Published on The Huffington Post 2/07/2017 5:32 pm ET
Parenting is arguably the hardest work one can do in life, even with a loving and compatible partner. Coparenting with a narcissist ex is exponentially more difficult—draining, disorienting, divisive, and at times cause for feelings of black anger and despair.
Your Narcissist Ex Doesn’t Love Your Kids the Way You Do
It is painful, perhaps incomprehensible, but your narcissist ex will never love your children the way you do. If your ex has narcissistic personality disorder, s/he may be flatly incapable of loving them at all, seeing them instead as projections and extensions of her-/himself to be manipulated and abused to serve her/his agenda of maintaining a sense of entitlement and superiority. To make matters worse, your narcissist ex’s main objective may be to hurt you, regardless of how it harms your kids.
If you did the leaving, the rejected narcissist is likely to hold a profound long-term grudge, seeking to punish you for triggering her/his narcissistic injury—the repressed feelings of shame and unworthiness that drive the narcissistic personality. If your ex left you, you are still fair game for propaganda and persecution.
Whoever initiated the break up, the narcissist is likely to use every opportunity to bolster her-/himself at your expense. S/he may insult and demean you in front of your children; engage in a smear campaign behind your back to your kids, extended family, and social circle; and undermine your efforts to communicate as coparents.
Forget CoParenting with a Narcissist
Teamwork is outside the narcissist’s playbook. By definition, narcissists lack empathy or genuine feelings of connectedness with others, most poignantly their family members. As painful as this is to accept about the other parent of your children, you need to face reality and move on.
Accept Parallel Parenting
First and foremost, narcissists do not play fair or nice. They will vie for their children’s attention and adoration but also readily cast it away when it loses value (i.e., becomes costly, taxing, boring, irritating, etc.).
Throw out the normal rules of engagement. Embrace minimalist “parallel parenting” to gain control and reduce your vulnerability to manipulation. This is necessary for you and for your children.
Parallel Parenting Do List
- Do limit contact/communication with your ex to absolute essentials.
- Do establish a regular parenting schedule and stick to it.
- Do keep strict boundaries with your ex.
- Do withhold your true feelings/thoughts from your ex.
- Do ignore your ex’s antagonisms, whether passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive.
- Do accept that you cannot control your ex’s parenting, even if it sucks.
- Do have faith in your own parenting (one attuned good parent is more powerful than several bad parents/stepparents—really).
- Do be as honest as you can (age-appropriately) with your kids about your family situation.
- Do modulate but don’t deny your feelings with your kids.
- Do model empathy and resiliency for your kids.
Parallel Parenting Don’t List
- Don’t argue with or try to explain yourself to your ex.
- Don’t make yourself vulnerable to your ex.
- Don’t react to your ex’s barbs or criticisms.
- Don’t demonize your ex to your kids.
- Don’t internalize your ex’s projections.
- Don’t try to explain your concerns about your kids to your ex.
- Don’t ever criticize your kids to your ex, as s/he will use it against them/you.
- Don’t engage emotionally with your ex: Go “gray rock”—boring, flat, monotonous.
- Don’t blame yourself for your ex’s behavior.
- Don’t forget that although your ex may be a jerk, the silver lining is your kids.
Listen to Julie’s audio course “Understanding Narcissism” for free with code JULIE.
Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.
Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.
Related Articles by Julie L. Hall
- Dear Therapist: You Missed My Husband’s Narcissism and It Devastated My Family
- The Narcissistic Family: Cast of Characters and Glossary of Terms
- How to Protect Your Children from Your Narcissist Spouse
- Should Your Narcissistic Parents Have Access to Your Kids?
- Big Sissies: How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age
- 5 Boundary-Setting Basics with the Narcissists in Your Life
- Healing a Sense of Foreshortened Future in Adult Children of Narcissists
- The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker
- What the Narcissist Fears Most
- Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children
- Identifying the Covert Narcissist in Your Life: A Checklist
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It’s Not Your Fault
- Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them
- Horrid and Shocking Things Narcissists Say and Do
- The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck
- Seven Things Narcissists Will Never Do
- The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family
- Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens
- How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It
- Seven Sure-Fire Ways to Spot a Narcissist
- Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do Explained
- Behind the Narcissist Mask: The Bully, Coward, Liar and Fraud
- Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
- Adult Children of Narcissists Face Trauma-Induced Health Risks
- Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now
- What Raging Narcissists Break: A Real-Life Damage List
- The Burden of the Golden Child in the Narcissistic Family
- Narcissism 101: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding the Madness
- The Narcissism Disease Cluster in Families and How to End the Cycle
- A Daughter’s Story of One Hell of a Narcissistic Mother
- The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
- Raised by Narcissists? Why You Can’t Afford the Wrong Therapist
- 4 Insidious Ways That Narcissistic Abuse Isolates the Victim
- It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games
- How and Why Narcissists Are Highly Skilled Abusers
- The Strength of the Narcissistic Family Scapegoat
- Life in the Fun House: Narcissistic Mirroring and Projection
- The Paradox of the Narcissist’s Unrequited Self-Love
- A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family
- 9 Best of the Worst Narcissist Mothers on Screen
- Understanding the Narcissist’s Disrespect, Envy, and Contempt
Lead photo courtesy of Stephan Hochhaus, Creative Commons.
