Although narcissists are a popular topic these days, lies about narcissism persist in our “common wisdom” about relationships, families, and social institutions. The lies we tell ourselves and our children may seem reassuring or convenient, but they enable abusers and perpetuate trauma at all levels of society.

7 Lies About Narcissism We Tell Ourselves

1. False: Narcissism is uncommon. 

Narcissism is all around us, and we all know narcissists. They are in our businesses, our churches, our health care systems, our schools, our government, our neighborhoods, and our families. Narcissists are fathers, mothers, siblings, grandparents, friends, pastors, doctors, therapists, judges, lawyers, teachers, coaches, entertainers, and politicians. Narcissism crosses all categories of country, culture, class, and creed. It is one of the great themes of art and literature and the main source of conflict in many of our films and television programs. 

2. False: Talk of narcissism is sensationalized hype. 

Narcissism is not new, not a fad, and not empty, exaggerated, or hysterical hype. A person with a narcissistic personality has profound developmental deficits and an oppositional personality structure. Narcissism and its most extreme form, sociopathy, are characterized by reactivity, a lack of self-reflection and emotional empathy, black-and-white thinking, compulsive denial and projection, distorted and grandiose self-beliefs, and an ongoing need to bolster the self by controlling, dominating, and degrading others. 

3. False: Narcissists aren’t in my family. 

Narcissism is part of the human condition, and most families have people who are narcissistic. They may or may not be in your immediate family, but they are most certainly in your extended family and/or ancestry.

4. False: We don’t know what causes narcissism. 

For sociopolitical reasons, the psychological community has been slow to acknowledge that the primary cause of narcissistic personality disorder and other personality disorders is attachment trauma in childhood. There are always genetic and epigenetic factors in personality development, but insecure attachment is what gives rise to the unstable self-esteem, emotional alienation, lack of individuation, and grandiose compensations that drive narcissism. Parenting that leads to insecure attachment in childhood does not necessarily look like obvious abuse or neglect; it often shows up as enmeshment, indulgence, lack of boundaries, overpraising, and idealizing.

5. False: Narcissism is easy to spot. 

Narcissistic behavior is sometimes obvious, particularly in its more flagrantly domineering and attention-seeking form. But most of the time, narcissism is cloaked. A defining feature of the narcissistic personality is a well-developed public persona designed to ingratiate, persuade, seduce, influence, win favor, and otherwise pass as benign. Narcissists conceal their selfishness, cruelty, and contempt for others for the simple reason that they would be called out and ostracized if they didn’t. Typically it is only those closest to narcissists who see their unmasked rage and antagonism. And with the cunningly covert narcissist, it can take family members decades (if ever) to see it for what it is.

6. False: Narcissists don’t intentionally hurt others. 

Narcissists do intentionally hurt others. They are exactly the type of people who deliberately hurt others or who don’t care if they hurt others in the pursuit of what they want. Like the rest of us, narcissists know right from wrong, and they know when they’re doing harm. The narcissistic personality is a perfect storm for abuse. Repeat: Narcissists have an ongoing need to bolster the self by controlling, dominating, and degrading others. 

7. False: We’re all narcissistic.

By virtue of having our own brain and body and the need to self-advocate, each of us can be prone to some narcissistic patterns. When under stress we may, for example, lapse into childhood defenses of denial or projection, manipulate to get something we want, or judge someone who appears different from us.

Pathological narcissism, by contrast, involves a lifelong pattern of neglectful and abusive behavior toward others, with a devastating impact on the abused. Driven by a desire to control, outdo, exploit, and humiliate others, narcissists compulsively distort reality, leverage vulnerability, violate boundaries, and project and blame-shift their own abuse onto those they abuse. They elicit a fear response, ranging from subtle to intense, in those around them, creating ongoing hyperarousal in family members that results in debilitating complex trauma, often perpetuated across generations. Complex trauma impedes healthy brain development and nervous system functioning, weakens immune response, lowers emotional and physical resilience, and leads to degraded health and lowered life expectancy. 

Conclusion

These dangerous lies about narcissism lead people to misinterpret or overlook the disorder, to excuse and enable the behaviors that accompany it, and to miss or dismiss its impact. When we fail to acknowledge the destructive reality of narcissism, our families, institutions, and society at large suffer. We become inured to the patterns of abuse and fail to oppose it or, even worse, we gaslight and abandon the victims.

By recognizing and acknowledging that narcissism is pervasive even in our own families and communities, that it stems from insecure attachment, that it is intentionally masked, that it shows up at all levels of society, and that it induces debilitating trauma in those around it, we can create interventions to help prevent its emergence, protect and support family members, and safeguard our social groups and institutions.  

Julie L. Hall is the author of  The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. 

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic trauma recovery coaching to clients around the world.

Related Articles by Julie L. Hall