Why does it seem that narcissists get worse with age?
Aging is hard. Losing our vitality and facing our mortality can be scary and painful. But we discover upsides, like reaping the fruits of our personal and professional labors, recognizing our core values and releasing shallow pursuits, and enjoying long-term connections with family and friends. But for the narcissistic personality, gratitude is difficult and aging tends to heighten feelings of vulnerability, fear, and rage.
Bitterness
Instead of maturing, mellowing, and gaining wisdom, narcissists, unless helped with treatment (which is unusual), remain emotionally stunted children whose deficient empathy and self-centered neediness intensify with aging. They view growing old as a series of ravaging defeats that they struggle against with denial and resentment or submit to with depressed resignation.
Having relied heavily on externalities such as their looks, wealth, fame, connections, or professional achievements to fortify their fragile self-esteem, older narcissists find themselves increasingly stripped of their defenses and diminished in their ability to charm, impress, bully, manipulate, and otherwise control others. Since narcissists nearly always refuse to take responsibility for their actions or circumstances, they grow bitter and feel victimized by life, blaming others for their disappointments.
Going to Extremes
Narcissists tend to age into extreme versions of their worst selves. And when dementia comes into the picture, it often exacerbates matters. As narcissists get worse with age, they become more
- desperate,
- deluded,
- isolated,
- paranoid,
- defensive,
- bitter,
- angry,
- rigid,
- mean, and
- abusive.
Isolation
Because of narcissists’ lack of compassion and their antagonism, as they age their relationships and friendships often falter or fail, leaving them lonely and isolated:
- Spouses may have left or withdrawn to avoid their criticism and combativeness.
- Adult children may have pulled away or cut contact altogether because of their toxic influence.
- Their grandchildren may be estranged from them because their adult children have asserted boundaries to protect their families.
- Friends may have pulled away because of their unmasked arrogance, selfishness, and envy.
- Neighbors and other community members may have rejected them because of their callous behavior and rude assertions of superiority and entitlement.
- Extended family may have excluded them because of their divisiveness.
Bigotry
As their personal power fades and their social sphere narrows, narcissists are more likely to look for scapegoats anywhere they can. Their increasingly desperate grandiose delusions often bring out bigotry and assertions of superiority over marginalized people, including other old people. Aging narcissists often express ageism, sexism, racism, and queerphobia to bolster themselves against their feelings of lost power over others.
Find strategies for managing aging narcissistic parents/partners in Julie’s new book The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Listen to Julie being interviewed about the narcissistic family on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
- Decoding the True Narcissist: 7 Definitive Traits Explained
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It’s Not Your Fault
- Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Dilemma of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
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View Comments (39)
Thank you, Julia. Your valuable articles continue to provide clues to understanding my own family experiences.
I'm so glad you're finding them helpful.
My mother, who is 81 years old has never given me a compliment in her entire life. Fact. When I was a young girl, my hair was cut short, (golden girl sis had long hair). Ok, moving to the teenage years. Not bought a bra, sanitary protection, not allowed make-up, not allowed friends home, no birth-day parties, not allowed to study what I wanted, had to get a job to 'pay your way my-girl' - got job and within minutes of hearing that I had said job, then rushed out to work out what percentage of my wages I had to give her. I have never had one conversation with my mother. Not then, not now not ever. I am 52 years old. This woman has tried to kill me three times. I am not kidding. Told, by her, at the age of 14 that she 'threw me against a wall as a baby - but you bounced' - wtf?????? and when I stood up to her, and her tyranny (coz that is what it is) has tried to strangle me. Once, when my sister who is to years younger than me - sat and watched her do it, as I had challenged the utter rubbish my mother was filling my sisters head with.......It truly never ever ends. She tried to convince my daughter (who was 20 at the time), that I was born evil - and had a bitter and twisted mind. My sister agrees with her. I am no contact now with these two vipers - who sadly call themselves Christian's. till in pain though, at the injustice and the downright lies these two women are happy to engage in. Hugs to you all.....Oh one more thing about my 81 year old mother's vanity. She had bought new glasses, popped them on and said - oooh I can see all your wrinkles,,,,,,, I am 30 years younger than her, and in very good shape........what a ridiculous old hag she is.........lol.x
Julia, I am so sorry. You had it far worse than I did. I was beaten badly, raped at five, and beaten some more, but I would rather have that than what you went through. I had my DNA done and I have a confirmed surname of Hall. I wonder if we are related. Read "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward with Craig Buck, an oldie but goodie, and realize that your mother and sister are toxic and you need to stay far, far away from them. It's hard to renounce your family, but if you can do it, you'll be better for it!
So sorry Teresa. You are in good company.
Wow! This is my 70 y.o. narc that you describe. The 'gettin worse with age' is the reason I finally left; but it only makes him worse. Divorcing a narc seems impossible (at least in California). Do you have any articles on this topic?
Yes, divorcing a narcissist is usually a nightmare. They make it that way, even when they do the leaving. I've written about handling coparenting with a narc ex but not divorcing one.
This post is a perfect description of my NMIL the last 4 months since she moved into an assisted living facility with her co-dependent spouse. It was her choice to move. My husband (scapegoat) and I have fretted about why she can't make the adjustment, what we can suggest or do from 3 hours away or during our infrequent visits. You just gave us the answer. Nothing. Nothing will make her happy. You said it all in your headings...bitterness, isolation, and going to extremes. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head.
Just found your article in Huffington Post. Raised by Narc father and enabling mom. Married a Malignant Narc and thankfully got out quickly. 62 years old and finally seeing my life clearly and starting the healing process. I've done ALOT of reading about this subject. Your clear and precise explanation of this brain disorder is far and away the best. Thank you so much. Keep up the good work!
I will try to make it short. Married at 25 with a professional degree. Married the girl of my dreams so I thought. Been married for 50 years. Yes 50 years, Been able to put up with her subtle narcissistic behavior until about 5 years ago when she began embarrassing me in public, telling unbelievable lies, disparaging a recent professional award that I received and attempted to turn my children against me. I am a very strong person who has recovered from colon cancer and am stabilized with bipolar disorder. No way is she going to do me in! I AM STRONG!!
I am so sorry to hear this. It's a shame you cannot be sharing your life's work of awards and time together for such length in joy or at least satisfaction without such bizarre behavior and defamation.
Baffling creatures they are.
Wow. This is my father. He is in his 70s and had a spike in physical violence last year. I am 25. He's been abusive my whole life, but last year he choked me and kicked me down a flight of stairs. Since then, I have been no contact but he still tries to do little manipulative things to get me back into his web when I visit my mom (they are unfortunately still married which makes me so sad and angry!!). He'll give me presents and compliment me on my body (weird), but even in his compliments, he will insult my other sisters (glad you're not fat like so-and-so). Although he is married to my mother, she barely speaks to him and he spends the majority of his time isolated in his bedroom (they have separate bedrooms). He is a flaming bigot and takes any chance he gets to express his disdain for marginalized people.
I came on this page because I actually dated a 25 year old narcissist for years. We broke up four months ago, but I guess I am still curious about how his story will end and what he will become in the future. I can't wait until I no longer care about things like that. Wishing you all much self-love, compassion, and joy on your journey. The best thing to do with these creatures is compassionately ignore them!