32 Comments
I would add don’t compete with your ex. That probably falls under having faith in your own parenting, but all too often the narcissist becomes the fun parent. Kids need consistency more than they need a buddy.
Good point. The day-to-day hard work of reliable, dedicated parenting is often not “fun,” but it is what kids need the most, and it is what they will value most as they grow up. If they act out and get angry or emotional with the nonnarcissistic parent, it is precisely because they trust you enough to be real and know that you will keep loving them and not turn on them.
Narcissists alienate their children from the other parent after final discard.. this is called parental alienation in layman’s terms.. in short it is a cross generational transference of childhood trauma which is triggered by the seperation.. narcissists be they common garden narcs or ASPD.. they are man made disorders .. they were traumatised in their own childhood which makes them what they are today.. and thus is becoming an epidemic .. look around you at how many fatherless children there are.. parental alienation.. covert narcissism everywhere we look.. and it is being promoted in the media news film and television.. the “victim” role.. the covert narcs top ammunition.. and the whole world is playing it… that coupled with financial incentives, the world “empowering” women while ONLY putting men down.. the materialism , the total lack of apathy and empathy except for self, gender bias everywhere designed to split us up, ( isolate and control), using fear everywhere to do it.. which brings me to my point..
Narcissistic personalities are not a gender thing.. it is a personality disorder thing.. and I have been surrounded by them all my life.. my mother is one, my sister, a couple of ex friends and now an ex. it took the ex for me to see the pattern and to start researching what the hell I was dealing with… she is full on dark triad , manipulative, covert criminal, violent .. the full Harlequin.. so far I have known 9 narcissistic personalities of all different types.. and only 3 were Male.. so my point being.. could you please stop using the term HE when talking about narcissists and stop using the term SHE when talking about victims.. I have seen enough hell and abuse at the hand s of women to know differently.. but the average Joe reading your blogs and articles might not.. and this is not going to be stopped until the world sees that women are doing this too can it be stopped.. use terms such as “they”.. “their”.. “these personality disorders”.. we will not have it seen if half are hidden..
I often alternate s/he pronouns in my articles. If you had read the next sentence you would have found that to be the case. I’ve changed the wording to avoid further confusion. As so many of us know all too well, both men and women can be narcissists and both men and women can be traumatized by narcissistic abuse. Article after article on my site illustrates that reality. Point of fact going by the most recent data, 6.2 percent of the general population is estimated to have NPD, with 7.7 percent male and 4.8 female, so it is somewhat gendered, just as BPD seems to be skewed toward women.
I wish the term counter-parenting would be used in articles when discussing this topic. I’ve heard this term regarding parenting with narcs/npd, etc..
Indeed it feels like counter-parenting.
please advise me,, I have a 24 year old,, she is not his biological child,, but she was 8 when he arrived,, he immediately started mocking slandering etc me,, and inviting her to join him. over the years,, it has slowly evolved into a them against me,,he uses her to attack me if I stand up to his abuse. I try to tell her to stay out of it.. to her this feels like I do not care about her feelings. I have been in counselling for a few years and the counsellor keeps telling me to bring her in.. I cannot get her to come. He has her convinced that the counsellor just wants to support me and not listen to her. He takes responsibility for nothing. nothing is his fault,, I made him do whatever it is he claims is the problem. She now thinks like him,,, I am the problem. This is my own child. what do I do. how can I stop this abuse. I need to find a way to stop what is happening so I can cut ties.
I’m so sorry. This is a very painful situation. I am not a therapist, and I don’t know your situation beyond the little bit you have described here. It seems to me you may need to cut ties with him first, assert healthy boundaries for your own well-being, and give your daughter a chance to see things in a different light. It sounds like he has done some pretty heavy brain washing on her. As an adult, it is up to her to figure out what the truth is. She may need time, but if she sees you living a healthier life and not putting up with abuse, she is more likely to respect you and consider your point of view. You need to model self-respect for your own and her sake.
