Being fundamentally ashamed of themselves, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are experts at playing the shame game with those around them.
Often confused with its cousin guilt, which is a feeling of distress about something we have done, shame is a feeling of distress about who we are. Simply put, guilt is “I did something bad,” while shame is “I am bad.”
Narcissists rarely if ever feel guilt but are deeply tormented by shame. Because as children they do not develop empathy for others, narcissists lack the compassion and sense of responsibility for their behavior that triggers guilt. But their early defining sense of being defective and unlovable causes them lifelong shame that they fight against with a grandiose exterior, victim posturing, and contemptuous behavior toward others.
The Shame Game: Why
Shaming is a common and especially damaging form of narcissistic abuse. Narcissists use shame to
- project their inadequacies;
- externalize their self-loathing;
- make others look and feel inferior;
- feed their need to feel superior;
- control others’ self-perceptions;
- manipulate others to take undue responsibility;
- manipulate others to blame themselves for their abuser’s behavior;
- undermine and weaken others’ self-esteem;
- isolate and disarm others; and/or
- drive others into self-hating secrecy and self-destruction.
The Shame Game: How
By planting shame in other people, narcissists in essence install a button they can press at any time to manipulate and punish those they seek to control. Those who love, care about, or otherwise look up to or rely on narcissists, such as their children, partners, relatives, friends, employees, students, congregants, patients, or others within their sphere of influence, are vulnerable to messages of shame. Because narcissists do not feel remorse for hurting people and abusing their power over others, but in fact believe they are justified in doing so, they shame with abandon.
In particular, children of narcissistic parents are most vulnerable to being shamed because they are unformed beings who naturally love and look to their parents for caregiving, validation of self, and a sense of identity. A shamed child often carries false and deeply damaging self-beliefs for decades, if not a lifetime.
The Shame Game: Consequences
For anyone, intense shame can lead to
- pervasive anxiety;
- self-hatred;
- withdrawal and secrecy;
- fear of intimacy and “exposure”;
- addictions;
- self-harm;
- internalized or externalized anger;
- dislocation from one’s feelings or authentic self;
- perfectionism; and/or
- underachievement.
The Shame Game: A Real-Life Example
Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It’s Not Your Fault
- Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Dilemma of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
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View Comments (11)
Thank you for this new layer of revealing insight into the twisted mindf*&k that is the parenting of an NPD.
Indeed it is precisely that: a twisted MF.
Do you have any strategies for dealing with this type of behaviour, please?
This is a good question, too complex to adequately address here in comments. I am completing a book about the narcissistic family, including healing strategies. I will certainly explore this issue in the book if not in another post. If you are still dealing directly with the narcissist it is an ongoing challenge. If you are struggling with residual shame, the place to start is to identify when and what triggers those emotions and really examine them. Dissect the feelings and their source and separate that from your identity. Understand that it is not you but a kind of cancer in you that you have the power to remove and heal from. That's much easier said than done, I realize. I wish you well.
I’ve loved recently discovering your blog! I went through a terrible break-up with a woman with NPD nearly 14 years ago after 16 years together. I didn’t know anything about this disorder or that I was the perfect partner for someone who is a narcissist. The trauma I went through at the time of our break up and during several other incidents in the course of the relationship have, in a way, affected me me every day since. Not to mention how a person with NPD undermines one’s confidence and sense of reality in this insidious, day-in day-out sort of way.
A couple of mental health professionals who knew my partner provided me enough clues to later figure out what the problem was and to start reading on this topic. There was much less reading material available in 2004, but finding out that other people had endured similar experiences was one of the only things that gave me comfort. The difficulties of explaining your experiences and feelings to others and having them understand or believe it led me to stop talking about it to anyone other than my therapist-who was wonderful.
Going through this horrible part of my life has definitely made me want to reach out to others who may think they’ alone, but I wasn’t sure how to. Reading your blog leads me to believe that this is a personal project for you and that you must have been greatly affected by your time in a Narcissistic family—enough so that writing about this topic must seem therapeutic. It has definitely been therapeutic for me as a reader. I read every article. Thanks!
I'm glad it's been helpful, Julie. The isolation that typically comes with this type of abuse makes it so much harder to cope with. Yes, it's been therapeutic for me to write about it—both in coming to understand it for myself and in the gratification of helping others in similar circumstances. It's a tragic and dark feature of the human condition that needs to be opened up the the light of day.
Hi there: so I’ve came across a instagram post from someone who goes by becoming Alysa and she used your work without citing you or giving you credit. Apparently she is charging while using your work and she isn’t a counselor or life coach.
Hi Kersten, thank you so much for your concern. My platform in no way is intended to misrepresent. This is a wonderful article, but I always strive to make my posts my own. I have never led anyone to believe I am a licensed counselor and while I am currently working on a coaching certificate, coaching does not require a specific license or certificate prior to working with clients.
Though I think it was an accident my niece was given too much of a date rape drug. (Giving the drug was t the accident, too much was) she died. It was given by her husband. My sister says he doesn’t act guilty so she doesn’t think he did it. He fits all the descriptions of a Narssist. I can’t find anything that talks specifically about how they get away with stuff because they don’t feel the guilt. Any suggestions?
I am a child of a narcissist parent, and both of my parents were emotionally neglectful. The result, for me, is that I have exhibited narcissist behavior, causing manifold social and emotional problems. I sincerely want to help myself learn how to alter my behavior because I do care about the people that I inevitably end up hurting. But your list of articles reads like a condemnation of narcissists. Are we truly beyond hope and help? Where is the help for the narcissists?
As a child, youngest of 4, my mother called me a weasel. No one else had that honor of getting a “pet” name. The name has disappeared, but the stigma remains. I will never be seen as handsome or heroic. I will never have a voice, no matter how much of a success I am. I drive a Porsche, retired with 6 figures. Wife inherited $1 million from her estranged malignant. I get almost six figures retirement. Doesnt matter. It doesn’t fit their narrative. I will forever be shunned.