Published on The Huffington Post 3/01/2017 If you are a caring compassionate person, it is natural to feel sorry for others who suffer, including the narcissist in your life. If you’re especially empathetic, it is your normal to feel others’ pain and to try to support them on the road toward peace and happiness. Taking care of others can be deeply rewarding, but it comes with risks and the need for firm boundaries. For professionals attempting to treat narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the results are very limited at best. For those living with NPD in partners or parents, day-to-day life can be painfully challenging, with no solutions in sight.
The Narcissist as Tragic Figure
The narcissist experiences disrupted attachment and defining emotional injury in early life. “Narcissistic injury” may be the result of abuse, loss, or a mixture of such deprivation with coddling/overindulgence and/or a highly sensitive nature. Fundamentally, narcissists are stuck emotionally at the approximate developmental level of a three year old, and consequently they lack the most basic ability to care about the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others. Yet, as savvy adults their powers of manipulation are off the charts. At first glance, the narcissist may appear to be a tragically sympathetic figure. But the catch, and it’s a big one, is that narcissists are pathologically selfish and often stunningly cruel.
The Pathology of Narcissism: Overt and Covert
Those with NPD aren’t just more self-centered than most of us on the human continuum. They are, in fact, severely lacking in or altogether devoid of emotional empathy and as a result are capable of terrible moral and legal crimes, all serving to prop the larger-than-life false self they have constructed to supplant their feelings of defectiveness. Whether brashly confident on the surface or passive aggressive, narcissists work continuously to convince themselves and those around them that they are superior, entitled, and above reproach. They are driven to assert their grandiose needs at the expense of others. They do not take responsibility for their words or actions. They believe they deserve special treatment. They only “give” conditionally to get back. And they utilize a wide toolkit to get their way. While their self-aggrandizing agendas come from the same pathology, narcissists of the overt type are more obviously arrogant and domineering, while covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and use passive-aggressive forms of manipulation such as guilt and pity-plays.
Narcissist Abuse Tactics
Narcissists use many strategies to get their way, assert their superiority, and avoid accountability. Here are typical narcissistic behaviors:
- criticize
- compete
- violate boundaries
- manipulate
- terrorize
- lie
- blame
- shame
- belittle
- ridicule
- deny
- project
- gaslight
- deflect
- play the victim
Reforming the Narcissist?
Have a narcissistic parent, spouse, lover, or friend? Forget right now about reforming them. It may sound harsh, but reforming someone with NPD is a debilitating delusion. Look online at narcissistic abuse recovery websites and forums, and you will discover a galaxy of hurt. And for those who share children the hurt doesn’t end with the breakup. The harm continues, even escalates, through custody battles and coparenting nightmares.
Do Not Feed the Narcissist
Narcissists are masterful at hooking people, dangling their finest bait to attract their next blood meal. The bait is typically intense idealization: excessive attentiveness and flattery; abrupt expressions of intimacy; and sudden, premature promises and declarations of love. For the impossible-to-please narcissist, devaluation follows the idealization phase. As quickly as s/he exalted you, s/he launches a litany of criticisms, complaints, and “rational” reasons for rage. But even as the narcissist’s castoff, you are likely to find that the hook in your mouth lodges deeper the more you try to free yourself.
Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
If it is not already screamingly evident, feeling sorry for the narcissist is an invitation to being abused and victimized—idealized, devalued, and rejected; or, worse, agonizingly anchored. Go ahead and feel sympathy from a distance and empathy from another continent, but do not tell yourself that you are “the one” to heal the narcissist. The narcissistic personality cannot and will never love you as you need and deserve to be loved. S/he will harm your children and larger family. In short, s/he will become your biggest regret.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. She is working on a memoir (read excerpts) about life, and few near-deaths, in a narcissistic family.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why and How Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- Waking Up to Narcissistic Abuse
- Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Damage List
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
Photos courtesy of Tim Johnson and Michael Rivera.
8 Comments
[…] Narcissists have an instinct for finding and attaching themselves to potential hosts. Such people in some way offer them status while also enabling their harshly self-serving world-view and behavior. […]
Lol so they have no hope.. so getting some therapy wouldn’t help this ? IDK if making them out to be complete monsters is really fair.
Warling94 — If you think that making a narcissist out to be a complete monster is unfair, then it’s not likely that your life has been affected by one. So you have that to be very thankful for! I assure you, they are even worse than most normal people can imagine. They rob you of your personhood, your individuality, and make your life a living hell. And, no, they are not changed by therapy because in order to change you have to first admit that there is something in your life that needs changed. They believe they are perfect and superior to everyone else. Please educate yourself so that you do not become a host for this parasitic illness!
Joanne, agreed, so much. A really excellent article from Julie too.
[…] fleeting empathy. Yet you may still love that parent. Mixed with grief and anger, you may also sympathize with your parent’s NPD. It is also possible that you are numb to your parent or too used up to […]
[…] fleeting empathy. Yet you may still love that parent. Mixed with grief and anger, you may also sympathize with your parent’s NPD. It is also possible that you are numb to your parent or too used up to […]
Hi Julia, thank you for this line that really sums it up for me: “Go ahead and feel sympathy from a distance and empathy from another continent, but do not tell yourself that you are “the one” to heal the narcissist. The narcissistic personality cannot and will never love you as you need and deserve to be loved. S/he will harm your children and larger family. In short, s/he will become your biggest regret.”
Thank you also for adding the “s/he.” I personally am dealing with a “she,” but I suspect there are a lot of readers who have male narcissists in their lives.
Thank you again, I am addicted to reading your articles because it’s sadly and truly like reading my biography.
They are innocent monster. 100 percent incapable of self awareness .