It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games

on March 27, 2017 10:31 pm

Published on The Huffington Post 3/28/2017 at 9:36 p.m. ET. Narcissists have an extensive arsenal of weapons to shield and bolster themselves against their underlying shame and insecurity. Always attempting to control the narrative, narcissists go to what for most of us are unimaginable lengths to manipulate those around them to uphold their distorted version of reality—a world in which they are immaculately perfect: flawless, blameless, always right, and endlessly adored. Here are some examples of classic narcissistic head games.

Narcissistic Head Games

Cognitive Dissonance Narcissists’ manufactured reality is built on lies and denial, and they expect family members to accept their version of the truth. What this means for the narcissist’s partner and children is that they find themselves in “opposite land,” where s/he tells them (usually through a range of manipulative tactics) that “reality” is different from or even the opposite of what they feel and perceive. The narcissist produces a cognitive dissonance in which the other person experiences a profoundly disorienting gap between what s/he perceives and what the narcissist says happened—black is white, good is bad, false is true. Persistent cognitive dissonance is extremely traumatic, as it leads to self-doubt and disassociation.

Divide and Conquer A primary strategy narcissists use to assert control, particularly within their family, is to create divisions among individuals. This weakens and isolates them, making it easier for narcissists to manipulate and dominate. Narcissists divide through various means. They set up an environment of competition and terror in which individuals are trying to avoid attack, often at one another’s expense. The narcissistic parent favors some children and scapegoats others, breeding mistrust and resentment between siblings or between the other parent and the children. Such dynamics can also play out in a work setting, where a boss uses the same kinds of tactics to control and manipulate employees.

Gaslighting This is a form of psychological abuse in which the narcissist systematically undermines another person’s mental state by leading them to question their perceptions of reality. The narcissist uses lies and false information to erode his/her victims’ belief in their own judgment and, ultimately, their sanity. After an abusive incident, the narcissist refuses responsibility, blames you, or outright denies that the abuse took place. S/he may say things like, “That’s not what happened,” “You’re crazy,” or “You made me do it.” The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 Hollywood film Gaslight, a classic depiction of this kind of brainwashing.

Hoovering Since narcissists are by nature pathologically self-centered and often stunningly cruel, they eventually drive many people away. If a source of supply pulls away or tries to go no contact, a narcissist may attempt to hoover (as in vacuum-suck) them back within her/his realm of control. S/he will try to hoover through a variety of means, from promising to reform her/his behavior, to acting unusually solicitous, to dangling carrots such as gifts or money. However, if s/he finds adequate sources of new supply, s/he may simply walk away from old ones.

Projecting One of the narcissist’s go-to manipulations is projection, whereby s/he beams her/his own words, actions, traits, and motives back onto others. If s/he lied, you are the liar; if s/he is childish, you are immature; if s/he insulted you, you are critical; if s/he demanded reassurance, you are insecure. Through projection, the narcissist blames the victim and denies accountability. Projection is an insidious form of lying that is especially traumatic for children, who internalize the belief that they are hurting the person who is actually abusing them. A narcissist also may project her/his ideal beliefs about her-/himself onto others, such as the golden child or someone s/he admires. Whether narcissists project consciously or unconsciously, they do it with impeccable aim.

Rage Narcissistic personalities react with rage if their narcissist injury is triggered. They take even small slights that most people would easily brush off as intense humiliations and/or rejections. When this happens, their fabricated “perfect” self and overblown feelings of entitlement are threatened, setting off a rage response. Narcissistic rage is terrifying, sometimes physically violent, and far beyond normal anger. It is emotionally and physically traumatizing for those on the receiving end, particularly children, who tend to blame themselves for the adult’s reaction.

Shame Narcissists are expert at projecting their own negative emotions onto others. Sadly, shame is a foundational emotion of the narcissist. In a primitive attempt to avoid feelings of shame and to elevate themselves, narcissists routinely shame others. A child who spills something, hasn’t mastered the use of silverware, or doesn’t know what a word means is mocked or reprimanded. A spouse who sings off key, forgets an appointment, or dares to disagree with the narcissist is ridiculed or outright attacked.

Smear Campaign Narcissists engage in smear campaigns to discredit others within their family or social sphere. A narcissist may smear another person because that person sees through her/his mask, s/he is trying to preemptively conceal her/his own abuse of that person, or s/he is taking revenge because the person offended or rejected her/him. The narcissist may conduct a smear campaign for lesser reasons, such as jealousy or resentment. Narcissists are quite calculating in their process of discrediting and socially isolating their target, using innuendo, gossip, and outright lies, often over a long period of time, to family, friends, neighbors, and community members. The narcissist won’t hesitate to smear an ex to their children, a scapegoated child to friends and relatives, or a colleague to other colleagues. The smear campaign usually happens behind the victim’s back, often with the assistance of the narcissist’s flying monkeys.

