Like spitting nail guns spinning loose, narcissist parents are hurt machines, creating havoc and damage in the lives of their children.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
To understand how and why narcissist parents hurt their kids, one needs to understand narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A person with NPD experiences disrupted attachment and a formative sense of invalidation when young (“narcissistic injury”), typically involving parental neglect, abuse, overvaluation, or a complex combination of these conditions. For example, a child who forms a narcissistic adaptation may experience rejection by one parent and smothering indulgence by another.
Whatever the cause, the child fails to form a resilient sense of identity and self-esteem and overcompensates by adopting a larger-than-life persona, which becomes entrenched by adulthood. Often narcissists are relatively unaware of the self-contempt that drives their behavior, unless and until a destabilizing event occurs, such as losing a relationship or job.
The Narcissist’s Children Are Most Vulnerable to Abuse
Although spouses often suffer excruciatingly, narcissists’ children are most vulnerable to their abuse because they are
- dependent on them for their emotional and physical survival;
- reliant on them as models for identity formation; and
- relatively helpless targets.
Narcissists are obsessive students of psychological warfare, and they have an arsenal of weapons at the ready. Lacking empathy, they do not follow basic rules of fairness and reciprocity in their relationships, often especially with their children.
To support their persona of superiority and entitlement, narcissist parents use the following tactics to “win” in their ceaseless game of controlling and besting others:
- criticism
- blame
- projection
- lies
- terror
- gaslighting
- violating boundaries
They also use what may appear on the surface to be “positive” tactics:
- idealization
- flattery
- excessive attention
- seduction
- sexualization
- idolized projection
- exaggerated praise
Golden and Scapegoat Children
The golden child is the engulfed “favorite” whose strengths and successes are celebrated and failings overlooked or blamed on the scapegoat. Often the golden child is a projection of what narcissist parents want to believe about themselves—an idealized mirror image controlled and manipulated into compliance.
The scapegoat, by contrast, can do nothing right. As the receptacle of blame for the problems of the family, this child is targeted with criticism, ridicule, and rage. No matter how hard the scapegoat tries or how capable s/he is, it is rarely good enough.
Both roles in the narcissistic family are damaging false identities that deny and negate the child’s authentic self and lead to complex trauma that can last a lifetime.
The Golden Child’s Hurt
The narcissist parent’s favored child is above reproach, idolized and shielded from derision, blame, and other abuses. The golden child represents the parent’s hopes and dreams and is expected to reflect back his/her idealized self no matter how authentic it feels to that child. Often the golden child is given special privileges, as well as exemptions from responsibilities the other children are expected to manage. Family members must accept the golden child’s elevated status in the hierarchy of home.
Narcissist parents charge a high price for their favoritism: enmeshment and isolation. The narcissist “owns” her/his golden child and demands compliance and loyalty. If that child attempts to break away from the narcissist’s control and/or form relationships of her/his own, s/he faces a battalion of punishments, from guilt trips to judgment, rejection to abandonment, or worse.
Beyond the narcissist’s grasp, the golden child’s most difficult challenges are establishing a separate identity, healthy independence, and an appropriate sense of self-importance and humility in the scheme of things. Life’s realities are likely to run interference with this child’s confusing mix of arrogance and instilled helplessness. S/he may struggle with the cognitive dissonance of having felt her/his status was unearned or having others view her/him as ordinary when s/he has been told s/he is extraordinary.
The golden child’s ability to assert boundaries with the narcissist parent and form her/his own intimate relationships require a willingness to examine the family dysfunction and break from her/his prescribed role.
The Scapegoat’s Hurt
As the family target, the scapegoat has it hardest, at least on the surface. Narcissist parents project their self-loathing onto the scapegoat and blame her/him for family problems and disappointments. This child is often given unreasonable responsibilities while also experiencing extreme forms of neglect.
The child burdened with this role is typically targeted because s/he is most aware of the parent’s shortcomings and/or confrontational about the family dysfunction. This child may rebel against the family system and/or attempt to defend and protect other family members from abuse. The narcissist parent views the child’s awareness and strength as threats to be shut down with rage, gaslighting, and smear campaigns to extended family and social circles.
