Listen to Julie discuss this article in detail in her interview on Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Many of us are familiar with the narcissistic personality’s classic traits such as grandiosity, callousness, and trigger-happy rage, but there are other things narcissists do often mistaken for individual personality quirks that are actually explainable aspects of pathological narcissism.
See if you recognize these weird things narcissists do and the reasons behind them:
1. They fat-shame. From judging you about your weight and eating habits, to controlling your food choices and portions, to eating food off your plate, narcissists have funky food issues relating to body image, shame, and control.
2. They walk ahead of you. They literally walk in front of you or way ahead because they’re so impatient and/or need to show their kingly/queenly superiority.
3. They value the opinions of strangers over family. They are always looking for the next new person to idealize as a source of validation and status while devaluing those close to them because reality disappoints and any club that would have them is no longer of interest.
4. They speak in an affected way. They speak in a theatrical, haughty, or otherwise self-important way to get attention and convey their exceptionalism. Some even adopt an accent.
5. They’re weird about gift-giving. Their self-centeredness and manipulativeness lead them to
- not give you anything at all;
- give or regift cheap or random things that are meant to devalue you or show they have no idea or concern for what you need/like;
- give you things they would want that you have no use for;
- give excessively to show how thoughtful/generous/tasteful they are, particularly when trying to ingratiate themselves;
- buy one for you and one for themselves; and/or
- attach strings to your gift.
6. They’re prone to conspiracy theories. They, particularly covert narcissists, view themselves as victims and project their envy, paranoia, cynicism, and bankrupt motives onto others.
7. They admire totalitarian leaders. They respect dominance, view people hierarchically, and believe in an entitled class lording over the worthless masses.
8. They don’t answer questions directly. This keeps you off guard while allowing them to avoid responsibility.
9. They rewrite history. They interpret events according to how they need to see things rather than as they are, and the past is open season for distortions, omissions, and outright lies.
10. They traumatize you before your important events. Whether you’re graduating, having an audition, or getting married, they need to make it all about them and sabotage you.
11. They sleep with and/or stay in touch with your ex. Does your father still keep in touch with your ex wife/husband? Did your mother have a “special” relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Did your ex sleep with your best friend? To hell with boundaries; what a perfect way to feel superior and in control while humiliating you.
12. They interrupt. In particular overt narcissists feel compelled to dominate the conversation; are easily bored because they miss nuance and lack empathy; have low impulse control; think they have more important things to say than you do; and believe they have greater entitlement to speak.
13. They show poor sportsmanship. When they win, they gloat because they feel superior. And when they lose, they pitch a fit, pout, make excuses, or challenge the outcome because their self-worth is on the line.
14. They’re too involved or not involved enough when you need help. You know this one: They get angry at you and/or abandon you when you’re sick, hurt, or in trouble because it’s a pain in their a** and they really don’t care. Or they use your illness/misfortune to get attention for being a long-suffering victim/saint great humanitarian.
15. They see things naively. Yes, they’re cynical and often calculating and sneaky, but their simplistic black-and-white thinking, compulsion to deny reality, and need to idealize certain types of people can make them childlike and naive about life, love, and human behavior.
Listen to Julie discuss this article in detail in her interview on Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast from December 2021.
Listen to Julie’s audio course Understanding Narcissism from Himalaya Learning for free with code JULIE.
Julie is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- The Narcissist’s Antagonistic Attachment: Subjugation, Competition, and Parasitism
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
Image courtesy of Giuseppe Milo at Creative Commons.
20 Comments
Great information. Covers my father or (mostly) my mother. This speaks to me more than the “classic” traits because my mother has always been really brilliant at presenting herself as very normal, loving, non-grandiose. Which is true until I actually need something which doesn’t fit into her category of what she will give. Such as a genuine two-way conversation.
My sister is an abusive narc. I set no contact boundaries with her. Now some of these apply to her. Interrupting, walking ahead, shaming etc. No contact for 9 years and counting.
My father was definitely weird about gift giving. I never received a birthday present or even a phone call on my birthday. He was also super weird about spending money on anything but himself and wouldn’t pay bills (like water rates or property tax) until he received a notice of pending legal action.
My ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD and I concluded that my next ex suffers NPD. It’s striking how similar their symptoms are. In particular, they had items 8, 9 and 10 from your list in common. The overlap can make it difficult to differentiate between Cluster B personality disorders. It seems like it’s a sliding scale than can be in flux.
Hi Julie. I agree with all these! My Dad used to walk so far ahead when we were children, we’d literally be running to keep up!
I like your point about nativity. This isn’t mentioned much in relation to narcissists. I’ve also noticed that most are total suckers for a compliment. They can easily be manipulated once a few compliments are thrown in!