Thank you so much. This article is incredibly helpful. I’ve been divorced 12 years but it has taken a long time for me to understand what exactly I was dealing with.
I’m glad it’s helpful, Michelle.
I have parallel parenting with a textbook narcissistic ex. This article makes all of the insanity, make sense. Thank you. I have two children one is the scapegoat, the other is the golden child. All my ex’s problems are somehow my fault…The projecting is constant, as is the parental alienation….Luckily during the divorce he didn’t want the daily drudgery of childcare so they live with me primarily, he never even fought for them one iota more then the absolute minimum time (but he fought for $$) so that diminishes how much time he spend with them. I wish there was more I could do to protect my kids, but as it is, I just tell myself that they don’t spend all that much time with him and because of that it could be worse.
This sounds almost identical to my situation! One point of difference is that the golden child/scapegoat change depending on where the kids are at in age/manipulabilty.
Indeed it could be so much worse. You and your kids are very fortunate that he did not fight you for custody and that you have primary care for them. Be well.
I would appreciate if you could elaborate or even do an article on #8 under Parallel Parenting Do List:
8. Do be as honest as you can (age-appropriately) with your kids about your family situation.
One of the things that my husband and I struggle with is saying anything at all but both of us feel it may be important to speak up to some degree with the kids so they are not left with the ideal or belief that what their Mom is saying is true, accurate, etc. How to do this without sounding like you’re running her under a bus.
Thank you.
Hi Melanie. Helping kids cope in this situation is so difficult. There needs to be a book on this subject. My book on the narcissistic family is coming out next year, October 2019, and it will include more info on this issue, which I may post here before then.
[…] helpless feelings a mother could ever have, but my eyes are open now and learning to navigate these new waters is necessary, even if it is […]
I tend to do the don’t’
s and not to the do’s. I know I’m wrong, I feeded him off so much already. Please help me, how do rectify all of this now. He already probably thinks I weak, crazy and a failure. I stopped replying to his text’s when he asks anything related our child. He waits outside when he comes to pick daughter up and if she’s late he text’s but I ignore it. Then he leaves. So ultimately, this also shows me wrong. 🙁
My 14 yrs old son called and wants to leave home from his mother and 19 yr old brother, he’s very on happy and feels threaten, moon is in the military and has been unreasonably yelling and making false claims and believe s she has the right to keep my son from me and has been very narcissistic.
To the point he dose not want to be in her home and wants to be with me but I have been struggling with sustainable home and work
But have a place you can stay safe part of our church and Mom insists on taking him what can I do ?????
I have a job I have taken the day off to go and find a way to place a stay away until I can afford to go to courtI want my son to be safe and not placed with people he doesn’t know not placed in some kind of state or government program I’m fully capable of loving him caring for him and being right financing is a problem at the moment I am working on obtaining a family law lawyer but I need to protect him now
Im sorry I highly disagree with the opening of this article. The first thing you ilude to is that narcacist ex’s are automatically men. This is factually wrong, are you aware that over 2000 court cases take place every month where men are asking for access to their innocent children. In this case who are the narcacist? Very presumptive.
2nd thing I like to point to out you clearly feel that parents act like narcacist due to lack of love, people show love in many many different ways, I from experience dont believe this is the case either. Some may act this way but you cannot catergorise everybody the same way many people I have worked with its down to fear. Either fear of change in personal control – they have had massive changes which they personally cant accept or fear that their child may not accept their decisions. There are many many reasons why people act like narcacist so the number 1 DO is try to understand why rather than fight why.
Based on your assumption then custody should be switched over to these fathers as they show love more than the mums – knowing that wouldnt that make more mums act like narcacist? This is why it is so important to work together, build bridges and breakdown stigma that community has built, building a better future for our children and the next generation.
You are also right in if an ex doesnt want to listen then you cant force them so just remain factual and dont involve emotions give them the very limit of information that is needed.
Thats my feedback I hope I’ve given you some insight based personal experience and cases I’ve worked on – this article is very sexually biased
Why is the Narcissist described as a he? Are you implying it is only men who can behave in this way because I can assure you it is not!
I agree with your article and with some of those that replied to you…. I understand that the narcissist can be either female or male, in our family situation the narcissist ex is the male and we have 2 boys. And much like Cira’s comments with the 2 kids, one of my boys is the golden child being the oldest and the other younger child is the scapegoat and the Dad has been quite emotionally, mentally and at times physically abusive with the younger child, the younger one is never good enough in his Dad’s eyes and as a result is very hard on him and critical of him.
