Like spitting nail guns spinning loose, narcissist parents are hurt machines, creating havoc and damage in the lives of their children.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

To understand how and why narcissist parents hurt their kids, one needs to understand narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A person with NPD experiences disrupted attachment and a formative sense of invalidation when young (“narcissistic injury”), typically involving parental neglect, abuse, overvaluation, or a complex combination of these conditions. For example, a child who forms a narcissistic adaptation may experience rejection by one parent and smothering indulgence by another.

Whatever the cause, the child fails to form a resilient sense of identity and self-esteem and overcompensates by adopting a larger-than-life persona, which becomes entrenched by adulthood. Often narcissists are relatively unaware of the self-contempt that drives their behavior, unless and until a destabilizing event occurs, such as losing a relationship or job.

The Narcissist’s Children Are Most Vulnerable to Abuse

Although spouses often suffer excruciatingly, narcissists’ children are most vulnerable to their abuse because they are

  1. dependent on them for their emotional and physical survival;
  2. reliant on them as models for identity formation; and
  3. relatively helpless targets.

Narcissists are obsessive students of psychological warfare, and they have an arsenal of weapons at the ready. Lacking empathy, they do not follow  basic rules of fairness and reciprocity in their relationships, often especially with their children.

To support their persona of superiority and entitlement, narcissist parents use the following tactics to “win” in their ceaseless game of controlling and besting others:

  • criticism
  • blame
  • projection
  • lies
  • terror
  • gaslighting
  • violating boundaries

They also use what may appear on the surface to be “positive” tactics:

  • idealization
  • flattery
  • excessive attention
  • seduction
  • sexualization
  • idolized projection
  • exaggerated praise

Golden and Scapegoat Children

"If you're going through hell, keep going" quote by Winston ChurchillTo control the family narrative, narcissist parents assign roles to their children. Typically there is a golden child and a primary scapegoat.

The golden child is the engulfed “favorite” whose strengths and successes are celebrated and failings overlooked or blamed on the scapegoat. Often the golden child is a projection of what narcissist parents want to believe about themselves—an idealized mirror image controlled and manipulated into compliance.

The scapegoat, by contrast, can do nothing right. As the receptacle of blame for the problems of the family, this child is targeted with criticism, ridicule, and rage. No matter how hard the scapegoat tries or how capable s/he is, it is rarely good enough.

Both roles in the narcissistic family are damaging false identities that deny and negate the child’s authentic self and lead to complex trauma that can last a lifetime.

The Golden Child’s Hurt

The narcissist parent’s favored child is above reproach, idolized and shielded from derision, blame, and other abuses. The golden child represents the parent’s hopes and dreams and is expected to reflect back his/her idealized self no matter how authentic it feels to that child. Often the golden child is given special privileges, as well as exemptions from responsibilities the other children are expected to manage. Family members must accept the golden child’s elevated status in the hierarchy of home.

Narcissist parents charge a high price for their favoritism: enmeshment and isolation. The narcissist “owns” her/his golden child and demands compliance and loyalty. If that child attempts to break away from the narcissist’s control and/or form relationships of her/his own, s/he faces a battalion of punishments, from guilt trips to judgment, rejection to abandonment, or worse.

Beyond the narcissist’s grasp, the golden child’s most difficult challenges are establishing a separate identity, healthy independence, and an appropriate sense of self-importance and humility in the scheme of things. Life’s realities are likely to run interference with this child’s confusing mix of arrogance and instilled helplessness. S/he may struggle with the cognitive dissonance of having felt her/his status was unearned or having others view her/him as ordinary when s/he has been told s/he is extraordinary.

The golden child’s ability to assert boundaries with the narcissist parent and form her/his own intimate relationships require a willingness to examine the family dysfunction and break from her/his prescribed role.

The Scapegoat’s Hurt

As the family target, the scapegoat has it hardest, at least on the surface. Narcissist parents project their self-loathing onto the scapegoat and blame her/him for family problems and disappointments. This child is often given unreasonable responsibilities while also experiencing extreme forms of neglect.

The child burdened with this role is typically targeted because s/he is most aware of the parent’s shortcomings and/or confrontational about the family dysfunction. This child may rebel against the family system and/or attempt to defend and protect other family members from abuse. The narcissist parent views the child’s awareness and strength as threats to be shut down with rage, gaslighting, and smear campaigns to extended family and social circles.

Like the golden child’s, the scapegoat’s identity is distorted by the narcissist parent’s false projections. The scapegoat’s challenge is to believe in her/his own perceptions and truths—no small matter for someone who has been systematically undermined. This means dissecting the narcissistic family system, recognizing the family’s cruelties and lies, and nurturing the self who was never properly loved. The scapegoat’s liabilities in the narcissistic family are also some of her/his best assets. As a questioner, fighter, and outlier, she is a survivor with the insight and grit to find a way out.

The Path to Healing

For both the golden child and scapegoat, breaking the narcissistic family cycle is the path to healing. Replicating similar dynamics in their adult relationships is common and difficult to avoid. Often it takes repeating unhealthy patterns to begin to understand them and seek out truly nurturing friends and partners. As parents, adult children of narcissists have the opportunity to achieve healing through giving the kind of unconditional love they did not receive in their family of origin.

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Julie L. Hall is the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free from Hachette Books.

Need support? Julie provides specialized narcissistic abuse recovery coaching to clients around the world. 

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Featured image courtesy of keep_bitcoin_real, Creative Commons.