Like the golden child’s, the scapegoat’s identity is distorted by the narcissist parent’s false projections. The scapegoat’s challenge is to believe in her/his own perceptions and truths—no small matter for someone who has been systematically undermined. This means dissecting the narcissistic family system, recognizing the family’s cruelties and lies, and nurturing the self who was never properly loved. The scapegoat’s liabilities in the narcissistic family are also some of her/his best assets. As a questioner, fighter, and outlier, she is a survivor with the insight and grit to find a way out.
The Path to Healing
For both the golden child and scapegoat, breaking the narcissistic family cycle is the path to healing. Replicating similar dynamics in their adult relationships is common and difficult to avoid. Often it takes repeating unhealthy patterns to begin to understand them and seek out truly nurturing friends and partners. As parents, adult children of narcissists have the opportunity to achieve healing through giving the kind of unconditional love they did not receive in their family of origin.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It’s Not Your Fault
- Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Burden of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Narcissistic Family Scapegoat
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
Featured image courtesy of keep_bitcoin_real, Creative Commons.
View Comments (23)
Wow! As a scapegoat to a severely wounded narcissist mother who failed to protect me from a sexually abusive father, I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH for taking the time and effort to write your articles!!! The level of understanding and VALIDATION (finally!) that your writings have offered to help me accept that my perceptions were not a sign of delusional thinking, nor that I am mentally ill. I can see now that my adaptations of isolating myself from my family were an understandable and healthy reaction to a very unhealthy situation. THANK YOU!!!
I'm so very sorry about your experiences with your parents. I'm happy to know that my writings have been validating for you. One of the worst aspects of growing up in such an environment is the denial and invalidation you experience alongside the abuse. Knowing it's their crazy and not yours and that others have gone through it too is empowering. Best wishes to you.
I have an 18 year daughter and 20 year old son their mother and I have not been together for the last 15 years.. My therapist of the last 6 years believes she is totally narcissistic.. my son has moved out of her house stating that if life is what she represents he prefers to stand in front of a train.. he lives with me... although I have been best daddy ever to both of my children, I'm having a hard time talking to my daughter about the mothers behavior and long lasting injury... oh I'm the scapegoat in this situation.. I have never been able to reason with her as the old broken record starts the loop poor, me poor me.. me! me! I, I..
Q. how can I get through to my daughter
Lou
Hi Lou. I'm not a therapist, so my opinion is just that, opinion, based on the little you've told me about your situation. You may need to accept that you can't get through to your daughter right now. She probably feels confused and caught in the middle. She naturally wants her mother's love, even if her mother is incapable of it, and it may take your daughter time and more maturity to come around to seeing that. Figuring out and accepting that a parent is a narcissist is a profoundly difficult thing for a child, especially since she probably particularly identifies with her mother as the female parent, and your ex has probably laid a big brainwashing number on her. The fact that your son has clarity about the situation is a very encouraging sign. I would keep being the best father you can be, not disparage your ex in front of your daughter, and give it more time. If your daughter comes to you about your ex, you may be able to begin the conversation, carefully, about narcissism.
Thank you very much Ms Hall... it's just so painfully to see and I had hoped that when 18th bd came along I could be more open about it... Is there a book out there that I can give my daughter for Christmas...?
Lou
Hi Lou. I wish I could tell you the books are published and ready for purchase, but I'm still working on it. I will certainly make an announcement when they are. Merry Christmas.
Julie
I was the scapegoat in my dysfunctional family. Then I married a covert narcissist who turned out exactly like my narcissist mother. I chose this guy because he was the exact opposite of my outgoing, intelligent, sociable and popular father. He left our family when I was still one year old - that was the time they separated. But there have been many reconciliations then separations. My husband is dull and no personality, not bright and not talented, I thought this plain personality would be more family oriented. What a surprise, he turned out to be manipulative, vindictive, constantly simmering in anger, passive aggressive, pathologically selfish to the detriment of our children and myself. 40 years of hell, divorce papers has just been filed. I am thankful that I was not the golden child, because that was our oldest sister and how miserable and destructive she has been to her children and her siblings. I am an empath and I can feel other people's pains. I will heal after this encounter with the covert narc. But what a painful and excruciating journey. I met my husband in a "church". The experience has left a bad taste in me regarding religion. But I have two wonderful, empathic sons who understand and supportive. They are definitely not like their father because the father never spent time with them and the few instances they had with them most of the time end up a disaster. The father always accuse them of being disrespectful when my two sons correct his wrong information. He just can not engage in normal conversation. This article is most helpful, thank you.