Up until 2 years ago I had primary care so the boys live with me most of the time with the Dad having every second weekend and one day a week for a couple of hours child access (this setup was not unwarranted there were very valid reasons for the Dad’s access to have limitations, he off course did not agree and challenged it in the courts twice but each time the different Judges agreed with the original access order.) My ex has blamed me for everything even before we had kids and has been for years mentally and emotionally abusive with me as well and this behaviour has continued in our divorced lives where he still calls me all kinds of names to the kids and just does not have any respect for me as the kids Mom at all.
My issue now is with my older boy who is 17 as he and I have been butting heads over almost everything, he ended up moving to be with his Dad at 16 and now only listens to only his Dad, and doesn’t want anything to do with me over the past year. I just recently starting talking with my older son but it has a painful past 2 years for me as I miss my older boy. What I have learnt that children will try their hardest to get validation, acknowledgement and general acceptance from the same sex parent and my older boy is living proof of this. I get this I just want to know how I can get my older boy back into my life, he’s got a lot of anger for me and has treated me similar to how my ex did before I finally kicked him out of our lives. It is so extremely difficult to always have to take the higher road and not talk about the abusive ex who does nothing but talk trash about you as the other parent to the children, you always feel like your put in a defense position defending yourself.
It’s also difficult when you try to explain to the child about the negative traits of the narcissist parent to show that there is a pattern to this and to explain narcissist behaviour and the child wants to hear nothing of it! In fact in my case its the younger child that sees his Dad and speaks to his Dad’s narcissist ways, he sees him for who he is, but the older boy defends the Dad and does not want to hear anything negative about his Dad. This I find quite hard to deal with because its OK for the Dad to talk trash about me as the Mom yet when I point out the ex’s negative behavior to my older child, he just supports his Dad in whatever he was doing, gets angry with me when I talk about his Dad and just doesn’t want to talk to me about it at all and limits his interaction with me.
So I’ve given my older son space and just randomly send him messages that I love him and when he’s ready to please call me. It’s been a long haul for me but slowly my older son has started communicating with me, its not loving as it was before all this happened 2 years ago but its a start and I’m hoping over time he’ll come around so we can have a healthy mom and son relationship once again. My hope is that in time as an adult he will be able to make some healthy decisions on his own without the influences of his Dad or I and understand the narcissist behaviours for what they really are through his own understanding of the reflection of past behaviours.
It does feel like a life sentence with your ex when you share kids with a narcissist partner. It would be great if you include in your book guidance about how to educate children in divorced families (when its age appropriate) about the truths of a narcissist parent, addressing the issue when your child doesn’t want to hear the truth.
Hi Eileen, my sincerest best wishes for you & both your boys. I too, have two children, the eldest is the scapegoat bc was born with some birth defects & so he was a prime target for abuse & his father was just horrible to him. My son has been badly damaged by his father & will likely need therapy for a long time. My youngest is the golden child & whenever she gets upset with me, I have found that rather than trying to get her to talk to me, I just leave her be. It takes enormous strength but I’ve found that by constantly trying to communicate, she just gets more angry with me. Try giving your son a chance to really miss you & set loving, consistent boundaries with him. Teach him that you are valuable by valuing yourself. Remember that your ex has spent his entire life triangulating the two of you, and your son doesn’t even realize that he’s being used. Eventually, your ex”s behavior will show his true colors & then your son will be able to come to you for support.
I think another important note is that you SHOULD talk to your kids like adults and ask if they’re doing okay. Lift them up in a way the Narc never does. Compliment them and show them love because they probably really need it, even if you don’t get to see them that often. Be someone they can trust and confide in. If the Narc tells you anything about what the kids have been up to, as in, bitching about their behavior, it’s likely it wasn’t really their fault, and they’ve probably received more than enough of a telling off.
Be kind, my dad is my superhero now that I’ve actually spent time with him, yet my Narcissist Mum made me believe he was a horrible person, and a liar. We are so alike, I now know, and I can see why she wouldn’t want us to be mates. My dad reminds me that I am capable of being loved. Be that, for your kid.
Help! It’s been over 12 years AFTER the divorce. I followed these lists to the “T”. Ex narc had a long planned, relentless smear campaign and false narrative that turned all the “do’s and don’ts” on this list into opposites. He’s gotten judges on his side now, therefore I am not allowed to do the”do” list and am ordered to do the “don’t” list. I’ve also lost my kids because of following the rules/decree, the “do’s and donts” and receiving all the projection and blame. All his alienation is fully taking route. My kids are now teenagers and it’s like the truth they’ve always known is completely erased. He was allowed to move them states away too. I have little to no contact with them now too. So much more that has compounded this beyond comprehension. Lost, exhausted and completely disoriented. I’m financially ruined as well.
