When we think of the narcissistic personality it is typically the flamboyant person in the room dominating the conversation and basking in the limelight, but there is another less obvious type: the covert narcissist.

Compared to the overt, the covert narcissist lacks the brash confidence to seek public attention and perform for the crowd, preferring to stay on the sidelines where s/he feels less exposed to possible criticism and humiliation. But although the covert narcissist is harder to spot in a crowd, s/he is just as selfish, entitled, and manipulative as the overt variety.

Whether bold bullies or shrinking violets, narcissists have well-honed survival skills that depend on controlling and exploiting others. Both the overt and covert narcissist lacks empathy and has delusions of grandeur that scaffold a gaping sense of worthlessness. Both compulsively manipulate and denigrate others. And both types use denial, blame, guilt, gaslighting, and other manipulations to serve their need to control the narrative and feel superior.

While all narcissists share basic profound inadequacies and compensatory strategies, their tactics differ depending on the persona they are most comfortable with.

General Narcissist Traits

  1. Lack empathy—awareness of or concern for the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others
  2. Have delusions of grandeur and react bitterly if their delusions are threatened or dashed
  3. Manipulate others as a means of control
  4. Are intolerant of criticism and in response will lash out or seek revenge
  5. Never genuinely apologize or take responsibility for their actions
  6. Lie to themselves and others to support their delusions
  7. Rationalize their words and actions, no matter how inappropriate, false, rude, or cruel
  8. Punish others who cross or deprive them of what they believe they deserve
  9. Divide and conquer within families
  10. Scapegoat and/or idealize certain people within their sphere to control

Overt Narcissist Traits

  1. Compulsively attract attention to themselves, positive or negative
  2. Demand admiration and agreement and without it react with impatience or rage
  3. Charm and flatter with false intimacy those they wish to impress
  4. Study a room for the most vulnerable and attack to display their superiority
  5. Are arrogant and haughty, especially with those they view as underlings
  6. Are given to rages far beyond normal anger, including physical violence
  7. View others as competitors to be defeated and humiliated
  8. Ridicule, mock, and denigrate others in games of one upmanship
  9. Project entitlement and expect special treatment
  10. Can turn on and turn off at will charm, interest, and attention depending on their motives

Covert Narcissist Traits 

  1. Behave passive-aggressively to get their way
  2. Are smug, insensitive, and withholding
  3. Seek out caretaker personality types to exploit
  4. Cry on cue and manipulate through self-pitying performances
  5. Have delusions of victimization and persecution
  6. Will stage a crisis to gain attention
  7. Exaggerate suffering and sickness to garner sympathy
  8. Have a long history of depression and anxiety
  9. Habitually drain their partner/family emotionally and often monetarily
  10. Blame their problems and failures on “unfair” people, institutions, and circumstances

[Preston Ni, 2016; Lina W. Baker, 2015]

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Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free, coming December 3, 2019, from Hachette Books, now available for preorder. She is working on a memoir about life, and a few near deaths, in a narcissistic family. 

Need help? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.

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Images courtesy of Kevin Simpson, Maquillage2012, elizaIO, and sophie & cie.