This was the very best read about Narcissism !! It was so exact & I thank you so much for clarifying what I need to do now & I definitely THANK GOD for leading me to this information 💗- my eldest narcissistic bro & his newly found narcissistic ” friend ” began treating my elderly loving father that was already in his 90’s & had dementia badly right in front of me while the rest of my siblings were well aware of what was going on but looked the other way I immediately stood up to defend my poor father I am the youngest & apparently the scapegoat which I now know ,and although I have always stood up to steve & refused to ever allow him to control my parents or myself that day I almost had to physically fight them both as my dad just sat there looking terrified steve has lived with my dad alll of his 69 years with dad rent free & pretty much had already taken control of the household so they threw me out & the next day I was served at work with a no trespassing order from my dads house !! I was so devastated because dad & I have always been close & I knew I was his only protector ! That that really broke me cuz I felt so helpless because I knew what dad was about to endure so I went to the local authorities & APS but no one would even listen to me much less help me as this nightmare went on for 4 years I would have welfare cks done & he would convince the cops that my dad was so happy with him & I’m sure my dad would lie for him because his life was in Steve’s hands . I became so very desperate& depressed that I started to feel so worthless for letting my dad down & not being able to even call him cuz steve wouldn’t answer or would say dad was busy and couldn’t go see dad cuz of the no trespass order I even asked the cops to make him show them proof that it hadn’t expired but nope they just would not do it I by that point was carrying so much hurt anger & hatred towards all my brothers who just took his side of whatever lie he had told them until one night as I was praying to GOD & SOBBING AND PLEADING WITH GOD ABOUT WHY THIS WAS ALL HAPPENING ? I ENDED UP GOING THRU AN AWAKENING THAT NIGHT & THAT WAS THE VERY FIRST TIME THAT I HEARD OF THE NARCISSIST SO I BEGAN RESEARCHING & THEN I SUDDENLY KNEW WHAT GOD WAS PROMPTING ME TO DO ,SO I WENT TO THEIR HOUSE AND ASKED STEVE FOR FORGIVENESS TELLING HIM WHAT HE WANTED TO HEAR SO THAT I WOULD BE ALLOWED BACK INTO MY DADS LIFE & IT WORKED I FINALLY WAS ABLE TO BREATH AGAIN & I WAS SO FILLED WITH JOY TO SEE MY DAD AGAIN BUT OF COURSE MY JOY WAS SHORT LIVED AS DAD WOULD SAY TO ME AS HE LOOKED AT STEVE THAT HE DIDNT HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS CUZ STEVE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS WILL8NG TO CARE FOR HIM ! BOY THAT HURT ME SO DEEPLY BUT I KNEW BY THAT POINT THAT I COULD NOT SHOW ANY EMOTIONS SO I SOMEHOW WAS ABLE TO CONTINUE TO GO SEE DAD & VERY QUICKLY STARTED TO SEE HOW CONTROLLED & ISOLITED DAD HAD BEEN FOR THOSE 4 YEARS ! I TRIED TURNING ON THE TV BUT STEVE SAID “WE” DONT DO TGAT ANYMORE AND DAD HAD TO GO TO BED @6PM SO HE WOULD WATCH THE CLOCK AS IF HE DID NOT WANT TO MESS UP & I WAS ALWAYS TAKING DAD ALL HIS FAVORITE SNACKS & GOODIES THAT HE LIKED OR I WOULD COOK HIS FAV MEALS & TAKE THEM TO HIM ONKY TO BE MET AT THE DOOR & TOLD YHAT DAD WASNT HUNGRY ! BUT BEING A STUBBORN LIL CAPPY GOAT I WOULD ASK DAD IF HE WOULD LIKE SONE OF WHATEVER & DAD WOULD BE SO ANXIOUS AS IF HE WAS STARVING SO I WOULD DISOBEY STEVES ORDERS & SIT THERE WITH DAD UNTIL HE WAS FINISHED ALTHOUGH STEVE WOULD MANAGE TO GRAB SOME THINGS RIGHT OUT OF DADS HANDS VERY RUDELY & I THOUGHT OH DAM HERE WE GO AGAIN ! & WONDERED IF I SHOULD JUST COMPLY SO THAT I WOULDNT GET THROW OUT OF DADS LIFE AGAIN Or say something in dads defense so I asked steve why dad wasnt allowed to eat & I was told that he didnt want him eating after 3pm so that he wouldnt have to be changing dads diapers all night so I said I understood & left but when I returned home I called dads hospice facility & told them what was happening only to be ignored no one would return my calls.
