There is nearly always someone enabling the narcissist. Being fundamentally dependent on others for the self-assurance and definition they lack, narcissists don’t get very far without enablers. An enabler supports the narcissist’s insistence on control, inflated persona, exaggerated entitlement, and abusive behavior by
- unquestionably accepting their delusions and lies,
- not standing up to their abuse,
- hiding or cleaning up their messes,
- shielding them from consequences,
- acting as an apologist for them, and
- blaming others for their behavior.
The Enabler’s Delusions
Narcissists usually have enablers in their family, such as a partner, parent, child, and/or sibling. They may also have enabling friends, coworkers or employees, and other members of their social network. People become enablers of narcissists for different reasons, from misguided caregiving, to self-doubt, to fear, to a desire for power. Often they become enablers gradually without understanding their situation. A narcissist’s partner in particular may feel confused by gaslighting messages, believing some or all of the following:
- I am causing them to act this way.
- I am the unfair/angry/cruel one.
- If I weren’t so stupid/selfish/needy/unattractive they would love me.
- They don’t really mean to hurt me/the kids.
- Deep down they love me/us but don’t know how to show it.
- All relationships are difficult like this.
- Things will get better when we get married/have kids.
- If I change, they will be happy with me.
- If I am more loving/lovable they will stop acting so angry.
- If our children act/do better, they will be happy with us.
Oftentimes enablers see abusive dynamics in a relationship as normal because they grew up with demanding, selfish, neglectful, or abusive parents. Enablers of narcissists may come from narcissistic homes or other environments in which they learned to subjugate their needs and feelings, such as with an alcoholic parent.
Enablers may delude themselves into thinking that they alone can understand and fulfill their difficult but special partner. They may see their partner as somehow a great catch and believe they need to do extra work to keep them. Perhaps their partner feels a bit out of their league—more intelligent, good looking, charming, educated, wealthy, or successful than they are and therefore worth the high maintenance they need to do. Similarly, a narcissist’s favored and enmeshed child may be under the delusion that they are the only one who can manage that parent’s happiness. Such children often construct their identity around the demands of the parent, constantly working to please and appease.
No Way Out
Frequently, enabling partners of narcissists stay in their relationships even when they realize they are being abused because they don’t see a way out. Their abusive mate is likely to have undermined their independence and support network by
- eroding their self-confidence,
- burdening them with excessive responsibilities and problems,
- isolating them from family and friends,
- controlling/draining their finances,
- alienating them from their children,
- threatening to leave them with nothing if they leave,
- threatening to physically harm them or others they care about if they leave, and/or
- threatening to self-harm or commit suicide if they leave.
The Enabling Covert Narcissist
In some cases an enabler may be a covert narcissist impressed with the apparent confidence or success of a more overt narcissist. Such an enabler may admire the other narcissist and feed their self-esteem and identity by living vicariously through that partner. Or the more covert narcissist may get sympathy for managing the overt narcissist’s difficult and selfish personality. In such a relationship the narcissistic enabler may present themself as the long-suffering good, kind, loyal, patient, reasonable victim who deserves better but below the surface is just as self-centered and exploitive as their counterpart. As parents, narcissistic partners enable each other by overlooking and/or supporting their negligent and abusive behavior toward their children.
Trauma Bonding
Typically a narcissist manipulates an enabler through alternating abuse and special treatment. The enabler falls into a pattern of avoiding attack while also seeking rewards such as affection, praise, sex, or money. In this dynamic the enabler experiences trauma bonding with the abusive narcissist, becoming emotionally and physically addicted to the roller-coaster of positive and negative reinforcement.
Enablers Versus Flying Monkeys
“Flying monkeys” are enablers who also perpetrate the narcissist’s abuse on targeted victims. Like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, they assist in the narcissist’s dirty work and carry out abuse by proxy. Often children or other relatives in the narcissistic family, flying monkeys may be narcissistic themselves. There is a fine line between enabling and acting as a flying monkey. Often enablers cross that line to avoid being targeted themselves or because they are invested in believing the delusions and lies that justify the narcissist’s abuse of others, particularly scapegoated children. For such children, the betrayal of the enabling parent may be harder to accept and forgive than that of the narcissist because the enabler is the “safe” parent who should know better.
Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- How Narcissists Weaponize Praise
- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It’s Not Your Fault
- Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Dilemma of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
Image courtesy of John LeMasney.
View Comments (13)
As the 30-something scapegoat daughter, how do I help my sweet enabler father realize that he and his daughters are being emotionally abused and escape my narcissistic mother?
I’m trying to find the answer to this question myself ..