Hello to all you fellow survivors, I have read so many books and I see a wonderful therapist. I’m out of a 18 year marriage with a narcissist, an 18-year-old, 14-year-old and 11-year-old thankfully yet unfortunately are involved. Reading What has been written in the comments, given me hope. To know that there’s others you understand that undescribable mental pain, it’s priceless.
I’m in the thick of trying to co-parent a 11,14 & 18 year old children with a socio- narcissist. Having found this site has given me a hint of hope… The flying monkeys, golden child etc.. it’s as if I’m reading my story. I’m so great ful I’m not alone. No one, can understand this, unless you have survived & gotten out.
The mental agony I see in these kids is crippling. But as I very well know, it’s easier for them to go along with the lies, twisting, manipulation than speaking their truth. It still hurts so bad, that these are my kids.. I’m so angry that one person can put that much fear in another person JUST BY THE WAY THEY LOOK AT YOU! He can take his love away with a glance. I have to understand it’s not personal. And that they are under the control I narcissist.
Thank you so much for all of you guys sharing. So much help, to know why I’m not alone .
Remember that saying “God broke the mold when they made you?” I was a child of narcissistic parents. They had a violent relationship towards each other and me. As a result, they isolated, they found other abusive families who affirmed their behaviors, or acted worse and made them feel better about themselves. To my mom and dad, I was an object, not a person. I think that’s how narcissists work- they don’t see complex humans, they see simple objects. I’ve struggled with mental health issues that come with being raised by physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissists. I moved far away from both my parents thinking maybe our relationship would improve. Of course that wasn’t going to happen. Neither of them want a relationship with me, they want a relationship with a fictional character that promotes and falls into their worldview. I’m just glad there is evidence of this problematic behavior and someone is writing about it! Children need food, clothes, encouragement to build themselves up in this already stressful world. Community is everything! Be who you are, narcissists get stuck because ultimately time catches up with them, the world changes and they don’t.
This article has been so helpful in my situation while I am seeking divorce with my covertly narcissistic ex-husband. Fighting the legal battle for my custody will the biggest thing I have to consider.
It has definitely felt over the years that I constantly saw him trying to compete with me in parenting our daughter, there was this projection of my parenting behavior towards her, which I came to realize towards the last days of our living with him. Yes, it was almost like counter parenting like someone commented. I am really trying to salvage my situation and make our daughter see light through all this and I know there are bad days when my daughter shows some traits that I completely disapprove of but I know she wasn’t born thus but has been exposed to his behavior over a period of time and the emotional abuse he put me through. Over time, she came to a conclusion that what she was seeing is normal and didn’t know any better. We had no friends and no family so that she could validate what she sees at home. I am now in the process of correcting the wrongs he’s done and most likely will keep doing so, if I lose my legal battle. Your comment however on when the child shows their anger and emotional outbursts on the non-narcissistic parent, that it actually means they trust the parent and consider them as the stable one and capable of showing unconditional love, rang so close to my heart. I know now that I need to be more considerate with her and have faith in my parenting.
I was a stay at home dad suffering from sever, untreatable, chronic IBD which I learn is linked with chronic emotional and psychological abuse. I was dying and humiliated in ever conversation. I figured out what was going on with the help of a chronic illness therapist. Eventually I became well enough to ask for a divorce. She has been trying to scapegoat me for abuse. Trying to use her smear campaign to turn everyone even our child against me. She figured out how to monitor my phone records and emails during the divorce. Lied out of control. Trying to make me look like the liar in court. We are still in court. I am hoping the court noticed and asks her to get help.
There are so many of us. I cried as I read your teachings. There is a real world out there that cares.
I’m experiencing the same thing with my narcissist husband and turning my children to go against me
I feel so much empathy for all of you and would like to hear how did it go for you. What did you learn from co-parenting with a narcissist ? What are the lessons learnt ? How your kids doing ?
I am going through a divorce with a narcissist. We are trying for mediation. I actually don’t know if this is going to work. On one hand, it seems to me that the mediators have understood the behavior and yes, it feels good to have a reasonable talk. Actually when I started mediation I realized that what I considered normal was not normal. Within the mediation, when I say it is “red” it is red, no need to explain, justify, doubt myself.
On the other hand, it really hurts when my ex goes where it hurts the most. In my case, these are kids. I offered him a shared custody, but he wants to keep our baby girl also in the night, though I am still a breastfeeding mum. I always used to co-sleep with our kids and I am really a care taking and loving mum and that’s where he wants to get me. Hopefully the last punishment.
Ideally, I hoped we would stay friends and have a constructive post-marital communication, but I am afraid I will rather strengthen my boundaries and build the walls.