Whether you’re an adult child, partner/spouse, or other family member of a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), perhaps the most difficult aspect of the relationship is coming to grips with the fact that this person does not and will never love you.
Narcissists may say they love you, and even believe it. They may for a time put you on a pedestal and treat you like royalty. After they have shown their cruelty, they may at times appear remorseful and make promises to change. Under certain circumstances they may behave benignly, even affectionately and generously.
But what may appear fleetingly to be love is conditional and self-serving. It is at best sentimental attachment or idealization, which will crash and burn into disappointment, mounting criticism and rage, serial abuse, and possible abandonment, no matter how high you were elevated and how special you felt.
Why Narcissists Will Never Love You
Pathological narcissists can’t love. They are developmentally arrested at a formative age, probably somewhere around 2-4 years old. Having experienced disrupted attachment with their primary caregivers, which may also trigger a genetic predisposition, people who compensate with narcissistic adaptations rarely make up for early developmental deficits. They fail to integrate a stable sense of identity and self-esteem, and they do not learn to engage empathetically with others, remaining primitively ego-centric throughout their lives no matter how sophisticated they may become in other areas.
Lacking a resilient sense of selfhood and plagued by shame and self-doubt, narcissists wear a mask of entitled superiority and work continuously to repress their feelings of inadequacy and banish the possibility that others may see their weakness and fear.
Narcissists can’t love because they
- are developmentally stunted young children;
- never learned to love themselves;
- don’t care what others feel;
- are consumed by their own needs and always see them as paramount;
- project their lack of empathy onto others;
- lack self-awareness;
- don’t understand emotional nuance;
- view others as inferiors to be humiliated, competitors to be defeated, or superiors to be won over;
- see life as a war zone; and
- ultimately despise any club that would have them as a member.
Why It’s Dangerous to Love a Narcissist
As pitiable as it may seem, NPD by nature is an abusive disorder. To varying degrees, most of us try to live by The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do onto you. Narcissists violate that code as a matter of course, viewing it with cynical contempt. Their mantra is, It’s all about me. And their “code” is to get what they believe is theirs no matter the cost to others. Particularly malignant narcissists walk through life crushing everyone in their path, dominating “the pack” ruthlessly and often sadistically.
Loving a narcissist means a world of hurt for you because s/he will never love you back and it opens you up to potentially devastating harm.
People with NPD never learn to play nice. They
- manipulate,
- exploit,
- lie,
- project,
- betray,
- hold grudges,
- deny,
- shame,
- blame,
- mock,
- bait,
- belittle,
- neglect,
- stonewall,
- scapegoat,
- play favorites,
- take revenge,
- terrorize,
- torture, and
- punish in myriad ways.
They will isolate you from support, destroy your self-esteem, kill what you love, blame you for their behavior, and abuse you emotionally, psychologically, physically, and/or sexually. You are an object to them, not a someone. And they feel justified in treating you with scorn and bringing you to your knees.
Think you can change them? Tame their defenses and rage? Re-parent and heal them? Finally win their love with your devotion, kindness, and self-sacrifice? Then you are exactly who they are looking for.
Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
- Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Dilemma of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
Image courtesy of Toppazzini, Pierre-Olivier Carles, Creative Commons.
View Comments (20)
I have a grandma with ( NPD) but since i am a ten year old girl .. people think i shouldn't envolve my self in it all ... exept i am a prodogey at seing throught peoples rouph expeariences in life wich causes them to in the future be violent and have explosive attacks , what i have seen in the behaviour of only one human being is frightening , and unsattisfyingly violent ... My mother has to deal with these people every day mostely her mother , wich she has an extremily detached relashionship with . Narcissists for a time put you on a pedestrial and treat you like a suppireor, but when they take off the mask and show their true selves we can never un see it . As a victim of the behaviour I have seen what people with (NPD) are capable of , and with my oppinion think that they could turn a gun on their family , expecially sociopaths and psychopaths ...
This article is so spot on. It took me 31 years and I am stil at in a process. My husband has done all of the above. Unfortunately our two beautiful daughter's did too. We are not the first by no means. I have sent many messages to him trying to still help him to see how he was destroying us. That is one of his threats to us also. Even thought his physical was very intermittent and mostly on holidays. The rest was all there. Isolation from everything when you look. I know nothing about him, work, nites out, celebrations, goals, future, broken promises only put in place to dusgard. Very hurful beyond crushing. Would not wish it on anyone. He told me it was hiw his parents treated him and gave him away. Only to abandon the three of us. To create a whole new life and pretend he never created and brainwashed us. Isolation is huge it gives so much power for them. Telling you then what evil he was brought up with. Isolation allows them to keep all opportunities open to use you as their scapegoat. This will also ruin their children if must be.
