Narcissists are driven by underlying feelings of vulnerability and shame that they compensate for with self-aggrandizement. Having missed crucial developmental milestones in early childhood, including a secure sense of identity, resilient self-esteem, and an empathetic connection with others, narcissists in effect wall off their authentic self and rely on an inflated persona as a means of psycho-emotional survival.
The Top 4 Things the Narcissist Fears
1. Being Ordinary
Narcissists’ self-worth is built on the idea that they are special—more important, gifted, and deserving than others are. Children who become narcissistic internalize the belief that acceptance and love are conditional, based on adherence to the values, needs, and demands of their parents. They may have been elevated in the family hierarchy as special, and they believe that anything less than being special constitutes failure and reason for humiliation, rejection, and/or abandonment.
2. Being Vulnerable
Emotionally healthy people want to be seen for who they truly are and value intimacy with the important people in their lives. By contrast, narcissists deeply fear exposure and view the vulnerability that comes with intimacy as a threat. In a very real sense, they are strangers to themselves, working continuously to deny their vulnerabilities and repressed sense of shame by asserting control and superiority over others. The only thing more important than convincing themselves of their inflated self-importance is convincing others of it. This is because their instability of self makes them highly dependent on people’s opinions and other external measures of self-worth. Thus narcissists habitually manipulate and coerce family members, friends, colleagues, and the like into supporting, if not believing, their superior entitlement and the narrative around it.
3. Being Humiliated
Being at once grandiose and hypersensitive, narcissists have unrealistic expectations and are threatened by even small slights that others would easily brush off. Feeling embarrassed or humiliated is painful for anyone, but narcissists are especially reactive to those emotions. To avoid such feelings, narcissists may preemptively humiliate people around them to gain the upper hand. And they compulsively compete, even about insignificant things, aligning with whatever markers of status are within reach, such as being more attractive or intelligent, getting the best service or bargain, or having more accomplished children or successful friends.
4. Being Rejected
Rejection in any form is the narcissist’s worst fear. Rejection triggers what they work each day to hide from others and from themselves: a sense of inferiority and unlovability. Narcissists experience any kind of rejection—personal, social, or professional—as intensely invalidating and destabilizing. While healthy people will pick themselves up and eventually try again after rejection, narcissists resort to all means of contorted rationalizing, hoovering, and bitter reprisal to regain a sense of control.
Typically, narcissists stage their lives to play the rejecting role and will attempt to discard others before they walk away first. But if rejected, they will utilize all their tactics, from guilt trips, to grand promises and seductions, to power maneuvers, to threats and revenge. The rejected narcissistic spouse, for example, may fight for child custody not because they care about the kids but as a way to, dominate, “win,” and hurt their ex.
Pity for the Narcissist?
Narcissists’ tragic insecurity would be sympathetic if not for their insatiable demands, stunning cruelties, and harsh disregard for other people’s feelings, boundaries, and life struggles.
For those of us who have narcissistic family members, feeling love and concern for them is normal. But it is vital to understand that narcissists will always put their needs above those of their family, including, most poignantly, the needs of their children.
Listen to Julie’s audio course “Understanding Narcissism” for free with code JULIE.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic trauma recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It’s Not Your Fault
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Burden of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Narcissistic Family Scapegoat
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
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- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
Images courtesy of dualdflipflop and cea +, CC.
View Comments (9)
Is there any way to contact you privately. I’m
Newly divorced from a narcissist ex husband who managed to find an even more damaged narcissistic/borderline woman to partner with. I have a 6 year old caught in the middle. I’m seeking guidance. Thank you for all your help and sharing.
i am in the EXACT same positition as Cheryl...my narc ex has filled for custody of our 6 year old (heart of GOLD) boy.. and i KNOW i have to protect him no one else will. and the COURTS will not see the damage for several more years that is man and is OVER BEARING mother will cause (he is 42)
I am not sure about "read the most books". My narcissist never read any books after college. Maybe one book. I always wondered at that. I believe it is because of two reasons: lack of emphathy, and arrogance. With no emphathy she could not understand the emotional messages of a novel. Arrogance is a stumbling block to the possibility that there is someone in the world who might know something she doesn't.
I was married to her for 35 years before I had enough and dumped her.
Love your articles! Thoughtful and well written.
I've been in therapy for the last 6 months. I've done everything that my therapist has suggested up to now, however, I see no way to be able to have a positive experience with my 80's something widowed mother, except to possibly meet her at a restaurant for dinner and even that is kind of an iffy, cause if the food doesn't meet her standards, she'll gripe about it. Is it possible to have positive experiences with a narcissist? If so, I need some ideas of what kind of activities I can do with her periodically.
I disengaged entirely from any narcissist ( family or not ) . Observe their behavior, do not react. That is the only joy experienced. The suffering, provoking and aggravating those who care and possess human emotions. Do not continue to care for these demons. They are sick and twisted . You are targeted because you are NOT. Get well, be well....GOD bless
Why "she"? I understand efficacy often needs a relatable gender, however studies (including this one https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7694907 ) show men are more in number and more malicious towards their ex. Also, women suffering from narcissistic abuse are often labeled the narcissist because they futilely try to point out the actual narcissist and lack the skills to *show* , and just want their children to be safe from a lifetime of codependence or becoming damaged themselves. Sad, really. Yes, there are bad parents out there who want to keep kids alienated because of control issues. Narcs however are fantastic liars and manipulators in court, often succeeding in inflicting a lifetime of emotional trauma and ruin possible future relationships by poisoning children's minds against the other parent, or even the whole gender of the other parent. I would warrant many mothers (and a few dad's) who are labeled as "alienating the dad" are in fact, scared, stripped of power, and just want their children safe in body and mind. But, that is not looked at. Ever. Only the 1-2% of women 'alienating the kids for money' are shown in Hollywood and media. I had to let go of my children to a narcissist even with 50/50 legal and 40/60 physical because of the mental damage he was and is doing to my kids. I did years of research beyond my own degree on Narcissism and parenting, and therapy, to find out this is more of a male infliction than women. And found that men will use articles with women engendered examples as "proof" to continue hurting the woman and kids. Ask me how I know.
May I suggest using a "they" gender neutral?
Amen Shel! So true! Narcs are Nothing but the biological children of their Father Satan The Devil! Evil to the core!
Great site! I'm learning so much...can't believe I fell into this nightmare.
I was married to on for 33 years. I wish someone had said something to me earlier. Between putting up with all the abuse , I was trying to please her . What happened was no respect, and no self respect. Whats worse is she blames me for everything and always will. And the grandchildren believe everything . Its so unfair. I was always kind to her after the divorce, but I found out she was still backstabbing me. The last family meet where she was there , I decided not to speak to her at all. It was much better. She doesn't deserve any vocabulary from me.