People with narcissistic personalities are relational antagonists who compulsively undercut others to gain a sense of control and superiority. Even when they are shining an idealizing light on someone, it is a form of manipulation—through flattery and praise—, which can (and will) turn on a dime into contempt.

As a society, we don’t like to admit that parents are capable of this behavior with their children, but the fact remains that parental abuse and neglect are part of the human condition, and narcissists are precisely the kind of people who hurt and traumatize others, particularly the most vulnerable. 

Interpreting Narcissistic Behavior 

When interpreting narcissistic behavior, it is important to understand that narcissists exist in society and in families like the rest of us do, and they learn to mask their jealousy, lack of empathy, selfish opportunism, and superiority complex in order to function socially. Although narcissistic parents, especially the covert ones, be may be quite skilled at concealing their cruelty and even signaling virtue to outsiders, they undermine their children as a matter of course in a multitude of ways.

13 Ways Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their Kids

Here are common ways narcissistic parents sabotage their children, which they do both intentionally and collaterally as a consequence of not caring about the damage they do:

1. Reward Compliance and Punish Dissent

Narcissistic parents reward compliance and conformity in their children through praise and privilege, and they punish free expression and differing opinion through judgment, rage, and rejection.

2. Pathologize Their Emotional Responses

One of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic parenting is the narcissist’s rage and resentment toward their children’s normal dependency needs and emotional responses, which they typically frame as selfish, weak, and/or defiant. 

3. Devalue Their Interests/Strengths

Unless their children’s interests and strengths reflect their own values or give them bragging rights, narcissistic parents ignore or actively malign their kids’ passions.

4. Normalize Rage and Shame

Profoundly traumatizing for children of narcissistic parents is living in an atmosphere of normalized rage and shame, which elicits long-term nervous system hyperactivation, interferes with healthy development, sets the stage for both acute and chronic health problems, and adds to generational trauma patterns. 

5. Play Favorites and Scapegoats

At the core of the narcissistic personality is a split between the ashamed and vulnerable interior self (which is usually kept repressed from consciousness) and the special (superior and entitled) exterior persona. As parents, narcissists typically project this inner duality onto their children, seeing one as an extension of their idealized self and another as an extension of their repressed shadow self. In homes with one child, that child may experience an ongoing roller coaster ride of idealizing and scapegoating. 

6. Alienate Their Relationships

Narcissistic parents engage in ongoing comparison, triangulation, and smear campaigns to alienate their children’s relationships with their other parent, siblings, extended family, and friends. With adult children, narcissistic parents may attempt to alienate their kids from their own children and spouse. 

7. Gaslight Their Sense of Reality

Gaslighting takes many forms, but the purpose is to undermine other people’s perceptions through lies and distortions. Narcissistic parents gaslight their kids as naturally as breathing. They do it to diminish their children’s confidence and control what they think and feel.

8. Adultify Them

It is common for narcissistic parents to push their children into adult roles to meet their own needs. Exploited children may function as therapist, problem solver, nurse, best friend, spouse, and the list goes on. 

9. Infantilize Them

In contrast to adultifying, some narcissistic parents encourage dependency and helplessness in their children to maintain control, feel needed and superior, and get attention and sympathy from others. 

10. Bail Them Out of Consequences 

Narcissistic parents often coddle and bail out their favored child(ren) from consequences as an extension of their own sense of special entitlement and/or because it’s easier for themselves. 

11. Abandon Them in Times of Need

On the flip side of coddling, narcissistic parents may abandon their kids, even the golden child, in times of vulnerability and genuine need because they see it as weakness, don’t care enough to be bothered to get involved, and/or enjoy their suffering. 

12. Don’t Teach Them Life Skills

Unless teaching their kids makes them feel important, narcissistic parents neglect their children’s need to learn life skills that will empower their growth, confidence, and independence. And, adding insult to injury, they often harshly judge their children for their resulting difficulties with coping as teens and adults. 

13. Manipulate Them Financially

For most people money represents survival, and narcissistic parents use it to control their children through gifts, payouts, and inheritance, which may be by turns dangled as a carrot, granted lavishly, or withheld. 

Breaking the Cycle

Yes, narcissistic personalities make dreadful, dangerous, and traumatizing parents, but that doesn’t stop them from having kids. (It also doesn’t mean they lack all redeeming qualities; most narcissists pass along some good things with the bad.) So what do we do with the narcissists among us? We can’t change them. But we can educate our kids about narcissism, trauma, and emotional literacy to help them help themselves and break the cycle for the next generations. That means each of us must do our part. 

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. 

Listen to Julie’s audio course Understanding Narcissism for half the cost of a coaching session.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic trauma recovery coaching to clients around the world.

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