shifted away from Maurine, she would dramatically drop to the floor, eliciting concern from her family. Helen said, “Pretty soon we knew that Mom’s ‘fainting spells’ were more ploys for attention. After that we ignored her and talked over it. She continued to fall sometimes. She’d lie there for a bit and then pretend to wake up in confusion.”
Charming on the Outside
In their community Maurine couldn’t do enough for other families. “Everyone loved her,” Helen said. “She remembered everyone’s birthday and baked them a cake. She was a Girl Scout leader. She’d take the girls on hikes and sew their uniforms. All of my friends loved her. No one noticed that my sisters and I weren’t on the hikes. We never got birthday cakes.”
Booby Prize
Helen described her father as a narcissist too, but she said he didn’t target his kids as much as her narcissistic mother did. “He was an alcoholic and a gambler, and he was gone a lot at work,” Helen explained. “One of the most heart-breaking moments for me as a child was realizing Dad knew what was going on. After a bad beating from Mom, he brought me a candy bar.”
Gun Slingers
Helen said her parents often fought violently and after they divorced took out restraining orders against each other. One day when Helen was 14 and her father stopped by to pick her up from her mother’s house, Maurine emerged with a gun and shot at both Helen and her father. She missed Helen but hit her father, who fell forward across Maurine’s property line onto her lawn, in doing so violating the restraining order. When police investigated the shooting, Helen’s father declined to press charges against his ex-wife. When they approached her for questioning, Maurine, knowing there were no charges against her, admitted she had shot her ex and then added that she wanted to press charges against him for violating her restraining order.
Sketchy History
Helen said one of the things that saved her growing up was spending time with her grandparents. She said her paternal grandfather would intervene on her behalf when her mother lost her temper. As a young adult Helen interviewed members of her mother’s family to try to figure her out. “It was immensely helpful to talk with them,” she said. “I realized my mother’s problems existed from a very young age, that it wasn’t my fault.”
Still Got It
These days Helen has firm boundaries with her narcissistic mother and a 3,000-mile buffer. She protects herself and her 22-year-old daughter, but, she says, her mother hasn’t changed much. Helen described her most recent visit with Maurine back in Georgia:
“My daughter is very pretty and often gets looks. We took my mother out for dinner one night, and some young men at a nearby table noticed my daughter. They were smiling and trying to catch her eye, something my daughter dislikes and tried to ignore.” On the car ride after dinner Maurine would not stop chuckling. Helen said, “Mom had a familiar smug look on her face. When I finally asked her what she was laughing about, she grinned and said, ‘I’ve still got it, the sex appeal. Did you see those good-looking men staring at me?’” Helen continued, “My mother is almost 80 and has facial paralysis and one eye sown shut.”
Helen said, “I’ve worked hard to have a workable relationship with my mother, not a loving one. She doesn’t have a clue what that is. I’ve never had a single moment of maternal affection from her.”
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free coming December 3, 2019, from Hachette Books. Preorder your copy now.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Maddening and Bizarre Things About Narcissists Explained
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
Featured image of painting by Egon Schiele, “Mother and Child.”
View Comments (18)
My journey with a narcissist began shortly after birth I would presume. I was genuinely sick as a kid. I have had symptoms of a serious neurological disorder since the age of fourteen. There are so many stories I could write. Breaking my fibula bone in high school really stands out as my mother failed to take me to a doctor for a week. This is what I am able to share for now. It's painful to talk about how much my mother abused and neglected me. Everyone thinks she is so sweet. I do love her. I just wish she was capable of loving me back. She is not. It is a fixed and stable personality disorder that never gets better. Now it is time to hug a tree. :-)
Dear Ali. Thank you for sharing part of your story. Narcissists are often masters at showing one face to their community and quite another to their family, especially their scapegoat child. Trees are the best of friends. They stand tall and breathe out life-giving oxygen. My best to you.
I can't quite workout if my mother is a narcissist or not. I definitely thinks she has tendencies, as she can be cruel & critical. My experience was one of loneliness, despair at the constant rejection. We may have well been strangers in that house. I recall self soothing a lot when I was little, I turned into a seriously disturbed angry child until I eventually I began to shut down my feelings, inside I had to divorce my parents & accepted I'm on my own, I stopped believing what they said, such as I'm not very intelligent, I won't make anything of myself.
As soon as I was big enough to venture outside & escape the silence & toxic shame, I become someone else, like I was 2 different people. The self repulsed me on the inside, and a totally different me on the outer,
which is OK because I've done well to be get where I am on my own. I can't say I had an unhappy childhood because as the othe me I'm sure I was happy for the best part.
