The flamboyance of overt narcissists can make them pretty easy to identify, but what about the covert narcissist in your life?
Recognizing covert personality traits requires looking beyond obvious appearances, past common assumptions and expectations. For this reason, covert narcissism is more difficult to spot, and it can take years to recognize it in someone you think you know well. But the good news is that once you become aware of the patterns and signs of the covert narcissist, you aren’t likely to miss them again.
Covert Narcissism Checklist
The more covert form of pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is not expressed the same way in every individual, but there are typical patterns that are very common. If you see many or most of these attitudes and behaviors in a person you know, you’re probably dealing with someone who suffers—and makes others suffer—with covert narcissism.
- Is passive-aggressive
- Criticizes and judges from the sidelines
- Is pious and superior
- Is threatened by honesty and directness
- Swings between idealizing and devaluing him-/herself and others
- Denies and dismisses others’ feelings
- Cultivates a public image sharply different from his/her private behavior
- Identifies as a victim
- Is cynical, sarcastic, and haughty
- Makes unreasonable demands
- Turns your problems into his/her dramas
- Belittles and blames
- Exploits and/or attacks others’ vulnerability
- Is reactive to questioning or criticism
- Plays on sympathies
- Fakes or exaggerates illness/injury for attention
- Withholds and stonewalls
- Gaslights
- Avoids introspection and lacks self-awareness
- Uses platitudes in place of genuine insight
- Denies own anger
- Focuses on unfairness
- Is envious and vengeful
- Prefers to remain behind the scenes
- Gossips
- Triangulates
- Holds a grudge
- Needs reassurance
- Is inattentive or annoyed when others talk
- Has double standards
- Hates to lose
- Fixates on others’ problems and misfortunes
- Flatters and fawns to win favor
- Displays rage and contempt in private
- Resists decision-making
- Does not sincerely apologize
- Avoids direct responsibility
- Has an exaggerated sense of entitlement
- Is impressed by the overt narcissist’s appearance of confidence
- Lacks emotional empathy
- Focuses on appearance over substance
- Rushes to (false) intimacy
- Is anxious and hypervigilant
- Displays false humility and humble brags
- Crosses normative boundaries and codes of conduct
- Pokes, prods, and pries
- Feels special through association
- Feels above the rules
- Uses guilt and shame to control and punish
- Expects care-taking
- Conducts smear campaigns
- Is prone to paranoia and conspiracy theories
The Overt Versus the Covert Narcissist
Like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist fails to develop emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity and self-esteem in childhood. Both feel defective and cope with underlying insecurity and shame by repressing those feelings and adopting a grandiose persona, a delusion of superiority and entitlement that they constantly assert at the expense of those around them.
Although covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and prefer passive aggressive means of controlling others, this is not necessarily because they are introverted as is often stated. Rather, they lack the brash confidence of overt narcissists and fear being exposed and humiliated if they draw public attention to themselves. Often this is because they have been conditioned not to compete with a domineering overt narcissist parent.
Recognizing the covert narcissist in your life is the first step to overcoming your self-defeating cycles of confusion, guilt, anger, self-blame, and emotional and physical trauma.
Listen to Julie being interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- 12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family
- Your Narcissistic Mother Hates Your Body and Here’s Why
- 5 Things Children of Narcissists Wish Everyone Would Stop Saying
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Maddening and Bizarre Things About Narcissists Explained
- 6 Core Insights from a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- The Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
- Why Narcissists Play the Shame Game
- Are You Being Bullied by Narcissistic Monologuing?
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- 7 Defining Traits of the Narcissist
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissist Head Games
- 7 Things a Narcissist Will Never Do
- The Narcissist as Human Parasite: Are You a Host?
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- How to Protect Your Child from Your Narcissist Spouse
- The Challenge of Setting Boundaries with Narcissist Parents
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It Is Not Your Fault
- The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Seven Sure Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist
Photo courtesy of Jett Brooks, Creative Commons.
7 Comments
I check all the boxes. How do I get help? I try therapy every few years when I get fed up with my behavior. When I bring up concerns that I have NPD — or strong tendencies — I have been universally dismissed with: “If you’re questioning whether you’re a narcissist, you’re not.” That’s not true at all and illustrates how you need to have this disorder to truly understand it.
The internet is teeming with articles like “7 ways to spot a narcissist” and “the 7 things a narcissist does to…”. Many of these articles are written with a certain “glee” to them. As I type this, I see an article entitled: “Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age”. I get it. You’ve been hurt. You’re angry. It’s justified.