Years ago I divided my parents into the sweet and the narcissist part too. Now I am slowly learning they are both sides of the same coin. The only solution is to save our lives. Read the article again: there is no getting through to the enabler, being that is his safety and supply. I had to learn the bitter way, maybe my words help you to learn a little earlier.
Nailed it on the head. I'm having a hard time with my dad, the enabler. He and I were always close. Since my nmand I had it out he will not speak ( neither will my sibli gs)to me as he has told me "I'm throwing stones at the family he built". Last I checked, I was his daughter too. Sick!
My ex-husband is a narcissist. His parents have been his flying monkeys/enablers all of his life. He was convicted of a sexual exploitation of a minor with a special finding of sexual motivation. His parents spent over 50,000 in attorney fees and his conviction was eventually overturned on a technicality, He had supervised, (By his parents) visitation with our young daughter. Despite having a 4 bedroom house, they allowed him to sleep in the same bed with her until she was five. There were obvious signs he was physically and sexually abusing her which they ignored. Every attempt to stop the abuse, they used their money and solidarity to protect their son. Now our daughter is an adult with a 4 year old. She has schizophrenia, toxic personality traits, possible MID and is a narcissist. She views her daughter a her possession and has started to emotionally abuse my granddaughter. We live in an area that is devoid of mental health professionals qualified to diagnose or provide the type of mental health services my daughter requires. I had custody of my granddaughter for the last two years. It is heartbreaking to see all the life and joy being sucked out of her by her own mother and be unable to help either of them. I have filed for permanent custody but people with personality disorders are adept at lying to get their way. If anyone has some suggestions to help with my situation it would be greatly appreciated.
Same here.
I used to have hope that my decent father would confront my narc mother's darkness. Plus stick up for his grandchildren. I was wrong. Now I see it would never have happened, nor will happen.
Narcs are just too wicked. The first thing they threaten and secure is their enabler(s)... only AFTER they have their enablers turned against you will they come for you.
Christy,
Me too. I adored and put my father on a pedestal for 54 years. During a recent traumatic family week together, during which time my mother was being vile, controlling and ungrateful for our hospitality, with tantrums and silent treatment, I FINALLY stood up to her for the first time.
Unfortunately, my father (after many years of desperate phone calls to me about her very behaviour) suddenly switched sides and turned on me in the most dramatic and ugly way and claimed I was the trouble-maker. I now believe this was because I 'outed' my mother's behaviour in front of her and he's terrified of the consequences for himself.
He will now not talk to me and has sacrificed his relationship with me to save his own skin.
I am utterly heartbroken and feel I have lost him for good.
Sue
My mother was an enabler. I could never understand why she always justified my father's behaviour :( Even worse than that, she often claimed that I was imagining things and that the abuse had never actually happened. Sometimes I wonder who hurt me more - if it was my father the narcissist or my mother the enabler....
I often ask myself the same question , after many years of really good therapy I am able to emotionally self regulate and have resolved a lot of my own childhood trauma .My father was a narcissist my older sister is also a narcissist and growing up in their presence was a deeply invalidating experience . I was the youngest of two and a male . My relationship with my mother was traumatic as she was the enabler to my fathers abuse and also my sisters abuse . My mother often lived in a delusional state of utter denial which was confusing , frustrating and mostly negated my true experiences and feelings as a child .Its as though my mother was never really able to see me as a person. So I accommodated her , becoming for her what she needed me to be , not who I authentically was . Although now I understand her position in the family dynamic the reality now is that , after my fathers death , my mother is dominated by the needs of my narcissistic sister. My mother keeps ties with my sister to have access to her grandson .
My mother requires me to play along as the good son but I refuse to have any contact with my sister and have done for years .She is very dark , manipulative and distressing to be around just like my father was. But my mother cant seem to grasp this and often sees me as a dividing influence .The reality is, is that I dont want a relationship with my mother either . There is very little between us in terms of closeness and I often feel uncomfortable with her needy, clawing nature , it feels sticky and emotionally nauseating for me. I have barely spoken to her this year and I prefer it this way. Before that , I had no contact for 4 years .I actually prefer it this way.
If I am being authentic , I realise that I feel no real bond to my mother , not because I am angry with her for being an enabler any more but because I recognise the relationship for what it is .I am not prepared any more to pretend for my mother that I feel more than I do toward her, thats what made me angry all my life, having to be other than what I actually was for her, fearing that my mother would not be able to weather my true feelings and it destroy her. So I buried my authentic self to accommodate her needs .I have had very little contact with my parents for decades and 4 years ago my father died .I didnt attend the funeral and I am actually proud of myself that I didnt .But my mother still wants me to visit and be 'part of the family' .To my mind , there is and never really was a family .I just get upset when I receive a Christmas card from her inviting me over to her 'open house'. I genuinely wish she would leave me alone and accept that although I bear no ill will toward her , we will never be close and I will never tolerate my sister in my life ever again for my mothers sake , at great distress to me .