I will leave it here as I could fill pages.
Just read this article and was happy to see the good doctor reference a Groucho Marx quote I wrote about two years ago and posted on Facebook. It was gratifying to know I've gained an understanding of my malignant narcissist ex-girlfriend's psychopathy as I have worked so hard to understand why she behaved the way she did and why I put up with it for so long.
Two and a half years after going no contact and filing a restraining order on her to keep her away from me, I am finally almost fully healed from the trauma. Please believe me, it does get better once you get away from them.
Here's what I posted on Facebook:
"It's called "LOVE"!!! Sadly, some of you are incapable of experiencing that emotion and the joy of true intimacy..and will continue to push away those of us that have the courage to love you."
"Groucho Marx acknowledged the limitations of your self-loathing when he said; "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.""
"How very, very tragic for you and, especially, us.... for you can never miss something you've never felt....nor grieve for the loss of someone you never loved."
They will isolate you from support, destroy your things, kill what you love, blame you for their behavior, and abuse you
Exactly. I thought for a long time that i should forgive my mother and try to have a relationship with her. I felt guilty for her actions. I didn't really understand what it was until a friend with a similar parent pointed out that she was a narcissist. I could never pinpoint exactly why i felt terrible around her.
She isolated me from her side of the family. She threw all of my Christmas presents away when i moved in with my father. She only hears the negative things and constantly forgets things like my job title, my birthday, anything i feel proud of. And all of our relationship problems are my fault. I'm the one that doesn't call. But she doesn't call me either.
I feel less guilty after this article, because she can't love. That's really sad for her. But i can. And i should spend that energy on people who can love me back.
Do you have any articles on when two narcissistic people collaborate and the term "flying monkeys?" Big bummer. Do domestic violence programs have support groups for recovery from narcissistic abuse situations?
Hi Jen. If you use the search function you'll find what you're looking for. I've never heard of a domestic abuse support organization offering help for narcissistic abuse per se, but some of the people running such programs do recognize that many, many abusers are narcissists. Whether they understand the complicated issues around NPD and narcissistic abuse trauma is really an individual matter, but most will not. Out of the Fog has online forums dedicated to such issues. I offer coaching, and my book is coming out in early December.
I am continually amazed at how void of compassion these people are. My Mom was married to a narcissist and somehow I managed to do the same...My husband points out faults in so many people and lives on his pedestal ...teach Men's Bible Studies, playing on a worship team, posting his superficial comments on Fakebook. Anything to keep his reputation looking all "clean and shiny"...
Yet treats me like dirt. I have lived with his nasty, insidious porn addiction for decades and listened to his broken promises...LIES LIES LIES to my face.....a complete hypocrite who (instead of loving his wife as his Bible teaches}, uses her and yells within inches of her face when she tries to stand up for herself.
Well no more....I am almost out this door.... as soon as the house sells. He can go on his merry way and lie about me...many people already know the truth and can see his fake persona...
Pity his next victim....like father like son....affairs, lies, and self-centered...
I am currently in a relationship with a narc. We have a 5 month year old daughter and now live together. It is going to be 5 years in a relationship with him and these have been the worst years of my life minus the fact that my daughter was born. Nothing in his eyes have ever been right or enough for him and know I notice when he is mad at me he won’t pay any attention to our daughter. It’s so hard being with someone that I can’t even talk to because it all turns round and has to be about him in some way. I learned to just keep to myself and not talk at all. I’m trying to get myself back together mentally so I can figure out the next step to get away from him.
Ouch... That one stuck a dagger in me just now...
Think you can change them? Tame their defenses and rage? Re-parent and heal them? Finally win their love with your devotion, kindness, and self-sacrifice? Then you are exactly who they are looking for.
I was fortunate to have a really wonderful grandmother to help me and love me. I always wondered why my mother hated her so much. Probably because she couldn't hurt me as bad with my grandmother having my back.
This is an extremely well written and fantastic article! I just came out of a three year relationship with a Covert Narcissist and it was a trail of abuse from start to finish. It made me face my own abuse by my narc mother and dig deep to regain my self worth in recovery.