Some of us want to change. Some of us want to improve. There are very few resources for narcissists looking for help. I know it’s not curable, but it must be controllable. I have made progress by trying to be more mindful, by admitting to my spouse and family that I’m suffering. However, it’s difficult for others to have empathy for NPDs because — we don’t return the favor. Plus, there is suspicion that by admitting I have a problem could just be another manipulation — because sometimes it is. Or am I projecting insincerity on people who truly are being sincere? That’s the rub with this thing: *I don’t know*
When I hurt other people, especially people that I *know* love me, it is agonizing. And since I spend most of my time in my own head, I replay the pain over and over and over again. And with every replay, the pain gets worse. Especially when I internally embellish the memory.
I’ve known for years that there was “something” wrong with me, but it’s very easy to explain away. “I don’t fit in because I’m more intelligent, more capable.” Then I meet someone who is even *more* intelligent and *more* capable, yet they have empathy and humility. That is astounding to me. What strength of character. And then another NPD trait kicks in: envy.
It took me YEARS to zero in on this thing. I’m 48. Forty-effing-eight years old and I’m still prone to childlike pouting, radical mood swings and my infuriating passive-aggressiveness which can be very cutting.
I’m told I have a good heart. I hope that’s true. I hope my family sees something that I can’t see. I hope I’m a good person. I don’t think I am. But I *do* know how a good person with a good heart behaves and I can emulate that when I have to.
It’s very easy to bash a narcissist because, oh boy, do we deserve the bashing for the havoc we can wreak. But know that once just a *tiny drop* of self-awareness leaks in, the pain felt by the narcissist is truly agonizing. What’s worse (at least for me) is the only way to ease the pain is to put the walls back up and get back into my comfort zone.
Withdraw, lash out, repent, withdraw, lash out, repent.
I’m exhausted.
Hi AJ. The grabby article titles are also a matter of getting people’s continually divided attention these days in the wild west of the internet. I feel no glee about it. The reality is that all of us on this continuum of codependency/complex PTSD/narcissism in one way or another come out of dysfunctional family systems that involve attachment trauma. My readers, coaching clients, and I all fall in different places along that continuum. There are people, like you, who are more on the narcissistic end but who also have some ability to self-reflect and want to break that miserable and exhausting cycle. I’d be happy to speak with you about the possibility of working together, so do email me if you’re interested. Take care,
Your check list is a good one. Many covert narcissist can appear empathetic and caring, but the key word is “appear” as they are only playing a role to exploit others. They don’t actually feel empathy or care for anyone but themselves.
One area I think needs more attention is the fact that many covert narcissists (man or woman) are backed up by a narcissistic parent which of course not only impacts their own siblings but also people who marry into the family. A man or woman married to a covert narcissist with a mother-in-law or father-in-law who is also a narcissist is in for double trouble. Their son or daughter married to you won’t ever be wrong and will not ever be called out on their bad behavior. In fact they will be put on a pedestal while your name is dragged through the mud, and you will be blamed for everything wrong with your difficult spouse. It will be you against a tag-team of two or more narcissists and of course the mother or father is going to back up their golden child son or daughter all the way. So be wary of not only who you marry but of your future in-laws as well.
I just want to say first of all that the list was an impressive description of my mother. But I also want to say that my heart goes out to AJ. I was convinced at one time that I was a narcissist too. I’m NOT saying AJ isn’t a narcissist… I’m just saying that I’m not but was fully convinced by my family that I was in fact the Narcissist and since I too could check many of those things on the list myself, the gaslight was effective. But as you, Ms Hall, pointed out to AJ… I too have the ability to self reflect. I think that might actually be my superpower lol Self reflection and a desire to improve and grow. My mother isn’t even capable of self reflection and her desire is for everyone else to improve because there isn’t anything wrong with her.
There may not be much else to do with this – other but to sit back and wonder at a phenomena. Over and over assignment of what a person must be thinking and feeling. The most common in reference to narcissists – they don’t actually feel empathy or care about others. Meanwhile the same person will speak to their own empathic abilities and the heaviness and burdening weight of their gift.
Both of which are nothing short of projections – their own thinking, feeling and determinations of what ought to be felt and thought by another.
Certainly, there is malice in the world. There are victims of malice. People have ill will, good will and any variation of combinations thereof. Dismissive, disabling use of poorly originated diagnostic criteria do not require much reflection on self whatsoever. The cries of victim resemble those accused. Attention to self would do a great deal of good towards moderating one’s own responsibilities and freedoms.
I can’t see the list; just title then comments. I tried on my phone and computer. Does anyone know what I’m doing wrong?
How about a child that is one , my teenager is already an adult and its getting worse and worse as he ages……