Published on The Huffington Post April 25, 2016 If you have the misfortune of having been raised by narcissists, chances are you’ve heard classics like these: “You’re just too sensitive.” “You need to learn to let things go.” “When are you going to move on from the past?” and the fauxpology “I’m sorry you feel I’m such a disappointment as a mother/father.”
Good Help Is Hard to Find
Denial, projection, blame, belittlement, rage, and scapegoating are tried-and-true tools of the narcissist’s trade, and if you grew up having the adults meant to love and nurture you use them against you you’re probably especially vulnerable to such treatment as an adult. (Read an in-depth analysis of narcissistic family dynamics here.) Unfortunately for sufferers of narcissistic abuse trauma, looking for support from a therapist can be hazardous terrain.
Seven years ago Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Fiona Steele shifted her long-established practice to work exclusively with clients dealing with narcissist fallout because, she said, it’s an underserved population with an overwhelming need. “I’m in awe of how so few practitioners understand narcissism,” Steele told me. “So many of the clients that come to me have dealt with therapists who don’t have a clue about the insidious ways narcissists suck out the life of the people around them.” Steele advised people seeking therapeutic support for narcissist abuse to find someone with a firm understanding of narcissism and a solid treatment toolkit that includes more than just talk therapy. Her message to sufferers is, “You are not crazy.”
Reactivating Past Trauma
Regina Collins is a licensed professional counselor based in Alexandria, Virginia, who specializes in working with narcissistic abuse trauma. Many of her clients come to her having been retraumatized by therapists who don’t understand narcissism or narcissistic family dynamics. “Clients often bring up the fact that they feel ‘crazy’ because their experiences were questioned or negated outright by clinicians who don’t understand the behavior patterns of narcissists. This invalidation by someone who is supposed to be safe and trustworthy often mirrors the gaslighting that was experienced in their family of origin,” explained Collins.
Collins pointed out the potentially devastating ‘”forgive and forget” line of advice from unqualified mental health workers: “One of the most distressing issues people have identified is dealing with the clinician who pushes them to ‘forgive’ their parents and continue to have contact, even if it does not feel safe to the client. Numerous clients have shared with me that they were urged to ‘preserve the family’ and continue to see the parents even though the costs were high and benefits few, if any. As clinicians it is our place to support clients as they make their own decisions about contact. We shouldn’t judge clients if they determine that ‘no contact’ is safest for them.”
The Risk of New Injury
Psychotherapist and narcissism expert Julie Tenenberg, practicing in Oakland, California, also emphasized the importance of working with a properly educated therapist. “I’ve had a number of narcissistically abused people come to me who have seen a therapist who has unconsciously reinjured them. The damage of the wrong therapy is new trauma, not just reactivating old trauma,” said Tenenberg. “This population is manifesting shame, guilt, self-neglect, and physical symptoms of trauma. They need a witness who is sensitive, not critical or dismissive. Then need someone who will not reenact the narcissistic response.”
Referral Network of Trained Therapists
Karyl McBride, a psychologist and author specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, encourages adult children of narcissists to vet their mental health providers to make sure they are conversant with narcissism and related trauma. “If the therapist does not understand the dynamics of narcissism and its debilitating effects, it is easy for them to encourage the ‘get over it already, the past is the past’ mentality. When they do this, they are not validating the feelings of the client and the childhood issues are deeply minimized and discounted,” she explained. McBride has created a referral network of therapists who specialize in working with such clients.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free coming December 3, 2019, from Hachette Books. Preorder your copy now.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching for clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Burden of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Narcissistic Family Scapegoat
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
Image courtesy of frankieleon, Creative Commons.
View Comments (32)
Julie, thank you so, so much for this. I hold hope that as more people speak out on this difficult and complex topic, others will gain insight about their experiences and seek much-needed support. Scapegoats are targeted not for their weakness but rather their strength, as they are the ones who see clearly what is really behind the curtain and are willing to speak the unvarnished truth. Thank you for your bravery.
Thank you Regina, for your important work as a clinician and for your willingness to speak (eloquently) for this article. Indeed family scapegoats, who are so often denigrated and even brutalized into shame and self-doubt, are the strong ones. May the scapegoats escape and become stout-footed mountain goats with a view far and wide!
When I read these things it is both comforting and sickening. At 53, I realize it is not my fault but also morn for the childhood I did not have. I try to speak to my parents about it, as my brother was also abusive golden child. I keep trying but cannot do it any longer. On the rare family gathering, my brother will not even look at me. He abused me terribly as kids. If I try to talk to my family, I am told, "We are not going to talk about family" I have been through 2 failed marriages and have trouble bonding with people.
On the flip side, I decided to stop the pain. I have a healthy relationship with my teenage daughter and will not put her through the emotional abuse. I have a successful career. I am in business so maybe the empath in me sees when a wolf arrives in sheep clothes.
At the same time, I try so hard for the world to be fair. Surprised I have survived so long. I credit my daughter. If not for her, I would not care. I am determined to give her a good life and be the mother I wish I would have had.
My heart hurts every day. I do not know where to start to heal.