But in my personal life I find it really hard to trust people. if I'm ignored or rejected now, it feels like I'm going mad all over again. I can no longer seek to find relationships with men, on any meaningful level, if I ever really could. I have to avoid that kind of treatment or else I'm back in PTSD hell.
Thanks for writing, Tara. Whether narcissistic by nature, your experience in your family certainly sounds very painful with lasting trauma. Some people make tragically poor parents. I wish you peace.
I am the 6th child of 8. My overt narcissist father liked all the other children except me. I was basically invisible to him and as I grew up I tried very hard to garner his acceptance but it never happened. My mother
( possibly covert narc) treated me like a slave and none of my 5 brothers ,3 older and 2 younger ( very spoilt) had to do anything domestic. My 2 sisters were much older and gone before I was a teenager. Everything fell on me and if I complained I got a fair hiding . I worked hard at home and at school and was a fairly high achiever but not once was I encouraged or praised. Mostly i was mocked by my mother! I envied my friends who had amazing Parents! I left home young and lived with my eldest sister who loved me and I her. She died when I was 20, my heart broke. Eventually I married a covert narcissist who made my and my children's lives hell. Sometimes I yelled at my kids , fear, frustration, anger, horrible husband, my childhood?? I loved my kids deeply, tried so hard to be a kind and loving parent, but nothing makes up for having narc parents or husband and father , so my grown children are quite cold and selfish. Covert narcs no doubt. Im on my own now my cat and my dog, a few friends. Battered but not broken just getting on with whats left of my life. Ive talked to a few counsellors but none seem to understand narcissists or the damage they do. They seem to be everywhere now either overt or covert. The worlds going to hell in a handbasket.
Hi Dee. Thank you for sharing your experiences, which sound very painful. So often those of us from narcissistic homes tragically fall into repeat patterns in adulthood. There are resources for finding therapists conversant with narcissism. Perhaps you've seen that here on my site. Wishing you healing and better days,
Julie
I've had several 'conversations' with my NPD mother. I will never forgive her for the physical and physiological abuse she enjoyed sharing with us on a daily basis. She once told me her small church choir were to perform in the Royal Albert Hall in London..turns out along with 50 other choirs. Upon arrival the changing rooms (good enough for the worlds leading orchestras and opera singers) were not decent enough. She told the conductor she wouldn't be back until he had sorted it out. She went back two years later for the same event and sounded genuinely convinced she was the catalyst; she was pleased to report they had heeded her demands and now it was fine. When I was 11, maybe upon the third occasion she whipped me with my own riding crop, in a very humiliating, calculating and cold way, I remember taking it from her, tying it in a knot, pushing her against the wall and telling her if she even thought about doing that again to me or my siblings I would kill her. Unfortunately, she never did.
Having become a psychotherapist and putting my empath skills to good use, having a fierce sense of justice and working mainly with men, I have zero contact with my mother - she isn't really human. My sadness is my siblings are still very much enmeshed in her web and seem to be none the wiser...'that's just how she is' is their attitude, despite their suicide attempts, anorexia and trashed relationships...we do what we can.
Thanks for a brilliant web site and such helpful info' Julie. Your work is a beacon of hope to many and having found it, I will share it widely. Bless you.
I was shopping at a favorite store of mine once with my Narcissistic mother. I was in the change room and I heard this conversation:
Salesclerk...”is that your daughter? She is a real sweetheart?”
Mom...”I have three daughters.”
Salesclerk...”we just love your daughter here,she is very friendly and kind.”
Mom, not taking the compliment about me well...”my other daughters don’t need to shop here”. It was a plus size store, and even behind my back she couldn’t resist the weight digs.
As we left the store, I asked Mom what her and the salesclerk were talking about, and she replied “ nothing really, who listens to what clerks say?”
Another time, my mother had spent a fun evening with me and about ten of my friends. After they left mom says to me “I was thinking that you had such nice friends. They seem to like you even though you are so overweight.” She never missed an opportunity to give me a backhanded compliment!
At my graduation from nursing...”we are so proud of Carol” (my sister who graduated the same time as I did). This was said multiple times until my husband said “ you had two daughters who graduated today” my sister and I both graduated, but I was on the honor role and had received the two awards given by the school...first time that both awards were given to the same person...I never heard one word saying they were proud of me, or congratulations, etc. Par for the course.