My situation sounds very similar to yours. I only found out this “tired of living llife through someone else’s lies situation” reading ! (It has a name, Love fraud.. pathological lying and raging if you asked for honesty).... physical abuse too.....My life was about raising children, with a Mother’s unconfitional Love FIRST and foremost. All my life people said.... you care about everyone but “you”. I didn’t know how, nor did I want to. Thought I was born to be this way...a giver...Turned into both of my sons marrying covert narcissists and watching them and their sons )All Boys) ...sons tried so hard not t be “their father” now the children:
Manipulated, taught to lie and worship their Mothers. Yet refusal of responsibility for anything not involving their appearance or gain. I am watching one som, with a sick handicapped child die.for years now. After raising their sons from birth for 10 years..... Yet there is neglect about food, and control over Dr treatment (refusal of)
Now both parents are home and haven’t worked. They stopped paying mortgage and were almost homeless. The Domestic theft keeps her going, and one ASPD had a great boss but she robbed him. She gets away w it, through others empathy about their beautiful sick child.... My son was destroyed and couldn’t accept she doesn’t “Love”=her Mother is her partner ... and enforces ... it is only about “her” daughter..... God made little boys adore and protect their Mothets so now as preteens, its like I never existed ..... she is a victim... my son is wracked up, they sold and did drugs together for $... kept the children at risk... He is to blame. But they are “hostages... prisoners , In spiritual warfare. 2 dogs in crates let out (her rules) 15 minutes a day....went away m left them 2 days locked up. No remorse or guilt. Thete is NO help or laws protecting children of emotional or any abuse when its lied about and staged to “appear” ok. No proof, who would believe the Mother in Law . A Counsellor said it was “too late” and I could only “change me”. Maybe I need to write a book .. 3 generations, maybe 4, of narcissistic mothers. Hard to believe
Extreme emotionsl abuse n manipulation...guilt.
A couple times In the last 2 years... I have said to both Mothers: Why is it always about YOU. You aren’t the child ... they are.
Thought it was “me” ..... alone at 69. Dying of a broken heart for the little ones.
As my mother’s only child, I was the Golden Child until I would try to break free of her plans /expectations of me. Then I became the Scapegoat. This went on for years. I no longer have a relationship with my mother & my life is better for it. It is difficult & painful & definitely embarrassing, but necessary to live my life as I choose. This article pinpoints both sides of being raised by a narcissist.
Wow. My married boyfriend is a golden child. This describes his relationship with his parents perfectly. He was also sexually abused. I think he might be a narcissist himself the way he treats his wife and children while love bombing me.
The chaotic lives seem so unnecessary. My heart goes out to all that have been harmed. My life is a mess because of my ex-husband. His background is more easily noticeable as extremely narcissistic, though the more I study, I realize mine must have had some covert type narcissism traits. Regardless, my life is a mess from the years trying to escape from my ex and his bizarre behaviors.
Sally, I understand your therapist when stating you have to heal you... don't let the bad behaviors impact you. Melanie Tonia Evans has a good program to help.
I am seeking legal advice how to better my situation, though my difficulties, for the past 17 years, has been finding knowledgeable people or ones who truly want to help.
No one wants to get involved. Most are too afraid of liability or something. I cannot even get the Attorney General's Office to give any clear advice for child support modification.
I am warn out from seeking resolution for the past 18 years of hell.
It's so weird.
I think I was either a golden child or at the very least an enabler to my Nar Mum. Somehow in my early to mid 20s I started recognising the signs of unhealthyness within my relationship with my mum. Any attempt at establishing a life outside her control was met with sudden and all consuming health issues or emotional crisis that required me to drop everything and help her through it.
