Despite the fact that an increasing number of young people identify as LGBTQ (1 in 6 of Generation Z), queer-identified individuals are subject to lifelong invisibility and bigotry, often even within their own families. As societal scapegoats, they have far fewer positive role models and social safety nets, and they are more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse in their relationships.

Reasons for LGBTQ Vulnerability to Narcissistic Abuse

1. Inexperience

In many contemporary societies children are raised with heteronormative assumptions and expectations that are powerfully reinforced in media representations and social institutions such as school and church. As a result, LGBTQ young people often take longer to identify and accept their gender identity and/or sexuality and intimate-partner orientation and may have later and fewer experiences with dating and relationships. This relative lack of experience can be a setup for missing narcissistic red flags and stumbling into premature intimacy and commitment. 

2. Shame

Shame, particularly in childhood, is a destabilizing emotion that erodes self-esteem and inhibits our ability to connect with ourselves and those around us. As happens with any societal scapegoat, LGBTQ individuals are treated as an inferior “other” and targeted with the projected shame of the dominant culture around them. The more survivalist and intolerant the culture is, the more such shaming messages are heightened and normalized. LGBTQ people carrying low self-esteem and shame about themselves and their intimate relationships are more likely to accept negligent and devaluing treatment from a narcissistic partner.

3. Isolation

Because LGBTQ people are more likely to be socially ostracized or to preemptively withdraw or withhold information to avoid being ostracized, they often experience not just personal isolation but also the need to hide their relationships. Even well-meaning family and friends may inadvertently compound LGBTQ people’s isolation by not asking about their personal lives and not sharing information about their relationships with others in their social network. For these reasons LGBTQ people can feel defensive of and overdependent on their partners, making them more willing to dismiss warning signs and tolerate patterns of neglect and abuse in the relationship. The relative isolation of LGBTQ people can also make them more willing to accept further isolating tactics of narcissistic abusers while being reluctant to seek forms of support outside the relationship when abuse occurs. 

4. Lack of Representation/Models

Media representations of dating, physical and sexual intimacy, and romantic love are overwhelmingly heterosexual, leaving LGBTQ people with few nuanced, healthy models of queer experience. As is true for any marginalized population, whether it be women, racial and ethnic minorities, or differently abled or neuroatypical individuals, lack of visibility and representation are profound social deprivations for LGBTQ people that instill a sense of foreshortened future, or an inability to visualize positive outcomes for one’s future self. 

5. Family Scapegoating

Most people have narcissistic family members in their extended family if not their immediate one. Shaming, bullying, and ostracizing LGBTQ children is a common behavior of narcissistic adults, with devastating consequences. Queer-identified people who have experienced narcissistic abuse within their own families are at risk for accepting abuse dynamics in their teen and adult relationships.   

Ways to Support LGBTQ People and Relationships

  1. Acknowledge queer identity and queer relationships in your family and social circles.  
  2. Reach out to LGBTQ people and show your support. 
  3. Include LGBTQ family and community members and their partners as you would any others. Involve them in conversations, plans, and social events. 
  4. Educate yourself about queer experience and the challenges LGBTQ people face every day.
  5. Challenge your own prejudice about LGBTQ people and relationships.  
  6. Challenge prejudice in your social circle against LGBTQ people and relationships.  

Ways to Support Your LGBTQ Child

  1. Encourage ongoing communication about emotions, identity, and social challenges.
  2. Be curious about their experience and perspective. 
  3. Help connect them with positive queer representations and role models.
  4. Be alert to depression and bullying.
  5. Discuss and encourage healthy boundaries.
  6. Get to know their friends and dating partners.
  7. Educate them about narcissism and patterns of neglect and abuse in relationships. 
  8. Help them navigate misogynistic, heterosexist, and body-shaming messaging on social media.  

The Gift of Being Different

Many people are different in some way(s) from prevailing norms. Our differences help us develop empathy and look critically at the foolishness that passes for conventional wisdom in human society. With awareness and support from others, our differences are often what we come to cherish most in ourselves and those we love. 

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Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. 

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic trauma recovery coaching to clients around the world.

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Featured image by Julie L. Hall.