Totally understand this. NM who is 88 now but worse than ever. I am no contact with any of my family because of her. Like ur mother my mother has used illness all her life to get attention. I am the one with a life long real illness but never asked how I am by any of my former family. My mother always sick but really never sick . Being the scapegoat was difficult but now I'm free and healthier and happier. It upsets me that my family turned on me and believe all 5he lies she told them about me. Narcissists are very sick people. I hope I never have to deal with one again.
This story is all too familiar to me. My father is an overt narcissist and my mother is a covert narcissist. I have 4 older sisters who are several years older than me. In fact, by the time I was nine, they were all out of the house. I have a brother who is 3 years younger than me who was the golden child while I was the scapegoat. I am 44 years old now and I’m just now coming to grips with my childhood. My sisters got the heck out of there as soon as they could, which I don’t blame them. I could never do anything right. I broke my wrist when I was 12 and didn’t get taken to the doctor until a month later when I rebroke it at school so they didn’t have a choice but to take me to the ER. I got “it’s far from your heart “ and “you’re just too sensitive “. I have talked to my mom about this in adulthood and she ended up throwing it back in my face. Her dog was having acute health problems a year or so ago so I told her to take him to the vet. I told her that I wasn’t confident that she would really take him to the vet and her response was “you mean like I didn’t take you to the doctor and I have to keep hearing about it?!”. Really?! My mom is 80 now and I take care of her medications, nobody else will do it. She constantly has been on me for 3 or 4 years that I’m not doing them right (which I am). I had a colonoscopy about 6 months ago. Here I was, about to go back, with the IV in my arm, and she told me in front of my hubby and sister that I was trying to kill her. She said I switched her and my dads pills around (which I didn’t) and that she brought them with her for me to look at. She also said she hadn’t taken them for days because I didn’t give her the right ones. This is two of many examples, we don’t have all day. I’m still trying to figure things out. If I wasn’t a Christian I would have cut them off already. I’m about fed up. I have one sister that gets it worse than me, the second one, but we are the ones doing everything for them. I’ll have mixed feelings when they pass away because at least my suffering will be eased. That’s awful to say, and I feel like an awful person saying it. 😥😥😥
I was raised by an extreme narcissist mother, who severely abused me eventually leaving me for my grandparents to raise. Then she wanted to be in and out of my life. Needless to say, I ended up with a man who was the same. I left him after 9 years of hell and he made all of my children turn against me as they got older. I finally realized the past 8 years my cycle of attracting and holding on to people with this pattern. I have had to cut ties literally with my brother and my adult children in order to get healthy and heal. It is a long journey and all the best to everyone to heal from it and move forward.
I only have a mother in law that is a narcissist. She needs us now and has turned on her charm. This is after years of my husband being her scapegoat, me being someone she never accepted after almost thirty-nine- years of marriage, and my poor husband that is going to help pay her bills now.
I feel sorry for myself for circumstances that are out of my control, but I am learning to carry on one day at a time.
Thanks for the article.
Reading the comments here makes me understand how damaging these fuckers can be.
My mum has NPD undiagnosed sure but she has it.
my childhood was filled with:
Rejection
Criticism
Projection
Blaming
Shaming
beatings
I firmly remember being 11 years old and leaving primary school, we had been on a school trip and had, had to write a report on it, I obtained a C for my report, not great, not bad. I remember leaving the parents evening after having our reports presented, climbing into the car with my Narc mum and enabling alcoholic step dad and getting the narc rage "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU EMBARASS ME LIKE THAT, ALL THOSE OTHER KIDS GOT MUCH BETTER GRADES THAN YOU, YOU'RE PATHETIC, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING" I was 11 for fucks sake.
This was pretty common behaviour thorughout my childhood and teenage years, being called fat, ugly, waste of space, selfish bitch.
One thing you should know about narcs, they want you to achieve well enough to make them look gfood but not so you outshine them, another example:
I was a very good skier when I was little (yes I got taken on holidays and then blamed for ruining them) and one time I was at the Tamworth snowdome doing some skiing, there just happened to be the Juniors British Olympic ski coach there, he tols my narc mum how good I was and he wanted me on the team if she could get me there every saturday, she declined saying she couldnt afford the petrol, fast forward 3 months later and her and my step father booked a £6000 holiday to Cuba, my grandparents were livid when they found out as they would have taken me. She couldnt handle that I was better at skiing than she was, this competitive attitude she had with me never wavered.
I was very lucky to have such loving grandparents.
I honestly dont think i'd of survived otherwise