I started distancing myself from my mum not long after meeting my husband. It was unrelated other than finding a reason to assert my desire to my own life. I became extremely conscious at this time that any help I gave her, at the sacrifice of my own life, was not actually helping her in any way. It didn't make her better or move her forward - she just got to maintain her status quo of what she wanted.
The scapegoat of our family was my second youngest sister - she was always considered to be 'a lot like mum' though I don't like to tar her with the same brush. She was the rebel and the individual and one always pushing boundaries. Of course she was the scapegoat.
As I moved away from golden child/enabler to scapegoat territory myself, another of my sisters picked up my mantle. Previously living in limbo, getting neither positive or negative attention from our mum, she suddenly reveled in the feeling of being needed and wanted, while feeling a genuine empathy for the cruel way her sisters were treating their poor, vulnerable mother.
It's been 10 years since this shift in dynamics occurred. Once I had my own children and saw the beginnings of manipulation against me being nurtured, I cut ties permanently, not being willing to risk my child becoming a pawn. I still see my golden sister, struggling with the never ending burden of maintaining my mother's happiness, while dealing with her own family and life's normal struggles. She cannot understand that of 4 children, she is the only one who maintains any contact with our mother. She can't rationalise how we can be so cruel to an obviously unwell woman, who just wants to be loved by her family. She can't see how much she is being asked to give of herself and her family to meet her mother's unhealthy need for attention.
I feel guilty everyday for abandoning my mother. I worry I will regret everything one day. But deep down, I know that if I stepped back, I will end up hurting my husband and son. Because nothing can or will change. Stepping back means asking then to be drawn into her web. And I can't do that.
But I still feel guilty....
My ex husband is a narcissistic father. I didn't even know what narcissism was until we broke up and I started to attend counseling. I am struggling with co-parenting with my ex. I have 2 daughters 16 and 13. They are well aware of their dad (we have joint custody unfortunately) and his gaslighting and personality disorder. They struggle with him and constantly having to "talk to him a certain way" just so he doesn't threaten to disconnect phones, or not buy them things, or take them to dinner. It is such a sad reality for them. I struggle with what I read all the time about "don't get your kids involved, don't let them know what narcissism is" Well I feel that when they are here, I have a duty to be their safe place. I have a duty to tell them my experiences. I don't know if its right, if I'm hurting them more. I continually promote their relationship with their dad. I continually tell them "look I know dad is difficult, but he is your dad." Its destroying the girls though. My 16 year old is struggling with a very DEPENDENT relationship with her boyfriend..substance abuse, mental problems, major depression, my 13 year old doesn't want to go to her dads. She says its lonely, she can't stand his lying, she can't stand the "fake" life they lead their. I don't know what the right thing for me to say anymore!! I have tried to research this and I just don't find anything. Ugh.. I love reading your blog though!! I can relate so much on a personal level, as well as a parenting level!
Hi Jen. It's so painful when your kids are dealing with it. The thing is that they are involved, and you can't hide the reality from them, so I agree with your instinct to talk with them about it. What and how much to say really depends on their maturity level and the particular circumstances of the situation. Kids usually are our best guides of what they can handle. If you sign up to get emails (on my home page), you'll get an announcement when my book comes out next year. I feel there should be a book written to kids directly, but I'm finishing this one first!
thank you. thank you for actually making relatable literature on this subject because it's what keeps me sane. "As a questioner, fighter, and outlier, she is a survivor with the insight and grit to find a way out." as stuck with me for a while now, and it is what honestly keeps me going. but i do have a question for you- after reading your Strength in the Scapegoat article, i realized we have extreamly similar situations but the rules are reversed with your father and my mother. my only problem is that both of my parents and my brother do not buy into this whole narcissistic personality disorder with my mother. It drives me crazy, they just tell me to obey her and keep my mouth shut and I cannot do it anymore. I just would like your opinion on how I can educate the rest of my family to realize that we are unhappy and need to all work together to create a happy family dynamic
Is there a book for young children to read like a story. But it can show them the experiences their having. So it would be kind of educating them indirectly.