Published on The Huffington Post 3/16/17 9:38 p.m. ET. It’s not nice to call names. But when it comes to narcissists, calling them out is really a matter of survival for those dealing with their abuse, as well as for those who don’t understand the profound harm they do. All narcissists wear a mask, or false persona. And when you strip away the narcissist mask you find weakness and vulnerability that would be pitiable if it weren’t so astonishingly vicious.
The Narcissist Mask
But chances are you won’t ever remove the narcissist mask, because s/he defends it at all costs with a full arsenal of preemptive controlling tactics. Whether overvalued with excessive praise and indulgence or undervalued with neglect and/or abuse (or an impossible combination of those parenting styles), the child who takes on a narcissistic adaptation misses key developmental milestones of secure identity formation and empathy. As an adult, the narcissist is in essence an emotionally stunted child with an adult savvy for ruthless manipulating. The narcissist’s mask is what s/he wears to assert a face of superiority and entitlement to protect her-/himself from intolerable feelings of invalidation.
The Narcissist Bully
Narcissists are classic bullies. They ambush, attack without cause, and prey on the most vulnerable within their grasp, often those who love and depend on them, namely their spouse and children, who as a result carry lasting emotional and physiological trauma.
Narcissists also abuse employees, coworkers, susceptible friends, and “underlings” such as waiters and clerks. Exploiting their power over others in any way possible feeds their endless need to feel superior, and their lack of empathy gives them free range to abuse without the troubling hindrance of a conscience.
The Narcissist Coward
Many of us come out of invalidating (sometimes severely) home environments, but we do not become compassionless abusers. Narcissists are cowards who are fundamentally terrified of themselves and anyone who might see through their mask. Their driving motivation in life is to shield themselves from threatening emotions that trigger their deep-seated sense of inferiority.
Often narcissists strike and run, initiating surprise attacks and retreating before being confronted with the consequences of their rage. They also may behave passive-aggressively, cloaking their rage in self-pitying performances meant to induce guilt and blame.
Whatever hurtful tactics they use, narcissists rarely if ever take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they are masterful at denying and projecting their abuse onto others, most often those they have abused, further exacerbating the harm they do.
The Narcissist Liar
The narcissist mask is a lie designed to protect her/him from shame and self-hatred. Again, this feels like a pity plea moment, and indeed pity for narcissists is understandable, but it is dangerous territory that often leads those already victimized into a position for further abuse.
Narcissists are liars who continuously attempt to control others’ perceptions of them and, when they can’t, resort to nasty, often violent reprisal. The narcissist may cast her-/himself as a highly principled person, but in reality s/he is only concerned with her/his own needs and is too weak to face life’s truths, especially those that threaten her/his defenses. S/he may talk a good game, but when it comes to the truth, s/he stonewalls, blames and shames others, and deflects accountability.
The narcissistic mother may, for example, rage at her son for getting an A- grade instead of an A, because she feels threatened by her son’s academic success, she is angry about a fight she had with her spouse, or she is projecting a self-centered expectation of perfection onto him.
The Narcissist Fraud
Narcissists are by nature frauds who lie, exaggerate, and brag about themselves and denigrate others to bolster their image. They hate themselves but hate others even more, and everything they do is in service of asserting a superior face no matter what reality exists inside themselves or within their family.
A dictionary definition of fraud is
a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.
Narcissists are classic frauds—at love, parenting, friendship, and any other important relationship in life. Because they lack the ability to empathize with others’ experiences and emotions, narcissists are incapable of authentic intimacy or selfless giving.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Burden of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Narcissistic Family Scapegoat
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
Image courtesy of Tony Webster, Creative Commons.
View Comments (8)
You just described every guy I've ever had a relationship with; except one. He was psychotic. I'm done. I'm sticking to my friends and my pets.
Not cool to require name
Wow!!! I've been reading for years on narcissism to understand my toxic relationship with my mother and my entire family system and this phenomenal post - and the synonym "fraud" - is like a massive light bulb going off!!! yeah. Thank you!
You're welcome!
Fraud....hmmm...imagine someone who claims to have psychic powers, served in the reserves but talked as if he went to war, exaggerated some rather modest accomplishments in a career that consisted largely of job hopping ...think he might be a narcissist?
My stepfather fits the perfect model of a narcissist. He yells and treats others with hateful rage and contempt. Whenever i bring up the subject of prayer, he gets upset, and tells me not to pray for him. He then tells me that we're NOT supposed to pray for each other. I told him WE ARE supposed to pray for each other. He IS a classic Narcissist. He's right, and everybody else is wrong. He takes care of my mother who is really frail and weak physically. I'm afraid to be in the same room with him when i go over there to visit.I'm marrief, and live with my wife. I can't even go over there where she lives with him because i feel really "nervous and tense" when i'm over there.I really need to see my mother though. She turned 86 this past August 8th. Please tell me what should i do? Have a blessed day. Sincerely, Michael
After five years of her bad behavior, and then to hailher becoming physically violent, she went to jail for felony spouse abuse. Two months later she got out of jail and she couldn't come back to my apartment because she was taken off my lease by Housing Authority. She met a stranger who took her in and one month later she is back in jail for first degree murder. She beat that stranger to death with a metal pipe
You describe my mother. All my life she has made promises and then when it was a tiny bit inconvenient backed out and called me greedy or demanding or whatever. I tell her: if you can't or don't want to do something tell me. I will do it myself or find another way. But her response is always verbal put downs. It is my fault or it is fault of my girlfriend or something. Most the time the attack is directed to me. I have never in my life heard her take responsibility. She puts on a good show. Always the "loving mother" but once she told me to bash my head to the wall until I die so I don't bother her. What a loving mother. She turned my brothers against me. I am gone and wish to never be in touch with her.
Just today she made a promise I know she will never keep. I begged her to not give me false hope. When caught she says they are "white lies" and the "leave me alone". Why does she need to promise when I never asked for it? I am happy to do the job myself. Or not do something at all. She is never physically violent. But the psychological torture is too much. If I try to tell her how I feel she immediately has something important to do. Mom is so "pure" that told me she is "blessed" and I am "not". I make no claim of being blessed. The only blessing I got was once in a church and that is it. Not by God rather by a priest. How does she know she is "blessed". Then tells me that I just want her approval. I never ask for approval from her. I know healing is not possible for me but I can let the wounds scab over and forget them. It is just hard to cut off but I must do it.
My stepfather fits the correct version of a narcissist. He yells and treats others with hateful rage and contempt. on every occasion i carry up the situation of prayer, he gets upset, and tells me not to pray for him. He then tells me that we’re not presupposed to pray for each other. I advised him we are supposed to pray for every other. he is a conventional Narcissist. He’s right, and every person else is wrong. He takes care of my mom who is genuinely frail and vulnerable bodily. I’m afraid to be inside the same room with him once I move over there to visit.I’m marrief, and stay with my wife. i can’t even move over there in which she lives with him because i feel truely “frightened and hectic” when I’m over there.I really want to peer my mom although. She became 86 this past August eighth. Please tell me what ought to i do? Have a blessed day. in reality, Michael