My dilemma is after dad died on 2-2-20 & received a copy of his NEW WILL THAT THEY HAD CHANGED SEVERAL TIMES & BOUGHT THEMSELVES MOBILE HOMES & SPENT ALL OF MY INHERITANCE ON THEMSELVES & SOLD DADS HOUSE WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE WHICH WASNT THEIRS TO SELL I NOW HAVE TO FIND A LAWYER TO FIGHT ALL THREE OF MY BROTHERS & OR SUE MY OTHER BROTHER WHO WAS THE EXECUTER OF DADS ESTATE FOR ALLOWING STEVE WHO WAS A DIAGNOSED NPD LONG AGO TO CARE FOR MY DAD IN THE FIRST PLACE & IM TRYING TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO THRU THIS FOR DADS SAKE & TO FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE ALTHOUGH IM NOT FEELING VERY CONFIDENT BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE TIMES THAT NO ONE WOULD EVEN LISTEN MUCH LESS UNDERSTAND THE BOTTOM LINE ! SO IM ASKING FOR YOUR HELP IF YOU KNOW OF A GOOD ATTORNEY OR IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME PLEASE I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH SINCE IT WILL JUST BE ME AGAINST THEM FOR I DONT HAVE ANY SUPPORT ??! THANKS TO YOUR ARTICLE I DO KNOW 100% THAT I ABSOLUTLY HAVE TO DO THIS ! PLEASE HELP & THANK YOU FOR ALL THE INSIGHTFUL INFO THAT YOU HAVE PROVIDED TODAY – GOD BLESS YOU💥
It always amazes me how many of these behaviors are common among NPD sufferers. I tend to not speak or comment on these types of things because I still can’t believe I missed the red flags and am now trapped in a relationship with a malignant narcissist. I have dealt with the walking way ahead although I interpreted it to be that they didn’t want anyone to make an association between us and therefore remain open for new sources of supply. I’ve also dealt with the speaking with an accent, most often when I’m upset and this was his way of invalidating my emotional pain, mocking me. What I’m trying so hard to understand is how, when I am acutely aware of what he is and what he is doing, how is it that I can still be so in love with someone who has presented himself as a monster in my life? I bear the scars from emotional and physical abuse at his hands and yet I cannot seem to disconnect. Is it possible? Is there any hope to live a normal life after this?
Look up Trauma bonding and go no contact ASAP
[…] Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained […]
Gosh, this article is like a tick list of someone I know. It describes them absolutely. I had my suspicions and now I am more confident than ever that absolute no contact is the way to go. I went through each point saying yep, yep, yep… for comparison and to check for confirmation bias I also ran a couple of my friends through the list. They got nope nope nope… 😉 Thank you to the author here.
So true !
I just ended a relationship with a covert narcissist. There were many things about Sarah that struck me as very odd, and some of those things are what made her attractive to me. The attractive: I can easily pick her out of a crowd of hundreds of women from 2 blocks away. She dresses in a very unique way that doesn’t follow typical rules of style or color matching, and seems very comfortable and confident about her appearance. Many compliment her on her clothing ensemble, not because it’s something they would like to wear but mostly because it stands out in a very eclectic way. I liked that she dressed as she pleased and didn’t care if some people gave her funny looks.
She follows a very strict diet of raw foods. Green drinks for breakfast that often include things she foraged from nearby like dandelions, fern tips, nettles, devil’s club, etc. She wanted me to follow the diet as well, and I did to a degree, but things like pizza and bacon are always hard to pass up, and the diet is only worth following if everything is raw. My snacking on non-raw food disappointed her, but didn’t make her angry.
The things I never understood or drove me crazy manifested mostly when she was drinking, which was a daily habit, but when she was sober she was an amazing woman and so easy to love. Once a few beers got into her, the weird and aggravating would come out. She would constantly interrupt me in mid sentence as though she were commenting on what I was saying, but her comment was completely unrelated and often a story that I had already heard dozens of times. When I’d point out this rude way of communicating to her, it was like she didn’t understand the difference between a good interruption (when you make a short comment allowing the speaker to know you understand, that you follow what they’re saying) and an interruption that hijacks the conversation and changes the subject so you have to sit through 5 minutes of “daddy was a mean man” for the hundredth time. She couldn’t see how anyone would take that as “ok, this person doesn’t give a shit about what I’m sharing, and they have a rude way of making it understood.” I would occasionally interrupt her in the same way to show her how it feels and she would explode. Another communication breakdown would be when I’d ask her a question and she’d answer with something completely unrelated.
Matt: “Sarah, what time is it?”
Sarah: “It’s in the corner behind the bedroom door.”
