As the saying goes, we often hurt the ones we love, but many narcissists torture others deliberately, whether to boost their self-esteem or for sadistic enjoyment, or both.
Merriam-Webster defines torture as “the infliction of intense pain to coerce, punish, or afford sadistic pleasure” and “anguish of body or mind.” Anyone who has had the misfortune of being targeted by a narcissist knows very well that torture is in fact precisely the word for the experience. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is by nature an abusive disorder because of narcissists’ deficient development of ego and empathy, which leads them to compensate with inflated entitlement and self-importance in the absence of a moderating conscience.
Those closest to people with NPD, such as a partner/spouse and children, are at most risk of torturous behavior. It can range from psycho-emotional to physical and sexual, but it is inevitable because narcissists don’t care if they hurt others while at the same time are often attempting to exert control and dominance, whether overtly or covertly expressed.
Coerce
“Coercion” is the first part of the dictionary definition of torture. Narcissists coerce others, especially their family, to uphold the manufactured identity they create for themselves in place of the vulnerable instability they experience beneath their assertions of superiority. They continuously justify their neglect and abuse of others, and they resort to coercion to exact cooperation and/or submission from those they are violating.
Coercive Tactics
Narcissists torture others using these common coercive tactics to gain compliance:
- Isolation removing the target’s independence, such as by restricting contact with friends, outside family, and social connections; constraining physical freedom; and limiting financial resources
- Removal of Free Will destabilizing the target’s fundamental sense of self, reality, and worldview through persistent questioning and negative judgment
- Instilled Powerlessness undermining the target’s confidence in his/her thoughts, feelings, and perceptions through distortions of reality, gaslighting, and dismissing and denying truths and facts to cause self-doubt and cognitive dissonance
- Thought Control controlling acceptable opinion and expression in the target through judgment, intimidation, silent treatment, rejection, and unspoken “rules of engagement”
- Terror controlling the target’s words, actions, and thoughts through implied, threatened, or real verbal, physical, and/or sexual violence, sometimes combined with intermittent repentance, promises of change, and/or rewards to keep the target “in the game” and holding out hope for change
Punish
“Punishment” is the second part of our dictionary definition of torture. Narcissists are not capable of sustained genuine love, loyalty, or respect for others, even and often especially those who in fact love and are loyal and respectful to them. Anyone who triggers, usually inadvertently, their repressed insecurity (early attachment trauma), is fair game for a host of punishments. Narcissists punish for numerous reasons, and they do it without remorse believing others deserve it and would do the same to them if they were clever enough and/or given the chance.
Reasons for Punishment
- to control
- to get revenge
- to demonstrate their powers of influence
- to obtain/regain compliance
- to vent their rage
- to assert their entitlement
- to shut down potential or actual threats
- to defeat “competition”
- to display their dominance
- to get “respect”
- to create fear
- to derive sadistic pleasure
Sadistic Pleasure
Here we come to the third part of our dictionary definition of torture: “sadistic pleasure” in pursuit of causing “anguish of body or mind.” Some narcissists are on the malignant end of the spectrum, meaning their primary means of exerting control over their environment is through serial aggression, dominance, and abuse. Many malignant narcissists are also sadistic, experiencing pleasure, often sexual, through torturing others. They aren’t hurting others just because they lack a conscience and are trying to moderate their self-esteem. They are doing it also because they enjoy and even delight in humiliating, dominating, defiling, and dehumanizing others. People with NPD are not necessarily sadistic, but the ones who are make monstrous abusers who will torment those, in a parallel universe, they are meant to love.
Thank you to The Neurotypical Site for insights into psychological coercion based on Amnesty International definitions, adapted here.
Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
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- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Burden of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
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- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
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View Comments (16)
In assisting a friend I have encountered the worst NPD i have ever seen. It is the worst things I have ever read or seen. I am pretty sure sex traffickers would be more humane than this. At least a trafficker is motivated by money instead of sadistic control and emotional torture.
You have no idea, as the expression goes! My mother is a NPD- emotional torture type. She and my father, but with mother at the helm of the narcissism, absolutely destroyed my life -emotionally- and so insidiously. On the outside, we are a "middle-class" family with all the bells and whistles of the appearance a middle class family...
