Published in The Huffington Post 2/27/2017 The narcissistic family scapegoat receives the brunt of the narcissist parents’ projected shame, rage, and unhappiness. It is a painful role but not without its own forms of redemption.
The Narcissistic Family Scapegoat
Narcissistic parents are well aware of who in their sphere is most manipulable and who is most independent-minded, and they often target the child who poses the greatest threat to the family narrative. Such a child is most apt to defend her-/himself and others, speak the truth, and fight for fairness within the cruel and corrupt family system.
The narcissistic family scapegoat feels the acute injustice of her/his role. It is confusing, maddening, and isolating, and it frequently carries with it emotional and physiological damage (CPTSD) that can last a lifetime. But the scapegoat’s position in the family may also reinforce that child’s strength, concern for justice, and compassion for others, all things that can serve her or him well as a survivor.
Scapegoat Traits
- Strong-willed
- Empathic
- Justice-seeking
- Internalizes blame
- Emotionally reactive
- Highly sensitive
- Protective of others
- Questions authority
- Care-taking
- “Different” in some way
The Biblical Scapegoat
The Old Testament‘s Leviticus 16 told of sacrificial “scapegoats” [see Ed Stetzer]. One goat was mortally sacrificed, while another was cast into the wilderness to carry away the sins of man, both to release humanity of its guilt, which is the biblical ceremony for Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). William Tyndale is believed to have coined the term “escape goat” in his 1530 English translation of The Bible, from the Hebrew version.
Redemption for the Narcissistic Family Scapegoat
Children of narcissists are trained to toe the family line and serve the needs of their disordered parents at great personal cost. Challenging the family system is considered a sacrilege, and it calls for a courageous commitment to the truth and a willingness to move away from home, figuratively and literally, into the wilderness of the world.
Although the strengths of the narcissistic family scapegoat make her/him a target, they are also her/his salvation. Scapegoats’ ability to see and question, along with their desire for justice, enable them to escape the family tyranny when others cannot. And their capacity for empathy, so unlike that of the grandiose and compassionless narcissist, gives them the ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships beyond their family of origin.
The (e)scapegoat’s redemption is breaking free.
Helpful? Buy me a coffee.Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Da Capo Lifelong/Hachette Books. She is working on a memoir about life and a few near-deaths in a narcissistic family.
Need help? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things About Narcissists Explained
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and They Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why and How Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
Images courtesy of Benjamin J. DeLong and Darklich14
23 Comments
❤
My narc mother always called me stubborn as a child. Of course, coming from her this was a criticism. Who would have thought that this trait would help to protect my soul from being completely devoured by my mom?
[…] Fuente: narcissisticfamilies.com […]
This article so closely describes my life and family that it’s as though the author has known us all.
It is uncanny how narcissistic family dynamics fit a template.
I thought the exact same. As if he were my Brother. The intensity of the horror that we have all lived through….all that pain…remains unbearable.
This is my life as a child. The roles were reversed between Mom and Dad, but describes it perfectly. I appreciate finding these types of things because it gives me language to describe what happened in my childhood, and that it is not my fault I had to cut off my family, but it was necessary for my emotional well-being.
Sending real love to you Megan ❤
Be well Megan.
My dad was the narc in my family of origin, my mom the enabler, my youngest brother the golden child, my middle brother the lost child. I being the oldest son was the scapegoat, and everything you describe is spot on. I clashed with my dad continually about his hypocrisy and self-centeredness, and took the punishment, protecting my mom and brothers. It shaped my world, causing me to see the world through the eyes of Don Quixote. There is nothing more satisfying than standing up to injustice, in whatever form it takes, but it takes courage to face the truth about oneself first. Jesus made it clear we must get right in our heart before we can impact others for good. Scapegoats are to bear the burdens of others, not give more suffering to them. Not as martyrs or victims, but humble warriors with the knowledge our lives were shaped early on to offer love in the place of shame and guilt.
Beautifully said.
Oh, how eloquently said.
Are there resources, research something for scapegoats to get past the trauma of this role in the family? It is so hard to live without a family and suffer the rejection of siblings. How do you move on? Are there support groups of NPD suffers for scapegoats?
Coming home has always deteriorated my mental health. I’m constantly battling thoughts of suicide. This article fits my life to a T as the scapegoat of my family.
But I’m still here. I’m gonna do my best to become financially independent so I can leave this place, go no-contact, and finally have time to myself to heal.