I had to contain my laughter when one time she was gaslighting me while pointing a finger at me and saying “you’re gaslighting me!” Most of the things she complained about that I was doing wrong were very clearly projections of her own failures.
She had a very elastic sense of time. I would be gone shopping for half an hour and come home to her being angry because I was gone for four hours. I would point out the time I left, the time on the grocery receipt, and the current time on the clock, proving that not even an hour had passed. If she saw it was true she would drop the subject, but later bring it up again saying I was gone for four hours and who was I with? She always suspected me of seeing someone else even though there was never a time I could have because we were always together, and when we were apart she was always calling me.
Sarah is a very beautiful woman and when she was in the room I couldn’t help but stare at her and I often commented on how good she looked. She would always reply with how ugly some part of her was, or think I was saying that just to be nice. I thought maybe I should compliment her less, and then she thought I wasn’t attracted to her anymore. She always seemed to have a foot in the door of our relationship while she would accuse me of wanting to leave her. I was constantly doing things to make it clear that I loved her intensely but it never convinced her. The slightest disagreement between us would end up with her saying “maybe we shouldn’t be together.” This really bothered me because over time it was like our relationship was always on the rocks even though I was completely in love with her and doing everything I could to make that evident.
One thing I noticed about women in past relationships was they had this amazing ability to repeat something I said word for word correctly even though I had said it a month ago. Not Sarah. She would repeat something I said a minute ago and it would be nothing like what I said and often the very opposite.
She never apologized once for a single thing she did that hurt me. Even if I asked “are you going to say you’re sorry?” She would say nothing. She did say she was sorry once, but only after I pretty much demanded that she say it, and of course that is not a real apology.
Sarah got into the car once and found me in tears sobbing. She asked what was wrong. I had just found out that an ex girlfriend had committed suicide by stepping in front of a train. I was horrified and terribly hurt because I had talked to her a month earlier when I ran into her at the bank, and I could tell she wasn’t doing very well. When I said goodbye to her she reached out for a hug, and I embraced her. She held onto me for a long time in silence. Then we both started laughing because we realized it must have looked funny to everyone else because we were standing in line hugging each other. That was my last moment with her and I walked away thinking I should get hold of her because it was very clear she was not her usual sunny self but more like a wrung out shadow of the woman I knew. I told Sarah that I felt awful, I felt terribly guilty for not reaching out to her. I knew I probably would not have changed things, but the fact that I didn’t try cut me very deeply. Then I heard Sarah start crying with me. I looked over at her and it was very obviously a lame attempt to show empathy. Her fake crying was so poorly done it felt like she was mocking me. She saw that I was looking at her and tried even harder to squeeze out some tears. Then she started wailing about how her dad was mean to her and he hit her with a radio alarm clock once. I couldn’t believe it. It was obvious that she had no idea how stupid she looked, and how moronic and insidious she was for hijacking my pain just for a show of alligator tears.
These are examples of the worst of Sarah. We also had plenty of wonderful times together, and that was usually when there was no alcohol in the picture. She loved to be held and kissed, and she never held back on complimenting me and letting me know how much I meant to her, which is not a very narcissistic thing to do. I would describe her as a lightly covert narcissist, one that can be saved with some help from a good therapist. Even though we are apart now, I still have an immense amount of love for her that I cannot just switch off, and I care enough that I want her to understand her condition, how it got started, why she drinks, and why she has an undeservedly low opinion of herself. It’s just how do I get her to look into this and recognize what’s going on without the narcissist getting in the way? She’s a beautiful soul with some tough problems to overcome, and she deserves a chance. What can I do?
Another thing a narcissist will do is find reasons to complain about a gift you give him, how thoughtless or useless or even harmful it is, no matter how much he actually likes it. He may even throw it in the trash in front of you and everybody else, feigning disgust.
My mother has not been diagnosed, but I found myself crying at the end. There is not a single one of the items on your list that does not apply to her. But I will add entitlement. She feels entitled to my money, my time, my emotions, and even to my job. A better position opened up at my company and somehow she convinced me to submit her resume instead of my own…and now I work with her. Because aren’t those narcissists charming to others??
Inability to accept responsibility or accountability is a hallmark of npd. Everything is your fault, everything, blaming and gaslighting. The npd always plays the victim. That would be the central and constant theme in a relationship with an npd. This alone makes any relationship impossible.
This is so right on the money and so encouraging! Thank you! U r spot on!
