There is nearly always someone enabling the narcissist. Being fundamentally dependent on others for the self-assurance and definition they lack, narcissists don’t get very far without enablers. An enabler supports the narcissist’s insistence on control, inflated persona, exaggerated entitlement, and abusive behavior by

  • unquestionably accepting their delusions and lies,
  • not standing up to their abuse,
  • hiding or cleaning up their messes,
  • shielding them from consequences,
  • acting as an apologist for them, and
  • blaming others for their behavior.

The Enabler’s Delusions

Narcissists usually have enablers in their family, such as a partner, parent, child, and/or sibling. They may also have enabling friends, coworkers or employees, and other members of their social network. People become enablers of narcissists for different reasons, from misguided caregiving, to self-doubt, to fear, to a desire for power. Often they become enablers gradually without understanding their situation. A narcissist’s partner in particular may feel confused by gaslighting messages, believing some or all of the following:

  1. I am causing them to act this way.
  2. I am the unfair/angry/cruel one.
  3. If I weren’t so stupid/selfish/needy/unattractive they would love me.
  4. They don’t really mean to hurt me/the kids.
  5. Deep down they love me/us but don’t know how to show it.
  6. All relationships are difficult like this.
  7. Things will get better when we get married/have kids.
  8. If I change, they will be happy with me.
  9. If I am more loving/lovable they will stop acting so angry.
  10. If our children act/do better, they will be happy with us.

Oftentimes enablers see abusive dynamics in a relationship as normal because they grew up with demanding, selfish, neglectful, or abusive parents. Enablers of narcissists may come from narcissistic homes or other environments in which they learned to subjugate their needs and feelings, such as with an alcoholic parent.

Enablers may delude themselves into thinking that they alone can understand and fulfill their difficult but special partner. They may see their partner as somehow a great catch and believe they need to do extra work to keep them. Perhaps their partner feels a bit out of their league—more intelligent, good looking, charming, educated, wealthy, or successful than they are and therefore worth the high maintenance they need to do. Similarly, a narcissist’s favored and enmeshed child may be under the delusion that they are the only one who can manage that parent’s happiness. Such children often construct their identity around the demands of the parent, constantly working to please and appease.

No Way Out

Frequently, enabling partners of narcissists stay in their relationships even when they realize they are being abused because they don’t see a way out. Their abusive mate is likely to have undermined their independence and support network by

  • eroding their self-confidence,
  • burdening them with excessive responsibilities and problems,
  • isolating them from family and friends,
  • controlling/draining their finances,
  • alienating them from their children,
  • threatening to leave them with nothing if they leave,
  • threatening to physically harm them or others they care about if they leave, and/or
  • threatening to self-harm or commit suicide if they leave.

The Enabling Covert Narcissist

In some cases an enabler may be a covert narcissist impressed with the apparent confidence or success of a more overt narcissist. Such an enabler may admire the other narcissist and feed their self-esteem and identity by living vicariously through that partner. Or the more covert narcissist may get sympathy for managing the overt narcissist’s difficult and selfish personality. In such a relationship the narcissistic enabler may present themself as the long-suffering good, kind, loyal, patient, reasonable victim who deserves better but below the surface is just as self-centered and exploitive as their counterpart. As parents, narcissistic partners enable each other by overlooking and/or supporting their negligent and abusive behavior toward their children.

Trauma Bonding

Typically a narcissist manipulates an enabler through alternating abuse and special treatment. The enabler falls into a pattern of avoiding attack while also seeking rewards such as affection, praise, sex, or money. In this dynamic the enabler experiences trauma bonding with the abusive narcissist, becoming emotionally and physically addicted to the roller-coaster of positive and negative reinforcement.

Enablers Versus Flying Monkeys 

“Flying monkeys” are enablers who also perpetrate the narcissist’s abuse on targeted victims. Like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, they assist in the narcissist’s dirty work and carry out abuse by proxy. Often children or other relatives in the narcissistic family, flying monkeys may be narcissistic themselves. There is a fine line between enabling and acting as a flying monkey. Often enablers cross that line to avoid being targeted themselves or because they are invested in believing the delusions and lies that justify the narcissist’s abuse of others, particularly scapegoated children. For such children, the betrayal of the enabling parent may be harder to accept and forgive than that of the narcissist because the enabler is the “safe” parent who should know better.

Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.  

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Image courtesy of John LeMasney.

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