Hang in there Eru. I’m sending you strength and hope.
I have raised up in a narcissist family, where both my dad and mom are nrc, my older sister is the golden child for my dad and my younger brother is the golden child for my mom and am the scapegoat. Thank you Julia for your valuable informations it helps me a lot to understand why am strugglying in my family and why parents targeing me for abusing and terrorizing. Your writing support what I have decided in my life to keep my balance and live forward.
My son married the worst kind of narcissist! She has destroyed my relationship with my daughter also and that means I will not see my grandson! It’s been a year since I’ve seen them, Christmas is coming and I’ve missed his 6th birthday and I will most likely not see him at Christmas time either! Devastated!!
I don’t know whether she was always a narc or became one along the way. She says that she was brought up the same way by her mother. Dad was a bit of an enabler, but supportive at times. He shows narcissistic traits as well, so I still haven’t figured him out.
Their eldest son is the GC. He just can’t do anything wrong! 2 years older to me, he encouraged and assisted my nmom in making my life miserable. I’m the scapegoat. I had no one to go to. Basically raised myself. My sister, 8 years younger to me, I don’t know where she falls, but I have been protective of her, giveing her the listening ear and the best, non-judgemental advice I can manage that I (and she) never got, and never will get, from the nmom.
After years under that tyrant of a mother, I have experienced freedom after graduating and getting a job and being financially independent from her. Because, you know, even the bare basic needs, if met for you by your nmother, they have all sorts of strings attached.
The traits listed above, how well I can resonate with!!! But unfortunately, those traits make it difficult to form healthy relationships. I am to marry the man i love in a few weeks’ time and I am absolutely terrified of what the future may be. The word “mother” beings out pure hatred. How am I to accept his mother when I have had one that has inflicted so much pain ever since I was just a child! How am I to mother children when I fear that I might end up turning into a monster just like her?
Dear Julia,
I found your website through browsing around for random keywords that could solve my dilemma’s still unsolved about being raised by a narcissist. Although years of therapy has brought me a long way I never quite understood why my other parent and sibling perceived some particulars about the past so differently than I did, and I often felt “I was the only one who knew the truth” – a burden I wasn’t at all happy with, because my other family members are prone to suppress or even twist the past in ways that make it more manageable for them.
Reading this article literally made me burst into tears, because it all clicked into place: Why my narcissistic parent particularly had it out for me, and how my mental issues seemed the worst but how I managed to come out stronger. You’ve made my feelings of loneliness about this matter more understandable and I think also more manageable. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, and my compliments for being so articulate about them. Thank you.
Write article and much appreciated now I don’t feel like such a loser being the scapegoat.
I was the scape goat of the Nmom. Her codependent, trauma bonded detached Husband, My stepdad also frequently threw me under the bus and to the wolves to gain favor with her. All the years he took up for her made excuses for her never stood up for me even when he knew she was in the wrong. I guess she used to train him with sex, now it’s cooking. Before we went no contact one of the last thing she told me was” Don’t you cook for your father after I’m gone!” I thought what the h*** now you’re trying to control me after you’re dead and gone from the grave??!! Is that hilarious or what?
I am so relieved to have found this site! I have suffered most of my life, not only with my mother but handed down to siblings too. I am the scapegoat always have been. The sickening abuse and cruelties are spreading through the family to the younger generation now. I had no choice but to go no contact to preserve my own sanity, finally after years of trying and feeling nothing back whatsoever, leave the destruction behind. It does destroy everything, your happiness, your relationships, anything they can get their hands on to wipe out any happiness you may find. They dont care never will as long as they can Blame you for everything. Even if you weren’t there. Crazy! Healing is a long road and I have yet to find a therapist who understands the disorder. At 57 I am finding myself and a new way of life without a family. It has been hell to get there but it was the only choice I had left. I send everyone here my thoughts and best wishes finding your way out of the dark and into the light xx
Spot on for me. Having Asperger’s made me a perfect choice for escape goat. In my case, all my siblings, also narcissists, embraced the dynamic, actually blaming me for the pain inflicted by my father. I got the anger they couldn’t openly show my father. It all makes sense now.
Someone with Asperger’s like me would be a natural as a scapegoat. In that case, strict adherence to the truth and pointing out things others are trying to avoid are things that make an autistic person a perfect scapegoat. It also made me the perfect husband for a female covert narcissist.