For so many of us doing right by our kids and breaking the cycle there is a powerfully healing experience. It sounds like you're well on your way. And acknowledging that we can't change our families of origin and allowing ourselves to mourn and feel the hurt are huge steps toward letting go of the past and moving away from the pain.
i feel for you, and i feel you. your heart is still walked all over by your family. to literally go no contact would allow you to begin to discern life in ways you cant yet imagine. you are too busy, you dont want to talk to them anymore, or simply nothing at all. dont be afraid to tell them a little lie, that you are busy... and see how they react... it may show help you go no contact, to see from a different angle how much they really are not the sort of people you can build with, or feel great around. from there, the decision would be easier. other than NC, i cant say i EVER found anyway at all, to improve the downward effect of contact with my family. if you want to attempt introspection, technically you lend them one of your lead souls, and they then use it for themselves. the soul is yours, you can command it back to you, and it being not with you, is why you feel bad. i think youre doing great though! you have come very far and have gone the distance to be a better person... cant ask for more, really... so maybe it really is time to... be busier than you have time to share with THEM, those who dont want you to do well
I'm so glad there are some therapists focusing on damage by narcissists! About time!! Not only have I had bad experiences with therapists in this area, but so have many of my readers. There is such a great need for therapists who specialize in this area.
I have a question though- how can a good therapist who understands NPD be found?
Thanks for writing, Cynthia. I mention a therapy network of clinicians trained in this issue in the last paragraph of the article. It's a live link.
Julia,
Thank you for this article. For twenty plus years, after I realized just how badly my parents treated me (they weren't violent, oh, they were too smart for that, but they did everything that they could to demean my character and question my intelligence. It got to the point where I was playing a recording in my own head that I was worthless.) I tried my darndest to find a therapist who would listen, who wouldn't speak in platitudes of "they were trying their best." But I couldn't. And at 46, I don't have time any more for dealing with a therapist who won't take the time to actually listen, my dad passed away in 2009 from a heart-attack and you know what they say about genetics. So I turned to photography - it is the one therapy that I have (like you, I turned to wildlife/landscapes) to help me heal (it's the one thing that I find that I do well; I could never find anything else that I could excel at) and I find that I enjoy my solitude.
What I would like to know is how photography entered your life and how it has helped you? I find that I'm obsessively focused on photography and improving myself at it; it's as if I'm grasping for something to prove, maybe anything to prove that I'm a worthwhile human being to my mother (who in any case isn't listening). Perhaps, a sense of commonality may help me to not be so obsessive about this and find some enjoyment in viewing the world through my own unique eyes.
Would love to hear your point of view.
Hi Haruo. I'm sorry you've had negative experiences with therapists (and parents!). I also have had negating experiences with therapists but was lucky enough to find one who did understand narcissism. Of course by then I had figured out a lot on my own. As for photography, I think it's great that you're doing it. Do it for you, because you love it, not for your mother. Keep doing it and keep getting better at it. That's hugely worthwhile in itself. It's your life; you don't need to prove anything any more than the next person. For me photography was a natural because I've always been a poet, and photos are like poems. I also love animals and the natural world, and photography is a way to connect and engage with that love. I did photojournalism for my reporting work, so I got into the habit of having a camera around, but the subject matter I love the most is wildlife. I like the beautiful shot, but I find a lot of wildlife photography overstylized, idealized. I like the more true, raw stuff--the mangy wolves, the tired bison in the snow. I'm interested in the real, lived lives.
I love your writing style. When's your memoir coming out?
Thank you Aleta, and thanks for asking about my memoir, Carry You. Currently I'm shopping it around with agents. I will certainly let people know on the website when it's due out and how to purchase it. People interested in updates can subscribe to the blog (The Narcissist Family Files) for free.
Enjoyed this article as its really hit the nail on the head. 'Ordinary' therapists don't get it & have felt more humiliated by them. I'm an adult child, 2 yr's NC struggle with holding down a job, can't maintain a relationship (or feel love) & feel completely stuck but cannot find any specific support for this syndrome here in UK. Grateful for any info contacts in uk, many thanks
Thanks for writing Kim. The magazine Psychology Today also provides therapist referral information, so you might try looking there to find someone near you. I wish you well.
I work in the mental health field and I see many people struggling from narcissistic abuse. I myself am a survivor of 14 years of narcissistic marriage. I can understand how my client feels and can validate; but I worry that I'm not giving all they need to recover. How would I be able to get the education needed to help them find their way to recovery?
Dr. Karyl McBride offers training workshops for mental health professionals in dealing with narcissistic abuse issues. Here is a link with the info: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/workshop-overview-therapist-training/
Back when they were in control, my mother shopped for therapists. She bounced me from one to the next until she found one that didn't want to speak to my father as well, who would diagnose me with something suitably terrible she could focus on instead of his abuse. She eventually found one that thought homeopathy and yeast medication was a suitable substitute for calling CPS (and antidepressants, not that those were the cure anyways) Makes me wonder if any of the others had even heard of Munchhausen by Proxy. Mental health professionals need to be really, really careful to watch that they aren't being used this way, I still have a hard time even thinking about seeing one to work through this.
I hear you. To this day, despite so much talk of narcissism, the vast majority of mental health workers still receive little to no training about NPD and its traumatic effect on others, especially children. Your best hope is to find someone with personal experience with NPD, which is a crap shoot.
I can't afford one, period.
Yet, in under two years, after reading dozens of books, watching hundreds of You Tube videos, reading innumerable articles, and spending a shit-ton amount of time thinking and meditating and paying attention, I've made inroads that parallel what I've been told to expect with therapy.
I'm gonna keep going.
There are good resources and certainly alternatives to therapy that are very effective. Glad you're on the healing road.