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Julie L Hall

The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker

Whether partners, children, other relatives, or friends, narcissist’s caretakers are sustaining forces who enable narcissistic personalities in their delusions, manipulations, and abuse.

When the caretaker is a spouse, s/he has likely been seduced by the narcissist, swallowing hook, line, and sinker that s/he is savior and soulmate, the only person who lives up to the narcissist’s idealized image of perfection, can heal her/his wounds, and complete her/him. Even when the narcissist inevitably becomes devaluing and abusive, caretakers continue to fulfill the role at the expense of their own needs and well-being.

When the caretaker is the narcissist’s child, the hook is planted firmly in place very early in life and tends to dig in deeper as that child develops into adulthood. Children burdened with such responsibility often adopt this role as fundamental to their identity and may continue to caretake the narcissistic parent to the very end. Even when the line is cut and caretaker adult children “swim” away, the hook remains lodged forever, surrounded by scar tissue that never fully heals. Such children are prone to repeating a caretaker role in other adult relationships, including with partners, bosses, and friends, and they often struggle with low self-esteem and unhealthy boundaries.

Traits of the Narcissist’s Caretakers

Here are some common traits of narcissist’s caretakers:

  1. They are groomed to feel special through helping.
  2. They are groomed to see themselves as heroic saviors.
  3. They are highly empathetic.
  4. They are out of touch with their own needs or believe they are unimportant.
  5. They believe they don’t deserve better.
  6. They grew up seeing narcissism as their “normal.”
  7. They are willing to play dumb.
  8. They are willing to sublimate their feelings.
  9. They dislike confrontation and are willing to placate to avoid it.
  10. They believe they deserve or “can handle” regular devaluation.
  11. They forgive and even reassure narcissists after abuse.
  12. They believe they are immune to the narcissist’s contempt and betrayal.
  13. They are willing to submit to punishment for no reason.
  14. They avoid arguments out of fear.
  15. They feel responsible for the narcissist’s happiness.
  16. They feel responsible for the narcissist’s basic survival.
  17. They have low self-esteem.
  18. They blame others for the narcissist’s problems.
  19. The dismiss and devalue their own needs.
  20. They believe they have the power to solve other people’s problems.

Misconceptions Caretakers Have About Narcissists

Narcissist’s caretakers commonly fall prey to some or all of the following misconceptions about the narcissists in their lives:

  1. They really do care about me underneath it all.
  2. If I work hard enough to prove my love and loyalty they will respond in kind.
  3. They would fall apart without me.
  4. They are wounded, and I can heal them.
  5. I’m the only one who really understands them.
  6. They will come around and learn to compromise.
  7. They love me but just don’t know how to show it.
  8. They need more time to learn to trust me.
  9. Things will get better if I try harder.
  10. They are more fragile than me and need more.

As a narcissist’s caretaker, you are not doomed to remain a slave to their demands or continue your caretaking role in life. Narcissists will always take more than their share, believing they deserve it and having no remorse about the damaging impact they have on others. They will literally drain the very life out of you—your energy, your resources, your connections with others, your self-worth, and your happiness.

As a caretaking type, you face a long road to recovery. The first step is understanding that your primary responsibility is to yourself, that your needs and well-being matter and must be your first priority, and that trying to “rescue” others deprives them of the opportunity to experience natural consequences and potentially grow.

Listen to Julie interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.  

Related Articles by Julie L. Hall

Photo courtesy of Derek Gavey.

Categories: The Narcissist Family Files
Tags: enable narcissistsNarcissist Caretakersnarcissistic personality disorder
Julie L Hall:

View Comments (9)

  • I agree with everything except for 1,2 of Traits of Narcissist caretakers, We never felt special in helping him and we felt like it was more like being in prison with a life sentence with no chance of seeing day light, wishing and praying that something would happened to the Narcissist and It DID he was convicted and sentenced to 3 years in Federal Prison for Fraud!
    Prayers do work!
    We made our escape, my almost ex-Narc. He filed for divorce on my birthday while incarcerated and the battle is still going on for 4 years with no resolution. Unfortunately to his dismay, he tried to persuade my daughter to move to another state of course to be his caretaker and when she told him that she was getting married and that you was pregnant, he wrote her husband a nasty email accusing him of taking his precious daughter away from him his only concern was selfishness, he didn't care about her happiness only that she would be there to be his caretaker how disgusting and deplorable. Thank God he found a caretaker, but still bothers my daughter with guilt calls, she is having a hard time sleeping!
    I send a 26 second video of the verbal abuse to Ms. Julie Hall and she said she would put that video on her Facebook page for future survivors for the recognition and healing this abuse.

  • Hi hpappas66. It appears that Karma came around for your almost-ex. I hope things improve for your daughter. Although it can be difficult, it sounds like she needs to go no contact from her father to protect herself and her new family. Yes, I posted the video on FB a few days ago, so people can visit the page to view it. Thanks for sharing: https://www.facebook.com/TheNarcissistFamilyFiles/

  • There's quite a bit of overlap in the behavior and dynamics you describe and those my mother enforces. She is on the autism spectrum, and nothing in the world is more important that her endless needs. My siblings and I still struggle with letting go of the desire to believe that deep down she does love us. We know we're just needs-suppliers to her. But that hope for more lingers on.

    One rather bitter realization is that it's okay to expose certain conditions - like NPD - that bring harm to children while other brain-wiring conditions - like ASD - benefit from sympathetic efforts to deny the impact that condition has on other people. I wrote a manuscript about having a parent on the ASD spectrum, but I've come to realize the message isn't socially acceptable. So I guess I'm here feeling a little sorry for myself because people in my position aren't allowed to speak up. If you're interested in reading more, here's my blog: https://mymotherhasaspergers.wordpress.com/

    If you read the comments, you'll see that people with a parent on the ASD spectrum express similar sentiments: a sense of loneliness and low self-esteem from their own difficult experience and gratitude for the confirmation that it isn't just them. But there are also comments from people on the spectrum, some of whom argue that I am wrong and that my story is harming them. I feel bad about suggesting that they should accept my point of view, so I struggle with believing there's a good reason to tell my truth.

    Thanks for writing about this.

    • I've heard other people express similar sentiments about having family members on the spectrum. Indeed I imagine it is very difficult as the child of one and complicated to find support for. We all have a truth to tell. Thank you for sharing a bit of yours here, and I wish you well finding your way toward healing as well as connecting with "sisters and brothers" who share your experience.

  • My know it all cousin is really good at ending/redirecting conversations. I'm in lockdown with her and I know my thoughts are something I should keep to myself. Because of health problems RA I'm really tired out.

    I'm afraid she will go ballistic and has when I'm not 100 percent in agreement with her. She gives me a smarmy smile and head tilt , feels like a domineering trait.

    Basically her personality is stand offish , my Mom can't see the narcissism , she is very naive about off the wall behaviors, which I understand since I don't like to find fault and get confused,

    To top this off , she's the live in, what money she has from a caregiver job she spends wildly online.

    She is very friendly to people outside the family, she talks to her sister for hours on the phone
    for hours , can hear it through the wall from the guest room.

    She avoids me as much as possible or manipulates conversations to end.

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