This fits my mother exactly. On my 18th birthday she gave me a cheap package of underwear. It was obviously a “statement” of how little I meant to her. When my sisters and I were little she would give us a long list of things she wanted us to buy her for her birthday, Mother’s Day, or Christmas even though we had no money. When we found ways to earn money and managed to buy her a present she always made a big production out of acting really disappointed because it wasn’t expensive enough. She would dramatically toss it aside and make a face. Yet we gave her more expensive presents than she gave us.
Instead of walking ahead of me, my mother has perfected The Slow Walk. Years ago, when my father was still alive, we went out to eat. He went charging into the restaurant without waiting for us and I started walking in with my mother. She was walking very, very slowly and we finally made it inside. After thinking things over, I realized they were just going at each other and i didn’t want to become involved. The next time we went out to eat, I started walking normally and told her I would see her inside. She kept up with me that time.
Years after Dad was gone, I visited her in July. I’m not used to southern heat and sun anymore and so we had to leave the beach one day because i was getting heatstroke. We didn’t let the heat wave stop us completely and went out to other places during my visit. Twice she pulled The Slow Walk on me. It was only the short distance from a parking lot to inside a store. Still, there’s no way I would treat someone like that during a severe heat wave that had already made them
sick a couple of times.
It’s one of the reasons I’ve gone no contact with no regrets.
My husband and I couldn’t figure out what was going on with our now daughter-in-law when our son first started dating her. She would constantly whisper to our son; her whole family will text each other sitting in the same room and leave us out of conversation. She would tolerate our visits for a few minutes and then stomp off to her room and slam the door. Our son would chase off after her. Twice we’ve moved them; the last time last week…she would lay in the bedroom and not help at all. She packed her clothes and make-up for her trip to her family. She won’t speak to anyone except simple answers and then stop engagement. Now she’s resorted to what I call the Mona Lisa smile and then glare at me when I ask her something or attempt to say something to her and then she’ll breeze on by. For the past few years, she won’t participate at all when at our home….she will stay up in their bedroom at our home for days at a time only coming down to eat; won’t lift a finger to help wash dishes, do their laundry, nothing. Our son runs back and forth, up and down; occasionally coming down to report what is wrong (only if I ever ask. She’s now pregnant!) I’ve tried to love her, welcome her, buy her nice things, (which I never get a thank-you for anything we ever do.) I never hear from her on special occasions, deaths of family members, etc…..Our son is constantly making excuses for her when we’ve attempted to express our concerns re: her behaviors especially when she is rude to us and our friends she’s met (often); when we feel unwelcome (whenever we visit. She burst into tears the first time we moved them and told me she wanted me to leave.) Our son is an incredible young man and he’s a wreck when we’re all together. He’s now exhibiting signs of severe stress…exploding if it’s perceived I’m slighting her; lecturing them….I could just be chatty, I try to stay on weather, food, movies….but she very obviously hates it when we’re talking and laughing; storming off upstairs. Now I’m told she doesn’t like being with us, “it’s too explosive around here.” Our son is the one who is now exploding. She is very demanding when it comes to spending time with her family and my husband had to drive them several hundred miles through an ice storm and we all had Covid because she threw a fit to be home by Christmas. It was the day before Christmas Eve last year. Our pipes froze and were threatening to burst, lights flickering, interstates were shut down with wrecks…and she didn’t care. I have finally set some boundaries around her behavior in our home, suggesting to our son that they need professional help. Since she doesn’t want to participate in our family maybe she needs to further limit exposure to us….she rarely comes to visit when he comes anyway. I believe we are losing our son and he’s losing himself. She’s pregnant now; he’s getting his PhD in July; has a new job; just bought a house…and I am so worried for him and the grandchild. We were always so close and the only family he has; his support network is being destroyed by her. She acts so timid, shy….no one would ever suspect. A few of my friends do…they’ve received her ire if they dare to show up when she’s here. I am absolutely devastated; a total wreck and grieving for my beautiful son. I may never see my grandchild.
When people spend an hour writing a public comment about someone they know intimately, you can bet it’s for a good reason. My comment is about my mother who started fat-shaming me at 12 yrs old. I was entering puberty, starting to get curves, and still weighed less than 110 pounds at 5’2″. It never stopped, and here I am at 65. What’s worse, it wasn’t long till I started fat-shaming myself and developed an eating disorder, followed by a lifetime of food-policing. After I got a divorce and she said maybe I should have married a fat man who would have loved me, that was the last straw. For the first time, I confronted her, she backed down and apologized, and picked up where she’d left off the next day. So I got maybe 6 waking hours of basking in the glow of an apology that meant nothing. I don’t even bother with the other narcissists in my life. The first year of the pandemic, I cut myself free of all of them — family, friends, church associates. Better all the way around. Lonely sometimes, yes, but it could be (has been) worse.