Listen to “Head Games” by Foreigner.

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. Listen to Julie’s groundbreaking audio course Understanding Narcissism for half the cost of a coaching session. Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.

3 Comments

rob o says:

July 10, 2018 at 9:17 am

It is strangely comforting to know that others understand narcissistic abuse. My father is a Narc, he’s now in his late 60’s and still as vengeful, full of rage, spite and toxic venom as ever. I have been made the scapegoat among the older siblings for the damage that still rattles us all to this day. My younger sister (Daddy’s narc’s girl) is narcissistic but not a full blown NPD like my Dad,but my older brother inherited some of my father’s bullying ways, and when I confronted him on it he proceeded to bully me some more (I’m 41 now) and gang up with my sister on me also. I’ve had 41 years of abuse, and went no contact with my Narc dad a few years ago, my sister and brother have both stayed in contact, and it seems have assumed the roles of flying monkeys- doing my father abuse through them instead. I don’t think they are fully aware of it, but this is the nature of NPD family dynamics, a lot of it is covert, subconscious abuse. They have decided that I am to be the dysfunctional family’s human sacrifice, and I don’t mean that metaphorically. They have driven me to despair, suicidal despair – on mnay occasions. I thought the abuse would end when I got to adult hood, but if anything it has gone up a few gears in terms in intensity and cruelty. The worst is my mother (not a narc, but a former Narc enabler) has decided to join in with this campaign against me, solidifying my role as scapegoat, pariah, runt, human sacrifice in the never ending sage of the shambles that is my family of origin. I have had more compassion off my dog the last few years than I have from my entire family of origin.

I remember the sheer terror living with my father as a child, I developed an anxiety disorder and depression my 15, in my twenties my father medicated me, because I was beginning to show serious signs of the effects of 20 years of abuse. He cheated on my mother all throughout their marriage, drank anything that we earned (we had a family business, which he ran into the ground). He would take women on holidays for weeks away, younger women who he would ‘befriend’, they would even come to the house, my mother just turned a blind eye, but we all knew what was going on. He didn’t care. He would drink all night, have parties in the house, I remember trying to sleep for school, and hearing music blaring at 5 am, most weekends, as he drank himself into oblivion. My mother would clean up his puke and empty bottles, she was like a slave, a maid, she would never confront him, she was so weak and vulnerable. Narcs choose weak partners, one’s that will not ever challenge them. My mother was perfect for him, she was totally submissive. He burst her eardrum when we were small kids, a few punches put her in line early on, he established his dominance from the beginning, he destroyed her, gas-lighted her, treated her like shit all her life. My older brother once said, that my ‘there wasn’t a day that went by that my father didn’t bully her’, this was true, my father relished in his cruel treatments of her.

She was just another play thing, however little did my brother realize that he was a bully too. Shit rolls down hill. I was next in line. And boy did I get it. My brother developed this strange impulse to constantly bully me all my life. His entire stance towards me was dominance- to the point where he always had to ‘win’, when I confronted him on it years later, I was told, it was all in my head, that it was merely sibling rivalry. My sister’s damage is weirder, she has developed a cruel streak too, particularly towards me. It’s a strange fate when you are the scapegoat, it seems that this scapegoating is perpetual. I could write all day about the layers upon layers of head-fucking abuse that I have been subjected to my my sister, brother, father, and now most recently- my mother- but it won’t solve it. I have decided to go no contact with three of them, my father a few years now, my sister- we are civil, but no relationship, and my brother, I don’t see us ever seeing eye to eye, his reaction to his bullying of me, and my confronting him over it is to bully me even more, and get my mother ans sister to join in. I am trying to salvage a relationship with my mother, there might be hope of that, even though these last years she has enabled my brother and sister’s cruelty towards me. I hope to get stronger over the next year or so, and move abroad. I think it’s all I can do at this stage. Thanks for your blog. It gives me solace to know that other have experienced this horrible NPD abuse. Thanks RB

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Christopher Daly II says:

January 13, 2019 at 9:27 am

You know what I think is strange, this is starkly sexually biased. Only “He and she” could do one or the other, why are you telling us about what happened to you subconsciously? Why not portray an abused of each type as being of both sexes/either sex simultaneously.

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Linda Roberts says:

May 6, 2020 at 6:44 am

Its so hard to explain what narcissists do. Most of the books I’ve read are clinical and use the same terminology over and over. There’s a bunch of good movies and a great book called USPN- it shows a narcissist in action and what he does to others.

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