Last Christmas my mother invited me to stay at her house whilst she was away at my sisters. I had just returned from the middle east and it was an opportunity to talk since my fathers death .That turned into my mother cancelling visiting my sister to staying with me because she didnt really want to travel, I foresaw problems. She then invited 5 other members of the family .My sister then invited herself to my mothers .I wasnt even asked how I felt about the change of plans .Had it been just the distant family members , I would have attended but to have my sister invite herself because she feared missing out on something. trapped me and I decided not to attend. This is how it is with my mother , there is no trust .
Nearly a year ago I had met the woman of my dreams. The first time we met I felt as though we had been lovers in another life. Everything in my being said this was the person I was meant to be with. I had gone out with her only once and met her by chance in a convenience store on Christmas Eve of 2021, she invited me over to her place, where I quickly found out her 20 yo narcissistic controlled her horizontal and vertical, she showed me holes in the sheetrock he had punched, my first inclination was that, this situation is beyond messed up, and I should have ran but instead fell in love with her. Later in the Winter in Feb. I stayed at her house and her son was not supposed to be back home but surprised us both by coming back. When he came through the door he started screaming at his mother about everything and anything, I interjected and said, "why are talking to mom like that". He instantly got in my face and then put his hands on me. Mind you this young mans got 6 inches and about 75 pounds on me. I quickly got my arm around his neck and brought him to kitchen floor and choked him in a headlock until I saw surrender in his eyes and let him go. He got up screamed with such anger I thought he may have been possessed. I just stared at him and said, "son you want some more I'll be happy to oblige you. His mom cried and said thank you as no one had ever stood up for her. I said you got to do something about this, she never did. In the months that passed he kicked her bathroom door while she was getting away and assaulted her in the driveway where the neighbors had to intervene. Long story short, I ended it realizing if after all that she wants to finance her own prison and enable that I would be caught up in it as well. I do still love her and wish somehow she would take control, but after seeing all that I came to the conclusion there was just no hope for us.
All that kid does is smoke pot, play video games and go to car shows. All you can do is walk away
Excellent article Julie! I would like to add an eleventh belief of enablers:
"They can't help it."
It’s so sick my life could mean so little to someone I thought was the most genuine well meaning person I’d ever met. I know all my struggles and self worth, my life meant nothing more than being more interesting in your fake support groups for abuse you wish you suffered. It’s absurd what a disgusting hypocrite you really are. Underneath the lifetime of fake abuse stories you’re the real monster. You’re the user and abuser not your sister or mother or any of the other people need to blame or use as excuses for your lazy over privileged life. You should be ashamed and in jail for abusing the law, support groups, even you there faking to be a victim is shaming real abuse… but there’s no point you have all your enablers who believe your fake victim hood.. you’ll never see it’s you, you run from it and pass on Whatever real trauma u can’t face. From papa or grands papa or just a combination of everyone that turned you into the thing you pretend to be steadfast against. It’s all lies you just use mental health to abuse and get unwarranted sympathy when you’re the real abuser, I understand why you can’t sleep now… how could you when you’re so busy living such horrible lies in your sick fantasy world where abuse=victim hood. I wish we’d never met, and I use to cry thinking about all the whats ifs that brought us together… it was just you lying about who you were to use me for your cruel personal growth by abusing me the way you pretend to be abused. You fraud, I could just say it all forever because it never stops hurting but I know it’s only hurting me worse now. You’re an evil person, I wish you could feel for a day what people with real feelings do.. you’d understand it’s not ok to use and manipulate and lie day in and out for years because it’s what I need to grow… it’s sick and how you can twist psychology and lie to a therapist and friends for years and use that as proof,, torture me and use my reaction as proof.. why ?? Why me? I just wanted to love and be loved and the family we said we were even just us.. you just appealed to what I wanted, you wrote it down and had it framed and put up on our walls all the ways you’d betray and lie.. who does that why?? No one deserves to be emotionally tortured for months while I ghost and lie and put unfair boundaries on our relationship.. you owe me more than an apology more than time can forgive but you’ll continue to abuse me in name for the rest of my life for you.. you sick monkey why… no one deserves to be used as scapegoat for things you can’t face! I loved you so completely and I trusted you with things you used and twisted the only real issues I ever asked you to spare, you did it that way that cruelly and premeditated when you could have just talked to me.. spent that effort trying instead of plotting your cruel discard. But you have no real emotions so why bother