But, let me just say, when that front shuts and the company and friends leave after their visit, the narcissistic sham reality sets in; the cognitive dissonance, the removal of free will, the thought control, the targeting, and shall I continue. I am 52 now and just now starting to live.
Yes, absolute emotional torture. And, I am a well-educated and motivated individual who cares about her work, her friends, and contributing. But, you know, and here is the "but," I never really had a career. Like a tried and true long-term career because of the above that I listed here and the details of what Julia Hall lists here.
Now, I am starting to live, for the first time. I feel like I just graduated from college and am looking for my career as one does, typically, upon graduating.
The stories are just UNBELIEVABLE.
Those reading about NPD, please note that this is a real thing. It is not a "Trump" thing, although he does show some NPD tendencies, but a serious part of a mental health breakdown for those who experience NPD to some degree and form.
This is REAL. What Julia Hall and the other doctors and authors contribute to this field is vital. It is as hidden as sexual abuse is/was/still can be... I had the emotional type... and only my the grace of God did I not end up living under a bridge ... after humiliating, dominating, defiling, and dehumanizing parenting, I was just a breeze away from utter destruction.
Please pay attention to this NPD as it is real as real gets and it comes in many forms and degrees. It presents in as many different way as there are people on the planet. Do not be fooled. This is not a game and it is not a farce some made up diagnosis. It is even very difficult to find therapists who understand this Dr. Milken, of Harvard, and Dr. Karyl McBride, of Colorado do! YouTube them, Dr. McBride has been there!
I will buy you any you want a drink ( which I did more than my fair share of ) so you'll have to settle coffe. Sorry. What you have said that it made me what I call a NPD alcoholic for almost 50 years out of 62 years. With help of GOD and my 2 children I have been Cold sober for now three years. My NARCISSISTIC partner, she passed away in January 2019 at the young of 74. SHE missed a lot of laughter and good times My kids and I had. Now I'm trying to get rid of ALL the BAGGAGE I've accumulated over the years.
Hi what do i do with a husband that is a narc, we married for 21 years and i have no way out of this marriage, he put all my hard earned money which I built a home and he put that and everything on his name, he has gained huge favour within our community and everyone thinks he is awesome.... I need help
The 'justifications' a narcissist uses for 'punishing' were employed by my narcissistic, elderly former mother-in-law and my former wife against me. It took me YEARS to wake up to the reality that both my former wife and her mother & father were all narcissists. My former wife & her mother also employed the 'coercion' tactics regularly against me if they sensed I was beginning to stand up to them. When I expressed a desire for NO CONTACT with my former in-laws the narc rage was unbelievable. My former wife WOULD NOT respect my wishes and kept telling me to 'just put up with her [mother and father]'. She even turned my stepdaughter against me by enlisting her as a 'teammate' (she told her that I didn't like her narcissistic grandma). Narcissist Mother-in-law/Grandma was ENRAGED when my former wife told her I didn't like her, and began a smear campaign against me with her friends/neighbors. I've been free of these horrible people for 2 years now, and am living a healthy, normal life again.
You are very free with "scary" stuff about how your type operate, but less free about what to do about it. In fact, all a real person has to do is to block these sort of things happening to them. And sort out how upset they are about it. And then not be upset anymore. The pictures must be "very comforting" for people under narcissistic attack, a particular type of them, anyway. Also, don't forget how useful narcissists are to the world, they are often very hard working, successful people.
Really? If you have not experienced narcissism, the chances are you wouldn't know that those who are victims (yes, victims) of being "narcissized" (my word) by one or both parents, can not JUST simply say - okay I am not upset anymore... all done.. . wipe hands with napkin and walk away. The damage is great for many of us.
You are so right, Kristine, my experience is with a sibling and it has been hell to get over. No one understands until you lived it, and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.
No one understands and often think we are exaggerating. People have NO idea what we have endured and deep levels of shame. It's brutal.
Great article. It's amazing how narc people have a way to keep you in their loop and never let you leave. Thanks for this post.