Published on The Huffington Post 3/16/17 9:38 p.m. ET. It’s not nice to call names. But when it comes to narcissists, calling them out is really a matter of survival for those dealing with their abuse, as well as for those who don’t understand the profound harm they do. All narcissists wear a mask, or false persona. And when you strip away the narcissist mask you find weakness and vulnerability that would be pitiable if it weren’t so astonishingly vicious.

The Narcissist Mask

But chances are you won’t ever remove the narcissist mask, because s/he defends it at all costs with a full arsenal of preemptive controlling tactics. Whether overvalued with excessive praise and indulgence or undervalued with neglect and/or abuse (or an impossible combination of those parenting styles), the child who takes on a narcissistic adaptation misses key developmental milestones of secure identity formation and empathy. As an adult, the narcissist is in essence an emotionally stunted child with an adult savvy for ruthless manipulating. The narcissist’s mask is what s/he wears to assert a face of superiority and entitlement to protect her-/himself from intolerable feelings of invalidation.

The Narcissist Bully

Narcissists are classic bullies. They ambush, attack without cause, and prey on the most vulnerable within their grasp, often those who love and depend on them, namely their spouse and children, who as a result carry lasting emotional and physiological trauma.

Narcissists also abuse employees, coworkers, susceptible friends, and “underlings” such as waiters and clerks. Exploiting their power over others in any way possible feeds their endless need to feel superior, and their lack of empathy gives them free range to abuse without the troubling hindrance of a conscience.

The Narcissist Coward

Many of us come out of invalidating (sometimes severely) home environments, but we do not become compassionless abusers. Narcissists are cowards who are fundamentally terrified of themselves and anyone who might see through their mask. Their driving motivation in life is to shield themselves from threatening emotions that trigger their deep-seated sense of inferiority.

Often narcissists strike and run, initiating surprise attacks and retreating before being confronted with the consequences of their rage. They also may behave passive-aggressively, cloaking their rage in self-pitying performances meant to induce guilt and blame.

Whatever hurtful tactics they use, narcissists rarely if ever take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they are masterful at denying and projecting their abuse onto others, most often those they have abused, further exacerbating the harm they do.

The Narcissist Liar

The narcissist mask is a lie designed to protect her/him from shame and self-hatred. Again, this feels like a pity plea moment, and indeed pity for narcissists is understandable, but it is dangerous territory that often leads those already victimized into a position for further abuse.

Narcissists are liars who continuously attempt to control others’ perceptions of them and, when they can’t, resort to nasty, often violent reprisal. The narcissist may cast her-/himself as a highly principled person, but in reality s/he is only concerned with her/his own needs and is too weak to face life’s truths, especially those that threaten her/his defenses. S/he may talk a good game, but when it comes to the truth, s/he stonewalls, blames and shames others, and deflects accountability.

The narcissistic mother may, for example, rage at her son for getting an A- grade instead of an A, because she feels threatened by her son’s academic success, she is angry about a fight she had with her spouse, or she is projecting a self-centered expectation of perfection onto him.

The Narcissist Fraud

Narcissists are by nature frauds who lie, exaggerate, and brag about themselves and denigrate others to bolster their image. They hate themselves but hate others even more, and everything they do is in service of asserting a superior face no matter what reality exists inside themselves or within their family.

A dictionary definition of fraud is

a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.

Narcissists are classic frauds—at love, parenting, friendship, and any other important relationship in life. Because they lack the ability to empathize with others’ experiences and emotions, narcissists are incapable of authentic intimacy or selfless giving.

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Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world. 

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Image courtesy of Tony Webster, Creative Commons.