Whether partners, children, other relatives, or friends, narcissist’s caretakers are sustaining forces who enable narcissistic personalities in their delusions, manipulations, and abuse.

When the caretaker is a spouse, s/he has likely been seduced by the narcissist, swallowing hook, line, and sinker that s/he is savior and soulmate, the only person who lives up to the narcissist’s idealized image of perfection, can heal her/his wounds, and complete her/him. Even when the narcissist inevitably becomes devaluing and abusive, caretakers continue to fulfill the role at the expense of their own needs and well-being.

When the caretaker is the narcissist’s child, the hook is planted firmly in place very early in life and tends to dig in deeper as that child develops into adulthood. Children burdened with such responsibility often adopt this role as fundamental to their identity and may continue to caretake the narcissistic parent to the very end. Even when the line is cut and caretaker adult children “swim” away, the hook remains lodged forever, surrounded by scar tissue that never fully heals. Such children are prone to repeating a caretaker role in other adult relationships, including with partners, bosses, and friends, and they often struggle with low self-esteem and unhealthy boundaries.

Traits of the Narcissist’s Caretakers

Here are some common traits of narcissist’s caretakers:

  1. They are groomed to feel special through helping.
  2. They are groomed to see themselves as heroic saviors.
  3. They are highly empathetic.
  4. They are out of touch with their own needs or believe they are unimportant.
  5. They believe they don’t deserve better.
  6. They grew up seeing narcissism as their “normal.”
  7. They are willing to play dumb.
  8. They are willing to sublimate their feelings.
  9. They dislike confrontation and are willing to placate to avoid it.
  10. They believe they deserve or “can handle” regular devaluation.
  11. They forgive and even reassure narcissists after abuse.
  12. They believe they are immune to the narcissist’s contempt and betrayal.
  13. They are willing to submit to punishment for no reason.
  14. They avoid arguments out of fear.
  15. They feel responsible for the narcissist’s happiness.
  16. They feel responsible for the narcissist’s basic survival.
  17. They have low self-esteem.
  18. They blame others for the narcissist’s problems.
  19. The dismiss and devalue their own needs.
  20. They believe they have the power to solve other people’s problems.

Misconceptions Caretakers Have About Narcissists

Narcissist’s caretakers commonly fall prey to some or all of the following misconceptions about the narcissists in their lives:

  1. They really do care about me underneath it all.
  2. If I work hard enough to prove my love and loyalty they will respond in kind.
  3. They would fall apart without me.
  4. They are wounded, and I can heal them.
  5. I’m the only one who really understands them.
  6. They will come around and learn to compromise.
  7. They love me but just don’t know how to show it.
  8. They need more time to learn to trust me.
  9. Things will get better if I try harder.
  10. They are more fragile than me and need more.

As a narcissist’s caretaker, you are not doomed to remain a slave to their demands or continue your caretaking role in life. Narcissists will always take more than their share, believing they deserve it and having no remorse about the damaging impact they have on others. They will literally drain the very life out of you—your energy, your resources, your connections with others, your self-worth, and your happiness.

As a caretaking type, you face a long road to recovery. The first step is understanding that your primary responsibility is to yourself, that your needs and well-being matter and must be your first priority, and that trying to “rescue” others deprives them of the opportunity to experience natural consequences and potentially grow.

Listen to Julie interviewed on The Addicted Mind Podcast and Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast.

Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world.  

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Photo courtesy of Derek Gavey.