Published in The Huffington Post 02/27/2017 11:49 p.m. ET. Narcissists are practiced at hiding their true face to the world and initially can be quite charming and skilled at honing in on targets for seduction. But careful observation and an understanding of narcissistic personality disorder will enable you to spot a narcissist. 

Whether you’re wondering about a new love interest, friend, or boss, or you’re looking to understand someone you’ve known for a while and have concerns about, here are seven sure-fire ways to suss out the narcissists from the genuine people of character. 

1.  Lacks Empathy

Perhaps the most telling characteristic of the narcissist is a lack of empathy for the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others. As far as narcissists are concerned, others are merely props or extensions of themselves to be manipulated for their own purposes. Signs of empathy are good listening, reflecting back compassion and concern, validating other people’s feelings, being willing to apologize and take responsibility, remembering and asking about others’ lives, and acting on behalf of others’ needs even when it is inconvenient or difficult. Consistent behavior to the contrary is a Narcissist Alert!

2.  Is Arrogant and Grandiose

To hide a fundamental sense of unworthiness, narcissists adopt a grandiose persona. On the surface, they may be skilled at attracting and influencing others, but their need to assert their superiority makes them arrogant, competitive, rude, and explosive or vindictive when threatened or “crossed.” They are prone to bragging, name-dropping, making grand displays, or passive-aggressive manipulation, guilt tripping, and smug superiority. Once you spot a narcissist your best tactic is to avoid confrontation, keep your feelings to yourself, and walk away.

3.  Attracts Excessive Attention

Narcissists thrive on attention, often referred to as their “supply.” Because they suffer from profound emotional instability, they seek attention from others as a form of validation. While we all have social needs, narcissists demand a level of attention far beyond that of “normal” people, resorting to all manner of manipulation to get it. The narcissist figuratively sucks all the oxygen out of the room. To gain attention, extroverted narcissists typically dominate conversations, while covert narcissists use guilt and play the victim. Either way, narcissists are always vying for attention. The narcissistic father, for example, may bitterly resent attention given to his own children and punish his spouse and them if he is not appeased (read more about narcissist parents).

4.  Demands Adulation

Mere attention is not sufficient for narcissists. Their larger-than-life persona makes them feel entitled to the best and most of everything, particularly admiration and special treatment. At home they demand subservience and adoration without earning or returning it, and in stores, restaurants, hotels, and the like, they expect the best service. If the narcissist feels overlooked or deprived (often by treatment that others would regard as normal), s/he will not hesitate to cause a scene, lash out, or sulk punishingly.

5.  Flies into Rages

Because narcissists lack stable self-esteem, they are highly sensitive to any hint of criticism or judgment. Their extreme defensiveness and sense of entitlement make them unwilling to take responsibility, instead deflecting and projecting blame onto others. If they feel threatened, they will unleash a violent counterattack, flying into an explosive rage that far exceeds regular anger and that may become physical.

6.  Abuses Social Media

It’s not difficult to spot a narcissist online. Users of social media by and large want to show a good face, but narcissists seek to project perfection and outshine their peers. They tend to post often, edit their photos more than others do, and show idealized images of their lives. They may regularly feature flattering closeups of their face or images that highlight their best physical qualities. When they post images of family members, they often appear more like lifestyle accessories. As long as narcissist look good, they will present photos of others that may be unflattering. To appear popular, narcissists often attempt to collect large numbers of “friends” and “followers” even if the vast majority are surface acquaintances or strangers. They may also use social media to highlight their favored golden child, while ignoring their scapegoated child (read more about the golden child and scapegoat).

7.  Lacks a Moral Code

To bolster their extravagant egos and shield themselves from unbearable feelings of vulnerability, narcissists will rationalize just about any behavior. They are always looking to gain the upper hand, and their toolkit is strikingly consistent from one narcissist to another. The narcissist’s bag of tricks includes some or all of the following:

  1. criticizes
  2. competes
  3. violates boundaries
  4. manipulates
  5. terrorizes
  6. lies
  7. blames
  8. shames
  9. belittles
  10. ridicules
  11. denies
  12. projects
  13. gaslights
  14. deflects accountability
  15. plays the victim

Spot a Narcissist? Be Aware

Now that you have a better idea of how to spot a narcissist, it is essential to keep in mind that they do not play nice or fair, and they are loyal to no one and nothing but their own agenda. They may initially seduce and lavish idealized attention, but one way or another they will betray your trust if you make the mistake of offering it to them.

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Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books. She is working on a memoir (read excerpts) about life, and few near-deaths, in a narcissistic family.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.  

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Featured image courtesy of tommerton2010, Creative Commons.