Adult Children of Narcissists: Wounded Warriors

Recently I read a self-appointed narcissism expert declare that adult children of narcissists (ACoNs) are doomed to become narcissists themselves. With a bit of research, I learned that the person is a serial enabling partner of narcissists, with bitter baggage. I understand feeling injured by narcissists (massive understatement). But this person’s assertions were downright ignorant, and, more to the point, offensive.

Wounded Warriors

Those of us intimately familiar with the narcissistic personality are part of an ambivalent club. We probably wouldn’t have chosen our membership, but it nevertheless defines and informs us in key ways, ways that are both painful and liberating.

The painful ways run the gamut, but they nearly always include being psychologically (and possibly physically) abused with rage, lies, projection, manipulation, blame, scapegoating, gaslighting, and more. This trauma is complex, often devastating, and can last a lifetime, fundamentally affecting our mind-body health.

But for many ACoNs, our experience also leads to heightened empathy, awareness, and resourcefulness. Often we develop these traits to survive our parents’ pathologically selfish demands and neglect. In many cases those of us scapegoated are targeted precisely because we are more aware and/or independent-minded and therefore more threatening to the narcissistic personalities in the family. Perhaps we become more empathetic because of the abuse we endured, coming to understand the dirt-level view of life.

The Narcissist as Deformed Empath

Some theorize that narcissists begin life with an unusually sensitive nature and that early trauma de-forms into a narcissist. Put another way, the highly sensitive child who endures fundamental emotional damage flips compassionate empathy into abusive empathy—s/he comes to use her/his powerful ability to see and understand the feelings of others in the service of harm rather than kindness.

Whatever you believe about the formation of narcissist personality disorder (NPD), whether from early trauma and/or genetic predisposition, I spit in the eye of anyone who condemns the narcissist’s child to the same fate.

Breaking the Family Cycle

As a young person struggling to sort out the narcissistic abuses of my parents and stepparents, I found myself attracted and attractive to highly charismatic narcissists. Well trained, I was an expert at giving them the “supply” they needed, and in turn that made me feel smart, worthy, exceptional, even indispensable—beliefs about myself I had been denied as the family scapegoat/caretaker/hero hybrid.

Fortunately it did not take me long to break my addiction to narcissists, and I began to seek out healthy friendships and relationships. Even before there were readily available information resources about narcissism, I had begun the hard work of trying to understand the dysfunction in my family of origin. I found people who either shared or intuitively understood my experience. It took years, even decades, but in time I developed a vocabulary for my family dynamics and, eventually, a community of likeminded souls.

Some of My Best Peeps Are Adult Children of Narcissists

Certainly being raised by narcissistic parents can engender the same traits, especially among so-called golden children. But many of the people in my life I cherish most were children in servitude to narcissist parents. They are some of the wisest, most caring and compassionate people I know. They are highly aware, empathetic, and righteously devoted to their own children, communities, and personal truths as they relate to institutions, politics, and society.

I love these people, I admire them, and I hope they know who they are to me.

For those of you struggling out of the grip of narcissist parents or partners, you are not alone, you are not destined to become them, and you are capable of healing, joyful freedom, and a higher purpose.

Helpful? Buy me a coffee.

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery