Forgiveness is often touted as the holy grail of healing. Indeed, releasing anger and resentment toward someone who has hurt us can be freeing. But when it comes to forgiving narcissistic parents, the impulse to forgive too soon is treacherous terrain that can lead to further harm.

Because our ability in childhood to attach to our parents represents survival, if our parents hurt us, we are psychologically wired to forgive them, downplay or deny the harm, and blame ourselves for the problems in the relationship. The drive to stay connected to our parents is a powerful lifelong imperative even when they are violating our trust. And this is the challenge for adult children of narcissistic parents: overcoming the forgiveness trap that compels us to ignore or excuse the abuse and continue to seek resolution with the unrepentant abuser.

9 Dangerous Excuses We Make for Forgiving Our Narcissistic Parent(s)

Here are common excuses adult children make for forgiving narcissistic parents, compounding their trauma. Do you recognize any of these forms of denial in yourself?

1. Children tend to unfairly blame their parents.

As discussed, children are psychologically predisposed to deny abuse to preserve the idea that their parents are loving and good, even when they are not. This is why coming out of denial about parental abuse can take decades, if it happens at all. The notion that children are prone to unfairly criticize and blame their parents is a misread of human psychology and a lie perpetrated by adults who wish not to be held accountable.

2. We all make mistakes.

Yes, we all make mistakes, but child neglect and abuse is not a mistake. It is a long-term, intentional pattern of profound harm that narcissistic parents rationalize through grandiosity, blame, denial, lies, projection, and scapegoating.

3. My parent(s) suffered in childhood.

Many people suffer in childhood, including you. Even if you believe your parents’ narcissism is something they can’t help (it is; they just don’t want to), this is not a reason to allow them to continue to traumatize you.

4. My parents made sacrifices for me.

By definition, having a child involves sacrifices. That is the contract of parenthood. Even the most abusive parents usually feed, clothe, and shelter their kids. The fact that your parents have done things for you does not excuse their abuse or mean that you owe them forgiveness.

5. I can be the bigger person.

Having narcissistic parents means you already have been required to be “the bigger person” in countless ways throughout childhood when you were not developmentally ready to be. You have experienced ongoing exploitation, rage, neglect, and boundary violations that have undermined your self-esteem, your identity development, your mental and physical well-being, and your ability to have healthy, reciprocal adult relationships. Continuing to try to be the bigger person with your parents or other abusers in your life will only block recovery and add to your trauma.

6. It wasn’t real abuse because it wasn’t physical.

Abuse takes many forms, and most abuse between humans is not overtly physical. Emotional abuse is the gift that keeps on giving because it is much harder to recognize and call out, particularly for a child conditioned to accept such treatment. Belittlement, exclusion, harsh teasing, insults, sarcasm, underhanded compliments, rage outbursts, gaslighting, enmeshment, silent treatment, direct or implied comparison, pity plays, guilt-tripping, and many other forms of emotional abuse, particularly coming from a parent, have devastating consequences.

7. They can’t control themselves.

Narcissistic people can and do control their behavior when they are motivated to do so. The very nature of the personality type is a winning outward persona designed to conceal hostility, competitive dominance, and ruthless self-interest.

8. My kids need grandparents.

Yes, your kids would benefit from having loving grandparents, just as you would from having loving parents. But unless your parents have undergone real change, they will behave the same way with their grandchildren as they did with you. Narcissistic grandparents play favorites and scapegoats, manipulate with money and gifts, triangulate and alienate family members, and the list goes on.

9. They don’t mean to hurt me.

Of course they do. People with narcissistic personalities are relationally antagonistic and believe they are superior to others and entitled to do what they want, particularly with their children. It makes them feel better about themselves to make you feel bad. It may even delight them to do so. You telling yourself otherwise keeps you coming back for more abuse and exposing your family to it as well.

Genuine Forgiveness

True forgiveness is an internal experience that is not about the person who hurt us. Rather, it is a state of peace and acceptance about the scars we carry that allows us to let go of the hurt and move on. Before we can truly forgive and let go, we must release our excuses and denial and acknowledge the reality of our vulnerability and suffering. Only then can we walk through the fire and come out on the other side.

Listen to Julie’s audio course Understanding Narcissism for half the cost of a coaching session.

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. 

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic trauma recovery coaching to clients around the world.

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Photo courtesy of pingpao/Adobe Stock.

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